'I want to check with my ex first': Relationship expert reveals 3 ways to spot red flags in partners

All relationships offer a chance for people to grow and become more self-aware, the relationship expert said. (Representational image: Unsplash)

A relationship expert has outlined three key phrases that may signal emotional immaturity or unresolved issues in romantic partners, especially when they talk about their exes. Dr Tracy Dalgleish, a clinical psychologist and couples therapist whose work has appeared in The New York Times, Forbes, and Time, shared her insights with CNBC Make It.

Dalgleish said that how someone reflects on a past relationship often reveals how they handle conflict, accountability and emotional healing. A balanced view—such as “We both had good and hard moments”—is a green flag. But consistently negative comments may indicate a tendency to repeat unhealthy patterns.

Here are three phrases she says healthy partners avoid:

1. ‘It was their fault that the relationship ended’

This signals a lack of accountability. Dalgleish said most relationships are shaped by both partners, and blaming one side entirely suggests poor self-reflection.

Similar red-flag phrases include:
“They always wanted things their way.”
“We broke up because she couldn’t stop being so demanding.”

2. ‘I want to check with my ex first and see what they think’

Frequent mentions of an ex or daily communication may point to unresolved feelings. While some friendships with exes can be healthy, Dalgleish said clear boundaries are essential when building a new relationship.

Similar phrases include:
“I’m not sure our relationship can work if you have a problem with my ex and I talking every day.”
“My ex and I hang out on the weekends. Do you want to join?”

3. ‘The past is the past. It doesn’t matter’

Avoiding discussion about past relationships may indicate shame or fear of vulnerability. Dalgleish said being open about difficult experiences is key to building intimacy.

Similar phrases include:
“It’s over, I don’t want to talk about this.”
“Why dig up old wounds?”

"If your partner says any of these phrases, don’t immediately run in the opposite direction," Dalgleish told CNBC Make It. "Being in a healthy relationship isn’t about avoiding red flags altogether. It’s about knowing what they mean, asking questions, and making choices that will bring you closer to building something safe and secure."