Can kindness at work hold you back? Expert reveals the right way to call out colleagues without being mean

The most common misstep, she argued, is 'ruinous empathy' — placing kindness above honesty to the point where issues go unaddressed and worsen over time.

Leaders who avoid telling colleagues difficult truths for fear of hurting their feelings may be doing them greater harm in the long run, leadership consultant and author Kim Scott has warned. Speaking in a TED Talk, Scott — best known for her bestselling book Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity — reflected on one of the most painful missteps of her career, which she described as a case of “ruinous empathy.”

She used the term to describe the tendency to care so much about protecting someone’s feelings that essential feedback is withheld, ultimately preventing them from succeeding.

Scott recalled hiring a colleague she referred to as “Alex,” who was popular in the office for his humour but whose work was repeatedly marred by errors. Hoping to encourage rather than criticise, she offered reassurances instead of addressing the problems directly.

“Ten months later, I had to let him go,” she said. “He was stunned and told me, ‘Why didn’t you tell me? I thought you all cared about me.’” That moment, she admitted, made her realise that failing to give honest feedback can be just as damaging as delivering it in an overly harsh manner.

Scott’s philosophy is anchored in a two-by-two framework she calls “radical candor,” which weighs two factors: showing personal care and challenging directly.

When challenge outweighs care, it tips into what she terms “obnoxious aggression” — blunt but accurate criticism delivered without empathy. When neither care nor candour is present, the result is “manipulative insincerity,” often taking the form of gossip or passive-aggressive remarks.

The most common misstep, she argued, is “ruinous empathy” — placing kindness above honesty to the point where issues go unaddressed and worsen over time.

Quoting her TED transcript, she said: “When jerks win, culture loses. If you see your team slipping into ruinous empathy, you can move toward radical candor. It won’t solve all problems, but it allows people to fix mistakes.”

Scott stressed that the principle applies far beyond office environments. She argued that entire communities and nations can fall into the same trap, avoiding open and honest engagement with those who hold opposing views.

She shared an example of being invited to speak at a company whose policies she strongly disagreed with and initially considering turning it down. Instead, she chose to attend, believing that “unchallenged beliefs become prejudices.”

By listening without the immediate aim of persuasion, she discovered areas of unexpected agreement. “One person said to me, ‘You don’t seem like an evil person,’” Scott recalled — a thought she had privately had about them moments earlier.

Scott offered practical guidance for leaders and team members looking to apply her approach:

• Seek feedback from others before offering your own.
• Give praise with substance, not as a disguised criticism.
• Be explicit when work falls short so colleagues have the opportunity to improve.
• Pay attention to reactions — if someone is upset, lean into empathy; if they appear dismissive, lean further into challenge.
• When angry, “get curious, not furious.”