Funnycontrol | FTX updates: Crypto trumps comedy

If FTX continues this hilarity in real life, along with crypto, the comedy industry may also collapse. (Image: Luis Villasmil via Unsplash)

One of the hardest things about writing comedy is when reality seems to keep exceeding comedy itself. The creators of the dark comedy show South Park faced this problem in their depiction of Donald Trump as US President. Comedy often relies on exaggeration and hyperbole to get the point across. But when tweets from the most important man in the world are more hilarious than the caricature, then the comedy writer's job is in greater danger than that of a software developer at Twitter. Luckily with the current American president, there is a good chance he even forgets he has a Twitter account.

Last week I wrote about Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF) and FTX. But by the time I submitted the article and it got published, overnight FTX managed to get itself hacked mysteriously with hundreds of millions of dollars stolen. Even Bobby Deol’s ridiculous attempt at hacking a bank account before online banking was invented in 2001 seemed more plausible. When a Bollywood script seems more believable than your claims, you know we are hitting Enron-level disbelief.

On that bankrupt note of nostalgia, the newly appointed CEO was in fact one who oversaw Enron’s bankruptcy! In his affidavit submitted towards SBF’s chapter 11 bankruptcy, his first words were: "Never in my career have I seen such a complete failure of corporate controls and such a complete absence of trustworthy financial information as occurred here." An Indian father could not have admonished his own “nalaayak aulaad” with less derision and hatred.

He then communicates distrust of any furnished financials with “because this balance sheet was produced while the debtors were controlled by Mr Bankman-Fried, I do not have confidence in it". He could have said: “I have seen less lies on people’s LinkedIn profiles and their Tinder bios”.  His affidavit reads less like a legal document and more like an Indian customer ranting on Twitter.

Sample this: “The FTX Group did not maintain centralized control of its cash" - they didn't even keep a running list of all their bank accounts! Employees were paid through online chat, and managers "approved disbursements by responding with personalized emojis".

As I struggle to joke about this, I empathize with the writers of South Park and quote the great Modji “Ab hum kare toh kare kya...bole toh bole kya”

And in true electoral bond style when asked about the auditors, he said "Uhm, I've heard of the FTX US auditors. The FTX Int'l auditors I uh, let's just say they're best known for having an office in the metaverse.”

I suppose then their law firm is Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law with an office in Cartoon Network.

To make my comedy writing career even more difficult, SBF started randomly tweeting individual letters as tweets only to spell out “What happened” in a re-run of ABCDEFGHI from Hum Saath Saath Hain. It then emerged he was trying to escape to Dubai which has no extradition treaty with the US. This left police fuming “SBF ko pakadna muskhil hi nahin undemocratic hai because SBF has contributed to the Democrats campaign”.

In a real-life comedy of such epic proportions, it’s now alleged that the current Democrat administration routed funds to Ukraine to “support the war”. And Ukraine in turn supported themselves by investing in FTX tokens, FTX routing the money back to the Democrats as campaign donations. This real-life exchange of money is so hilarious it’s destroyed all my jokes on Indian electoral bonds. But the real joke is being cracked by mainstream media who have barely given this story even a passing mention.

Let me sign off by saying if FTX continues this hilarity in real life, along with crypto, the comedy industry may also collapse.

PS: The author is an ex-investment banker turned corporate comedian but worries FTX might reverse that sequence.