My Family and Other Globalizers | How not to make young children self-sufficient

Reliable daycare is another reason that children in Europe are less spoilt than in many other parts of the world. (Representational image: Tanaphong Toochinda via Unsplash)

Note to readers: My Family and Other Globalizers is a weekly parenting column on bringing up global citizens.

In my pre-motherhood days, I have to confess to ambiguous feelings about little children in general. I found puppies sweeter and adults more companiable. Babies drooled and toddlers ran amok far too much for my liking. Indian children seemed to be the worst offenders: shrieking on planes, demanding chocolate, and refusing to stay in their seats in restaurants.

In contrast, children in Europe came across as better mannered. My younger son, Nico was born in Brussels, the Belgian capital. In this city, I regularly encountered vomit stain-free mothers with coiffured hair, dining out in cafes with three children, all under the age of five, without anyone in the group developing hypertension over the course of the meal. Ten-month-old babies would gummily self-feed healthy finger foods like avocado chunks. Older toddlers might have the occasional tantrum, but these were usually mild and met with some studied ignoring by the adults, until they faded into contented gurgles.

My children, on the other hand, had tantrums reminiscent of a goat in imminent danger of being slaughtered. And all our mealtimes ended with me covered in more goo, than had actually been ingested by the boys. The boys might have been half Indian genetically, but they were fully Indian when it came to behaviour.

I wondered: did brats not exist in Europe?

Some of the divergences were obviously rooted in differential attitudes, and circumstances related to raising children. In India, for example, sugar was not equated with Satan, as it had come to be in the West. Many parents still fed their kids makhan, roti, cheeni, while slurping back chai sweetened with tablespoons of sugar themselves.

Children in India also routinely slept with parents, and many were spoon-fed for much later than their toddling counterparts in Europe. While a few of these practices, notably the sugar, were not the best long-term choices to be making, others did the kids little harm and probably brought them greater happiness.

The fact was, for most (middle-class) Indian families, nannies and grandparents were a taken-for-granted part of the childcarescape, which afforded parents, mothers in particular, the luxury of greater indulgence towards their little ones. The availability of more adult hands to help out with kids meant that there was less urgency in pushing children to be independent. Babies often slept with grandmothers or ayahs, giving mothers the chance to sleep at night and therefore to eliminate the need for “sleep training”. Kids were commonly hand fed by members of the extended family, or by hired help, until they naturally began to eat by themselves.

In Europe, parents rarely experienced the privilege of domestic help, and even the assistance of extended families. This placed enormous burdens on mothers, but it also means that European kids were more self-sufficient. A child who does not sleep, eat, or dress by herself, is understandably unacceptable to a mother already overwhelmed by responsibilities at home and in the professional world.

Daycare is another reason that children in Europe are less spoilt than in many other parts of the world. Upon finding themselves only one amongst scores of kids vying for the attention of a couple of beleaguered teachers most children learn to look after their own basic needs quite early on.

I was determined that Ishaan would overcome his genetic heritage and be “Well Behaved” in true European style. The formula for this transcendence had seemed obvious: zero indulgence, clear boundary setting, strict policing of said borders, a refusal to “baby” the child, and packing him off to creche once this was feasible.

Unfortunately, in my case none of this worked, or at least not a lot of the time. Setting boundaries for a toddler and then sticking to them is harder than having all your teeth pulled out simultaneously. Without anesthesia. I did send both boys to creche. But while they always behaved very well there, what they were actually doing was storing up monstrous quantities of bratiness to unleash on their parents once back home.

Oh well. I tried. We survived. They flourished. European or India, that’s a good result!