AI is rewriting the rules of online dating — and not everyone’s happy about it

AI is rewriting the rules of online dating

When Richard Wilson matched with a woman on a dating app, he thought he had found something rare. Their text exchanges were thoughtful and deep — full of long, winding replies that responded to his points with care and detail. After weeks of talking, he was excited to meet her in person.

But on their first date, the spark disappeared. The engaging texter he had come to know felt distant and bland. She casually mentioned using ChatGPT “all the time” at work. Wilson’s curiosity turned to suspicion: Had he been flirting with an AI proxy the whole time?

Dating, disrupted

As artificial intelligence becomes more deeply embedded into online dating platforms, many users are finding the experience more confusing — and at times, more deceptive. Apps like Hinge and Tinder are rolling out tools that coach users on how to sound more appealing or polite. Others, like Rizz and Wing AI, act as full-blown messaging assistants, suggesting clever opening lines or rewriting awkward messages.

Dating app companies claim AI can help users overcome social anxiety or refine their tone. Match Group, which owns Tinder, Hinge, and other platforms, says it’s using AI to prioritize authenticity, safety, and better matches. But many users and experts say the technology is beginning to distort the already difficult process of online dating, the Washington Post reported.

“Normally, you can pick up on how someone thinks or communicates by how they message,” said Erika Ettin, a dating coach. “But if a bot is messaging for them, you lose the ability to spot red flags or get a real sense of the person.”

Who’s doing the talking?

AI tools are quietly changing the way people present themselves. Hinge, for instance, now suggests profile edits and photo selections based on what it believes will boost a user’s chances. Tinder monitors conversations in real time, prompting users to pause and rethink messages that might be inappropriate. About 20% of users who receive the “Are you sure?” prompt choose not to send their original message, according to Match Group’s head of trust and safety, Yoel Roth.

While some welcome the safety features, others worry the technology masks important personality traits and intentions. “People are using AI to filter themselves,” said Amanda Gesselman of the Kinsey Institute, who has studied AI use in dating. “But when does filtering become faking?”

Even professionals in the dating app space acknowledge the murky ethics. Giada Pistilli, principal ethicist at AI company Hugging Face, said that using AI to complete work tasks is one thing — using it to express love or form emotional bonds is another. “We instinctively know that a love letter loses something if it wasn’t written from the heart,” she said.

Real people, AI polish

Some say AI is helping users who struggle with the unspoken rules of online dating. Roman Khaves, co-founder of Rizz, argues that his app gives awkward or insecure men the chance to be seen for who they are. “There’s a lot of great guys out there who just aren’t great texters,” he said. “Rizz gives them a voice.”

But dating coach Eve Tilley-Coulson, who manages dating profiles for clients and plays the Hinge algorithm to their advantage, believes the AI push could make things worse. “At best, it homogenizes everyone’s responses,” she said. “At worst, it manipulates users and keeps them hooked on the apps.”

Tilley-Coulson said some of her clients are already uncomfortable with the amount of personal data being fed to AI systems. When apps prompt users to provide more detailed profile responses, she said, “they worry the app’s just harvesting more data.”

Match Group insists that the AI features are designed to help people connect and get offline faster — not keep them endlessly swiping. But as generative AI becomes more sophisticated, the line between helpful enhancement and outright deception is blurring fast.

The mismatch

For Wilson, the experience left him disillusioned. Even after giving his date a second chance, he found her uninspiring and distant. The connection he had felt over text never materialized in real life.

Though he never confirmed whether AI had written her messages, the disappointment lingered. “It’s almost like we never even spoke,” he said. “I spent weeks getting to know someone — but I’m not sure I ever really met her.”

As artificial intelligence reshapes the dating landscape, many singles are left wondering: Are we falling in love with each other — or with algorithms?