Teach your child to assert themselves: Help them to say no and build self-esteem to set healthy boundaries

Your child faces challenges every day. Whether it is standing up against a bully or peer pressure to do something they’re not comfortable with, teaching your child how to say no and to assert their own voice without being aggressive is an important life skill you will teach them.

Assertiveness isn’t about being bossy or aggressive; it’s about knowing how to communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a way that’s clear, respectful, and confident. Teaching your kids to assert themselves doesn’t just prepare them for big, life-altering moments — it also equips them to handle everyday challenges, like negotiating a group project or saying no to something they’re not comfortable with.

Let’s look at some practical ways on how to get your child to asset themselves as they grow.

• Maintain open communication

Ensure your child feels safe in sharing their thoughts and feelings. Actively listen without interrupting, validate their feelings, and do not dismiss them. Show them that their voice is important.

For example, if your child comes and shares a concern about school, take time to hear them out and discuss their feelings and not dismiss them. The American Psychological Association highlights that positive parent-child communication breeds trust with children and helps them to feel valued, hence setting them up for assertiveness.

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• Teach them to say no

An essential skill that a child needs to acquire is learning to say no. This is part of becoming assertive. Teach your child it is acceptable to set limits and decline requests that they don't feel comfortable with. Through role-playing, such as refusing peer pressure, they build up their confidence in real life.

For instance, teach them how to use phrases such as, "I don't feel comfortable with that," or "I need to think about it." Studies at the National Institute on Drug Abuse emphasise that children should be instructed on how to safely say no, especially during situations involving peer influence.

• Demonstrate assertiveness

Children often learn by observing their parents; hence, practice assertive behaviour by making your voice clear and respectful, stating your needs, and in case of conflict, remaining calm. Child Development Journal points out that children model after their parents; therefore, it becomes important for you to model the kind of assertiveness you want them to develop.

For instance, if you are against a particular course of action or policy, clearly state your point without aggression.

• Build their self-esteem

A strong sense of self-worth is vital for assertiveness. Praise your child’s efforts rather than just their outcomes, and encourage them to try new things without fear of failure. For instance, celebrating their progress in learning a new skill, even if it’s challenging, helps build their confidence.

The American Academy of Pediatrics explains that children with healthy self-esteem are more likely to value their opinions and assert themselves in social situations. Avoid comparing your child to others, as this can undermine their confidence and make them hesitant to speak up.

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• Teach problem-solving skills

Encourage your child to think critically and tackle challenges independently. When they face age-appropriate problems, such as resolving a conflict with a friend, guide them through identifying options and consequences rather than solving the problem for them.

Problem-solving builds their sense of capability and confidence. According to the Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, children with strong problem-solving skills are better equipped to assert themselves and address conflicts constructively.

• Practice empathy and respect

Assertiveness doesn’t mean disregarding others’ feelings. Teach your child to understand and respect different perspectives while expressing their own needs. Using “I” statements, like “I feel upset when…” instead of placing blame, fosters empathy and assertiveness simultaneously.

As highlighted by the Harvard Business Review, teaching empathy alongside assertiveness helps children navigate relationships more effectively and build mutual respect.

• Expose them to diverse situations

Confidence often comes from experience, so encourage your child to interact with different people and environments. Group activities like sports, drama clubs, or family discussions offer opportunities to practice expressing themselves.

Research from the Society for Research in Child Development shows that exposure to new situations builds social confidence and helps children assert themselves in various contexts.

• Help them handle failure

Failure is a part of life, and teaching children to embrace it as a learning opportunity is essential. Share stories of your own failures and what you learned from them to show that setbacks are temporary and can lead to growth.

Encouraging resilience empowers children to bounce back and stand up for themselves even when things don’t go their way. The Journal of Resilience Psychology emphasises that viewing failure positively can significantly boost assertiveness and self-confidence.

• Encourage independence

Allowing children to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their actions fosters a sense of ownership and self-assurance. Offer age-appropriate choices, like deciding what to wear or how to spend their allowance, to help them feel empowered.

According to Child Development Perspectives, independence is closely linked to assertiveness. By encouraging your child to handle minor tasks without intervention, you’re giving them the tools to navigate life with confidence.

By creating a supportive environment and providing opportunities for growth, you equip your children with the skills they need to stand up for themselves and thrive in adulthood.