Being 'worthy' of a wife keeps young men in urban India under pressure: Study

Young men in urban India today feel compelled to sacrifice their own passions as they are expected to take up familial responsibilities, according to a recent study.

The focus group-based study, commissioned by Rohini Nilekani Philanthropies, explored the anxieties and challenges young men and boys of the country face vis-à-vis their role in relationships.

For men, responsibilities put on their shoulders from a young age had a similar effect in their lives to that of restrictions placed on women by society, the study shows. The primary expectation of boys as soon as they complete their education becomes following in their father’s footsteps and becoming the provider.

The burden is even more for boys from the lower economic strata, the study shows, as they are expected to take on the responsibility of settling their younger siblings as well.

“Many boys stated that the freedom they enjoyed at a younger age was gradually reined in for family roles. Tacit norms and predefined gender roles together contribute to the expectations placed on men,” said the summary report of the study published by India Development Review.

The burden of responsibility on them meant that most boys feel obligated to pursue education only in time-tested domains in order to achieve a stable and well-paying job. Most families do not see a future in their sons following their passion, let’s say arts or bodybuilding, and hence they are not allowed to take up such pursuits.

Restrictions over emotions

Boys are also constrained in the range of emotions they are allowed to express openly. While displays of strength are applauded, feelings of fear, sadness, and affection end up getting expressed as anger, contempt or stoicism. Further, the fear of being seen as weak forces them to hide their tears from others.

According to the study, these bottled-up emotions often find a release in loud, aggressive and violent behaviour.

Expectation to marry and settle down

While the participants in the study cited settling down after marriage as their ultimate goal, achieving material success and maintaining a respectable image in society were referred to as preconditions for the same.

Moreover, societal expectation to earn more than their would-be female partners meant that young men felt even more pressured to do better in their careers. The long list of requirements that young men were expected to meet before marriage, such as a well-paying and respectable job, staying in a good locality and owning a car, among others, made many feel overwhelmed, said the report.

Higher expectation of success than previous generations

While most of these societal and familial pressures existed for men in previous generations as well, boys today have a longer path to tread before being considered successful. As competition in the job market has increased, they have to study more and earn more to stand out.

“No longer is a hardworking, dutiful man enough. To earn the respect of the family (and partner), the man must be ‘a winner at what he does’. The ideal is social status—highly coveted and admired by others. Mukesh Ambani came up often as a role model—an individual who is not only successful but also has status, while being a true ‘family man’,” said the report.

The higher expectations kept on them also lead to intense scrutiny for boys. They are policed by their elders on their outward appearances such as their hairstyle, their friends, and are expected to listen to whatever their elders say even if they are young adults themselves.

Parents and teachers look at boys with suspicion, especially in regard to their friends, as they are told to not get caught in ‘bad company’.

This scrutiny is often followed by punishments, as all the boys who were part of this study reported being slapped, hit or beaten by their parents and teachers. “So deep is the social conditioning that many believe they deserve physical punishment. They justify this by highlighting their own ‘inadequacies’,” said the report.

‘Gang of boys’ offers protection from others, but also abuse

Being part of a gang of boys, a tight-knit group of friends, offers them a place to be themselves. The members of the group provide solidarity and protection from outside harm.

However, the pursuit of proving their own masculinity means that teasing, roughhousing and abuse are an expected facet of such groups. Body-shaming is a common way such abuse manifests.

At its worst, these groups end up becoming the ‘bad company’ that their elders warned them against as they fall in with the transgressions of the group.