Healing Space | Loneliness of working away from home

It’s important to first set your own routine and build a sense of community that feels supportive for you. (Illustration by Suneesh K.)

Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.

Work is clustered by city and sector, and often, people leave home for a good job. It’s exciting when it’s your first job, and you are upgrading your lifestyle, from a small town to a big city with better pay and perks. However, it can quickly get lonely and fatiguing, especially when you realise the ‘good job’ is exploiting you in terms of amount of work and hours, and the pay barely covers living costs. This is harder if you have had to leave people behind. Perhaps a partner who already has a job they can’t leave because you have financial commitments or educational requirements for the children; or you may be concerned about parents, who are ageing and settled but who need medical care frequently. The pandemic and related lockdowns also have left many quite afraid of this, because you have realised it’s not going to be easy to reach home in an emergency, so you may have to rely on those around, relatives, neighbours, kind strangers, nearby hospitals and other forms of hired caretakers. This can leave you feeling quite vulnerable.

There are two levels of care involved here, first for the person/s left behind and the second for yourself.

It’s easy to fall into self-punishment mode and believe that you have to put in the maximum hours since it already feels like a sacrifice. So, you eat poorly, or what is available, skimp on privacy and space, leisure, and down time. You may take on moonlighting work and put in the time at home, late into the night. You are living out of guilt. This can get frustrating quickly because you have begun to allow the pressure of being dutiful, responsible to build.

Also read: Healing Space | Long working hours are emotionally unhygienic

It’s important to first set your own routine and build a sense of community that feels supportive for you. Nutritious meals and sleep, a work start time and end time, a wake up schedule that is restful and energizing, whether that is some exercise or meditation and reflection, a walk, a sport, is where to begin.

Many don’t wear pressed and washed clothes because “there is no one to show myself to”. Dressing well, by which I mean neatly, with freshly laundered clothes, and as though you were in the company of family and friends, and not expensively, is essential to self-image and well-being.

The time of day when you have a bath can greatly mark the before and after of how active and engaged you feel. This is because we are endotherms, and baths, personal hygiene in general, increase norepinephrine and serotonin and warm us up, calming the nervous system. It’s also a great stress relief. Skipping that bath and grooming routine can mess with your mood cycles.

It's also perfectly fine to spend time reading, building a community of friends and heading out for movies, meals and parties if you’re so inclined. However, these groups can bring mixed results and loneliness that uses numbing behaviours (you are taking on activities that make you forget that you are alone) can cause a sinking feeling later, like the 3 pm sugar crash after bingeing at lunch. They can also be heavy on the pocket after a while.

It’s also not the best sign if you’re taking on activities that you would feel uncomfortable doing on your own or around those closest to you. If you’re not risk prone, don’t go bungee jumping on weekends just because the group is going. Apply to alcohol or drugs or travel or parties as suitable.

It is better to find a group or a few friends here and there with whom you share specific activities. A yoga buddy, a runner, a movie buddy, a reading partner you can exchange notes on favourite books with, someone who misses the kind of food you also miss from home, and cultivate interests around those. They are likely to last longer, and fill some emotional gaps for you. Look for meaningful connections, even in transitory relationships. Small, beautiful friendships can arise in the strangest of places, such as balcony herb gardening.

Small, beautiful friendships can arise in the strangest of places. (Illustration by Suneesh K.)

Beyond this, the biggest gift you can give yourself is to also accept periods of loneliness. All loneliness doesn’t need to be cured. We need to be able to sit with ourselves quietly as well, and not constantly need company. If you are having a problem with that, and are constantly filling the gap with meaningless activity, it’s a good idea to seek counselling help or a stillness programme like meditation in some form, whether that’s art or pottery or yoga.

When it comes to caring for the people left back home, technology is your best friend especially if you cannot take frequent trips back. Setting up a fixed time for a daily or weekly call allows you to block it off and move your appointments around it. It also gives you something to look forward to. You can send meals these days via food apps, or if you have elderly people who need monitoring, consider CCTV and smart video systems such as nanny cams, emergency bracelets, that help give you updates and monitor the situation even if you have hired help.

Arranging to have family or a friend drop in periodically is also a good idea. While most people will do it out of goodwill, if you could arrange a gift, such as a grocery gift card, or a payment, it won’t depend on whim, won’t feel like a burden to them, and can be better relied on. Above all, allow those left behind to enjoy their lives, which is best achieved when they are happy where they are, and they are able to see that you are happy where you are.

Setting up systems for both those you have left behind when you relocated and yourself, especially in terms of community building will help ease a lot of pain, guilt and the loneliness of separation.