Healing Space | Deal or no deal? What backing out means

Evaluate which terms of the letter and spirit of the deal are being honoured and which are not. Evaluate also whether breaking or sticking with the commitment would leave you with a better sense of self-worth in terms that matter to you. (illustration by Suneesh K.)

Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.

You don’t have to be Elon Musk to change your mind about a commitment, though it would help not to have $44 billion on the line. Still, our lesser commitments can feel as big to us personally. You’ve promised to join a company and verbally accepted the offer but a better one comes along. You’ve joined a gym, bought all the new gear you need, but now realise it’s not motivating you. Worse, you have been dating for a few years now but the relationship is not working out for you. Does making a commitment mean you have to stick with something whether or not you enjoy the process any longer? How do we distinguish between when we are just not sincere enough and when we genuinely need an exit?

First, all commitment is not a blanket virtue. Commitment has to provide some benefit to both parties involved or it is a meaningless contract. There was an era when people remained in abusive marriages or work situations because they perceived themselves to be honouring a contract. However, it’s important to analyse what changed and where. Recognize that the contract has already been breached when either party has been unclear about the receivables. For instance, you entered into a marriage or a relationship under the impression it would be caring and nurturing but it turns out to be abusive and toxic. Those terms have already violated the principle of the original contract you entered into. Deceit, manipulation, gaslighting or withholding of vital information, as Musk alleges Twitter has done, become grounds to nullify the word given.

Facts of the issue apart, we tend to perceive contracts as a matter of honour. We make pledges in good faith and there is considerable trust involved. If you have promised to take your daughter shopping this weekend, there is a faith involved that you will prioritise the commitment over others that may arise. Breaking this trust makes you less reliable, less worthy of trust. A lot of how we function uses this good faith. However, what is the point at which you begin to violate the trust even while you honour the contract? Let’s say you committed to join a company but got a better offer. You’ve given your word so you accept the original offer except now your heart is not in the role because you realise you could have gotten a 25 percent salary jump and perks with the other company. Your motivation dips and you’re underperforming to the expectations of the role. The contract is dishonoured even though you are technically keeping it.

This is because commitments, like laws, have a letter and a spirit. You may technically stay in a relationship but if you’re not attentive to your partner’s needs, you have lost the spirit of the commitment. The spirit of any contract can rarely be codified, we rely on ethics, values and morals to navigate this aspect. What it eventually boils down to is establishing trust between parties. We can make a commitment to be faithful, but we also have to trust that the partner will be without checking up on them constantly. The lived aspect has to follow the stated aspect and the faith has to be both given and held well.

When do commitments like Elon Musk and Twitter break down? When the trust deficit is too big to be bridged by the letter of it. If you haven’t built the trust first, the letter won’t matter. You may keep your word to an organization of great repute, good standing, even if their offer is less attractive than the startup, even if it is a unicorn. You may be going through a difficult patch in your relationship, but you make the choice to stay because you trust each other to work out the hard parts.

When should you leave? That evaluation is less to do with the terms of the deal, and more to do with your internal ability to both, honour and be honoured by, the commitment. You leave when it hurts your dignity, your sense of self worth, to stay.