Healing Space | The secret to a 50-50 in relationships

Illustration by Suneesh K.

Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.

Relationships are not mathematics, they may lean more towards chemistry. But did you know physiologically, the heightened bodily responses of instant attraction are actually a fight or flight response? A state of arousal when your body evaluates whether you are in danger. This instinct to team up, whether in love or business, is therefore agreeing to trust but also gauging the dangers in the partnership. You are both on guard and committing to trust each other. That’s why new partnerships are a bit of a game. You’re reading each other and figuring out how much to trust and how soon to run.

Social equity theory, an organisational principle in work places, may sound dry, but the ratio of input to output does define the rationality of workable relationships. Partners who feel they are getting a fair deal tend to work better together. So they examine whether they or their partner is getting a better deal. People tend to compare the deal they have with what another person gets, a standard, say a friend. They go ‘hey, why are they getting a Diwali bonus or expensive gift when I’m not?’ The value of equity is always based on perception, whether it markets or in relationships. But what is perception based on?

One of my teachers of Buddhist philosophy tells the following story: Two people head out for a driving test early in the morning. One of them is sleepy so the instructor insists she drinks coffee before beginning. The other is too nervous, so the instructor insists she closes her eyes and takes some calming breaths before beginning. When the students compare notes, they discover that one seems to have received something extra, preferential treatment, over the other, from each other’s perspective. These instructions or extras can get ritualised. The first student can begin to think they will not pass without drinking coffee. The second student can think that the breathing is the secret to passing the test. A third student who is prescribed neither of these can think that the instructor is showing favouritism to her other two students by undertaking special practices with them. The problem is not the practice per se, but the ritualisation of practice and not understanding why one is doing what one is doing.

This applies to relationships of all kinds. We fall into routines, where even if we are performing the expected gesture, it has become meaningless and ritualised. If the ritual is missing, we imagine there is no value to the relationship anymore. We don’t understand what we do or why we do them, but believe doing them is what will make the relationship work, or a success.

In a season of mass gifting, meaningless tokenism and commercialised value, it’s easy to mistake everything that is great for boosting the economy as good for relationships too. But that’s not always the case. It might be a good idea to stop and think what this token, gesture, gift, or ritual means this time. If it’s in a workplace, would you rather have a conversation with your boss about the next leadership role he sees you in, or a potential raise, or your flexi timing schedule, in lieu of the Tupperware gift set? If you have taken a business hit, or had to bear a lot of medical expenses this time, would it bring you closer as a family to sit down and talk about how you would rather save and invest than spend because you are expected to? Can you send out a gift that is home-made, sustainable and meaningful with a lovely note on the value of conservation at this time? Perhaps you will come away with an insight into who has understood the difficult lessons and values that you have had to cope with in this life-changing year or two.

Relationships become equal not when they are mathematical, but when they are meaningful. An expensive gesture can be empty if it doesn’t come with time and thoughtfulness. At the same time, you can’t tell someone you’re gifting them your time when you are gifting everyone else your money! Balance goes both ways, and it shows.