Funnycontrol presents 'Bai weekly': Newsy takeaways from the fortnight that was

Neha Kakkar has just re-released a song 'Maine Payal kyu Khankai', an existential question Falguni Pathak (above) is also asking herself after seeing the re-mix.

It’s been an interesting week, with funny pretty much being the only thing in my control. As therapists always say “focus on the things that you can control”, so I controlled the urge to throw my Bloomberg Terminal at the British finance minister. (He is called “Chancellor of the Ex-chequer”, but critics felt he was trying to cancel his Ex and her checker.)

The new government of Lizz Truss boosted interest rates, cut taxes and also promised energy subsidies. Financial analysts took this to be Ctrl-Alt-Delete of the markets and started panicking appropriately at the thought of ending up with a Greek banker’s salary instead of vacationing in Greece.

The UK government rightfully chose more panic as the response to this panic and immediately proposed a resumption of Quantitative easing bang in the middle of their quantitative tightening program. This is a bit like eating three giant Chole Bhature in panic after seeing your cholesterol report.

One also heard responses from the Bank of Japan and the “People’s” Bank of China. No, the latter is not a punchline. But the bank made it clear they would pound anyone who tried to take any speculative bets on the Yuan either way.

The Japanese said: “Sometimes you don’t even have to Pearl Harbour the West. They manage it on their own. But this self-created financial tsumani by the UK will land on our shores harder than the typhoon Nanmadol landed on our AI toilets.”

Closer to home, the Congress party was handling internal rebellions to “todo” its attempts at Bharat Jodo. Which is like selling a tube of Fevicol to the chairman of Pidilite.

We also saw arrests of many members of the PFI or “Popular Front of India”, which is also not a punchline but inaccurate as well. Everyone knows the most Popular Front of India is Mumbai’s Marine Drive. It is the only Gateway of India that does not feel like India for a change.

Meanwhile in the tech Glub Glub... I mean hub of India, Bengaluru, the helicopter service into the city from the airport has finally started. It promises to take you from the airport to areas like Koramangala in 12 minutes which is usually how long it takes for your cab driver to finally cancel on you or for you to contemplate cancelling him in the afterlife. On the bright side, at least in a helicopter ride, the “driver” cannot threaten to end the ride mid-way if you demand he turn on the air conditioner.

Speaking of which, there was a rumour that many flights over Beijing airspace had suddenly been cancelled because Xi had fallen. No not the entertainment stock, the Chinese premier which is also not the same as Zee Premiere.

There was a rumour of a coup and his house arrest before his great confirmation as leader for the third time on October 16. The Chinese Army later clarified, “Someone in the barracks was listening to the 'Coup Coup' song from Khalnayak, which may have created the confusion. We considered this psychological warfare by India and demand that both Madhuri Dixit and the singer Ila Arun be put in house arrest.”

On that note, Neha Kakkar has just re-released a song “Maine Payal kyu Khankai”, an existential question Falguni Pathak is also asking herself after seeing the re-mix.

Finally, to leave earth (what with all the expensive inflation), NASA launched an artificial spacecraft at an asteroid that was not incoming to test if it would be able to deflect an incoming one in the future. No one considered the comedic tragedy of accidentally knocking the asteroid into the earth’s path in the process.

Central bankers around the world seem to have a similar attitude towards fighting inflation, the asteroid that never was but may now become a comet. In case we survive both asteroids and Central bankers, stay tuned for the next edition of “Bai weekly”, unless bai is on weekly off