How fluid is your ego state as an SME boss?

Human interaction is like peeling an onion and as we explore, we will understand the number of layers involved.

In our column two weeks ago, we wrote about the importance of being aware of the state of mind while interacting with colleagues and employees. Just as in a manufacturing process, there is always an input, which could be the external environment, the task at hand or the maturity level of the stakeholders involved. This input is processed and interpretations are drawn before the output.

As leaders, SME owners take on many difficult conversations. Dealing with a sticky issue, an uncomfortable issue, a sensitive topic, or a negative experience where the goal is to develop understanding and trust and move forward together. The idea is not to chalk up a personal win. Examples in the work setting may include handling mediocre performance, violation of code of ethics, giving unwelcome news, negotiating a tough deal and so on.

Conversations become less difficult when we understand ourselves and where we come from. They become smooth when we also understand where the other person’s thinking is coming from. Here is what one can do as accepted wisdom on: One, use communication techniques that foster a dialogue with the aim to have a mutually satisfying resolution. Second, keep communication lines open to avoid unresolved tensions, which would involve listening deeply to each other.

In our day-to-day life, our minds often shift positions and that brings out the fluidity of the three ego states of Parent, Adult and Child. For example, being late for a meeting because of heavy traffic or aspects beyond our control creates panic, and in our own panic-stricken state, we go back to where we were in our childhood. We could take the role of a critic and lambast the government for not ensuring smooth traffic. We wear the judgemental hat in that case, and this would bring us to the “Critical Parent” state. We could also take a more benevolent view of the authorities and that would be more of a “Nurturing parent” ego state.

To understand the ego states in a little more detail, here are some nuances.

Parent ego state behaviour: There are two types of manifestation of this state – one, it can be controlling. Some of the ways this comes across include controlling and criticising, putting down others. It could also be directing, ordering with an attitude of ‘I know what’s right.’ The second is nurturing and protecting where there is loving, caring, understanding, listening, guiding and mentoring.

Adult ego state behaviour: This state is concerned primarily with being rational and logical. Being seen as deliberate and objective is an important aspect. It would involve the following:

-  Collecting, analysing, and evaluating information

-  Making a balanced judgment about issues

-  Reflective in trying to understand why we respond or behave in a particular way and make a conscious choice

Child ego state behaviour: Here too there are two types of manifestation. It can be natural or adapted. The natural child expresses needs and wants in an open, honest way. It could also be with feelings – loving, uninhibited and fun, and carefree. The adapted child is that part of the child that exhibits a modification of the natural child’s inclinations. These adaptations occur in response to traumatic experiences, training and demands from significant authority figures.

This is just a start to fathom the undercurrents involved in difficult conversations. The tone of it is additionally dependent on two important factors: Competence, which involves skills, abilities, and knowledge; Commitment, which depends on the level of motivation and confidence. When two factors are involved, there are always four different possibilities:

-  Low Competence and High Commitment lead to “Enthusiastic Beginner”. The conversations are one-sided in this case.

-  Moderate to Low Competence and Low Commitment result in a “Disillusioned Learner”. Conversations are not strictly one-way, but the bosses hold all the cards

-  Moderate to High Competence and Low Commitment will bring  “Reluctant Contributor”. The boss tries to listen and attempts to incorporate some ideas and opinions, but still holds on to critical decisions.

-   High Competence and High Commitment will give that elusive “Peak Performer”. The boss will discuss problems but give the reins to someone else more suited.

Human interaction is like peeling an onion and as we explore, we will understand the number of layers involved. A childlike curious and enquiring mind is the start. Then there can be adult-to-adult discussions. If you want to help talented people to reach peak performance, you will often have to put on the Parent hat as well.