Relationships tips: Listen actively, be compassionate and take time out to resolve conflicts

It’s natural for you and your partner to have arguments and conflicts. But how to handle them can make or break your relationship. Actively listening to your partner, describing your own feelings rather than accusing them, and talking in the present instead of focusing on the past are some of the ways in which relationships can mature and heal, leading the way for trust and a deeper connection.

Here are some effective strategies to navigate and resolve conflicts:

• Practice active listening

Active listening shows your partner that you value what they have to say. Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family shows that active listening can improve relationship satisfaction by enhancing mutual understanding.

When in an argument, focus fully on your partner’s words without thinking of what you’re going to say. Take a moment to think about what they’ve said and say it back, if necessary, to confirm your understanding. You can say something like, “I hear that you felt dismissed when I didn’t respond to your message. Is that correct?”

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• Focus on "I" statements

This is the one time when you should focus on the “I” rather than the “You”. The Journal of Communication suggests that “I” statements can lower defensiveness and improve conflict resolution, whereas “You” statements can sound accusatory. This will prevent your partner from going into defensive mode and help keep the conversation open.

Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when I’m sharing something important” or “I feel hurt when my efforts aren’t acknowledged, and it makes me feel unappreciated.”

• Set boundaries on heated discussions

If things are getting too heated up, it’s best to take a break. You don’t want to end up saying things you regret, so give yourself and your partners time to cool down and process emotions. The Journal of Family Psychology finds that taking breaks can improve clarity and reduce the risk of harmful arguments.

Pause and revisit the conversation later when you’re both cooled down, but be sure to come back to avoid building up of resentment. Set a specific time to reconvene. Say, “Let’s take a 20-minute break to calm down, then we can come back to this with a clear mind.”

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• Seek common ground

Remind yourself and your partner that you’re a team, with shared goals or values. Research in Negotiation and Conflict Management Research emphasises the importance of finding common ground in conflict resolution.

Identify areas where you both agree, like mutual respect or a desire for happiness, and use it to work together towards a solution. It can sound something like, “We both want a peaceful household. How can we work together to make sure both of us feel heard and respected?”

• Understand each other’s perspective

Empathy reduces defensiveness and can help couples reach compromises effectively, as highlighted in the Emotion Journal. Being compassionate towards each other helps both partners see beyond their viewpoint to understand each other’s feelings and mtivations.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagine how they might be feeling based on their experiences. “I can see how my late working hours might make you feel neglected. I hadn’t realised how strongly it affects you.”

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• Avoid bringing up past issues

Bringing up past arguments only help derail the conversation and prevent any resolution. According to Family Relations Journal, staying focused on present issues promotes healthier conflict resolution and helps move discussions forward.

If the conversation starts veering into past conflicts, gently steer it back by saying, “Let’s stick to what we’re discussing right now”, or “I understand that we’ve had similar issues before, but let’s focus on what we can do about this situation now.”

• Acknowledge your partner’s emotions

When you validate your partner’s feelings, it shows you respect and recognition their emotional experience, even if you don’t fully agree. This strengthens trust and intimacy, according to the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

Acknowledge their feelings by saying, “I understand this is upsetting for you,” or “I see how that could be frustrating”, or “I understand you’re feeling overwhelmed right now, and that’s valid. Let’s figure out how we can address this together.”

• Be willing to compromise

Compromise is not a bad word when it comes to relationships. It shows that you are willing to meet your partner halfway so that conflicts can be resolved without resentment. The Journal of Applied Psychology states that willingness to compromise can increase relationship satisfaction.

Consider the priorities of each person and look for a middle ground that respects both perspectives. Say something like, “How about we agree to set aside one night a week for us to spend time together, so you feel more connected?”

• Seek resolution, not victory

Focusing on winning creates a competitive environment and doesn’t help anyone. Shift your goal from “winning” to finding a solution that satisfies both partners. Say, “I’m not trying to win here; I just want us both to feel understood and find a solution that works for us.”

• Apologise and forgive when necessary

Taking responsibility and apologizing fosters healing and shows you’re willing to take accountability. Acknowledge mistakes, apologize sincerely, and commit to avoiding similar actions in the future, by saying, “I’m sorry for raising my voice. I shouldn’t have let my frustration get the best of me.”

• When conflict persists

If certain issues seem insurmountable or if conflicts become frequent, consider seeking support from a couples’ therapist.

Remember, each conflict is an opportunity for growth if both individuals commit to respectful communication and finding common ground.