Healing Space | How to get out of emotional debt

If we invested our money the way we invest our emotions, we would go bankrupt pretty quickly. (Illustration by Suneesh K)

Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.

If your partner or child or parent, the people closest to you, those whom you would do anything for, came to you and asked for a sum of money that is not just lying around as disposable income for most ordinary people—let’s say Rs 2 crore—because they really want to make themselves feel better, go on a vacation, join a course, buy the latest model of a vehicle, what would you do? Most of us would just say ‘sorry I don’t have that kind of money to spare’. You might feel bad about it even, but unless it’s something life-changing like a surgery, marriage expenses, or buying a house, it’s unlikely you’d put yourself into debt for it. Especially when there are other options.

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However, when people lean on you emotionally, and this doesn’t even have to be a partner or parent or child, a friend, a co-worker, a neighbour, an aunt, you may have a tendency to give what you don’t have to spare. You don’t think about it as much as you would cash. And the reason for that is because it is not tangible. You’re not looking at your emotional bank balance as a series of transactions, input, output and what you have or what you can invest or purchasing power. You’re not considering disposable income and you are not stretching out your life according to the length of your blanket, so to speak.

We are often lavish with emotional and cognitive expenditure. We give freely of our attention, energy and feelings. It’s what we call emotional investment. Except if we invested our money the way we invest our emotions, we would go bankrupt pretty quickly.

For one, it’s important to know what you’re investing in. Is the company, or person, or situation, or event, worth investing in? Do they value your energy, resources and attention or is it going into an abyss from where there is no return?

While we do not use exactly transactional terms for emotional engagement, which follow different timelines, still, some of the rules you can use remain the same. You may invest for the long term and be prepared to weather some ups and downs or long periods of no return, where your investment is not appreciated as being really of great value. Parents often invest in children in this way—many years of thankless and unseen work going into the details. Days of labouring away to ensure a child has what they need, without appreciation. However, they are secure about why they are making the emotional investment and don’t need the immediate response to keep going. They know it will appreciate in its own time and the rewards are not always direct. Parental relationships, partners, siblings, children, very close friends may fall into this category.

You make some short-term investments for quick returns too. These may be in terms of friends or acquaintances you hang out with for different purposes. One could be a set of co-workers you have lunch with every day, a peer group to discuss your work with, sports buddies to run, play a sport, or watch a sport with, movie buddies, and so on. These don’t necessarily have to be your best buds, though you may share a specific bond with them. You do want to be able to access the emotional support when you need it however, which means you want quick, dynamic and liquid emotional returns. Quick bursts of feedback are important, such as ‘great game’, ‘good job’, ‘here’s an idea’… If you’re spending all your time with people who are emotionally unavailable to you in this dynamic, or which is toxic and negative, it’s not really serving your investment purpose. You also don’t need to invest all your emotion into this one kitty. Variegating it is the best way to expand this pool that contains a smattering of all your emotional needs. The more diversified this pool is, the more secure and patient you can be with your long-term investments. You won’t look to it for immediate and constant reassurance because you get that here. So don’t underestimate the value of the short-term and the liquid either.

Do you have an income? Which means if you’re constantly only giving emotional support, you are going to quickly run out of resources, not just for others but for yourself. Which means you also have to lend only after paying your own expenses. Would you lend your savings out without first paying your own rent, light, water and grocery bills? That would be pretty dumb, wouldn’t it? And yet, many people lend emotional support to others without first checking if they have it for themselves. Do you receive love, compassion, support, attention, affection, patience, kindness, interest and praise? If not, what exactly are you giving and where are you giving it from?

Emotional liquidity is pretty simple and common-sensical, if you think about it in monetary terms. Is your portfolio balanced or not?

5 ways to balance your emotional portfolio

Ask yourself:

1. What is my source of emotional income?

2. Am I covering my own basic emotional needs first?

3. Am I lending out what I don’t have?

4. Do I have savings? Credit? Long-term investments? Short-term liquidity? A variegated asset portfolio?

5. What is my emotional return-on-investment? If there isn’t one, why am I here?