Funnycontrol | Twitter headquarters or Big Boss ka ghar? Time for an audience poll

Thursday 5 pm Eastern Standard Time is when we find out who's left standing and who's flown the cage. (Representational image: Tom Wilson via Twitter)

What's happening at Twitter HQ now doesn't need spicing-up, not for Funnycontrol. Perhaps not even for the regional language channels. Indeed, we wouldn't be surprised if someone told us that Big Boss 16 was being shot at Twitter HQ. Today's task: Big Boss Elon Musk has sent out an email to all employees outlining how Twitter 2.0 will need to be "extremely hardcore", and they need to opt in for “Long hours, high intensity” or bow out.

The Chief Twit's email goes on to say that people need to click "yes" by 5pm Eastern Time on Thursday (3.30 am India time on Friday), else they get three months' severance. Means, all too literally, “Big Boss yeh kaahnechaahte hai ki meri laathi meri bird”.

Elon Musk’s email went out this morning, titled “A Fork in the Road,” asking those who want to stay to click on a link. This made Robert Frost rise from the grave and pen “2 forks led into the woods. I took the one that got me verified. That has made all the difference. Now give me $8”.

Anyone who doesn’t click yes by the deadline will be gone, according to copies of the email sent to Forbes by three sources familiar with the matter. We are waiting for a fourth source so we can answer your question “chaar log kya kahenge”. Some Twitter employees have even considered migrating to Ukraine. According to them, “There you at least know where the missiles are coming from.”

Tech layoffs are coming left, right and centre. Those are also the political leanings of the ones being fired.

They say the way Elon Musk is running the place, for the first time in human history, employees are appreciating the HR department. “At least HR would only run away saying: 'We’ll get back to you.' Elon keeps getting back at you,” said one employee on condition of anonymity but asked us to promote his gofundme page @Iamligmajohnsontwitterengineer

The new chief said the new Twitter will be more engineering-focused and those who write “great code” will hold the most sway. This might be alien for many Indian employees who have found their engineering degree to be more useful in engineering their arranged marriage market value than any
actual engineering.

“If you are sure that you want to be part of the new Twitter, please click yes on the link below... Whatever decision you make, thank you for your efforts to make Twitter successful,” Musk added. A lot like my ex-girlfriend demanded we remain friends after we broke up.

Some analysts said this actually offers a way out for employees, with a decent severance package, unlike an Indian arranged marriage. One analyst goes on to say the ultimatum is a +ve way out, given week 1 saw 50 percent of staff fired over the weekend, followed by week 2, when some fired people called back and WFH ended immediately. Even Lizz Truss meme makers have struggled to keep up with this. Personally, I am afraid of losing my job as a humour columnist because Elon Musk is making the whole world a circus using Twitter.

Now, Twitter employees and I join the suspense to see what will happen at 5 pm EST on Thursday - who is left standing and who will be gone. Until then, let's poll.

What percentage of Twitter employees will take up this offer:

1. Indian aunty bargaining rate - 50%

2. Seats left for general category - 10%

3. Admission cut-off for DU college - 100%

4. % of people who lie on their CV - 75%