Relationship tips: What to do when your child lies to you

Finding out that your child has lied to you can be devastating. However, instead of reacting with big emotions, take a step back and approach the issue calmly. Punishing will only teach the child to further hide things from you and they might learn to do it more deftly. Instead, try to find out the reason why they felt compelled to lie.

Create an open environment at home where your child feels safe coming to you and sharing their thoughts without fear of judgment.

Listening calmly doesn’t mean there won’t be any consequences. But the consequences should result in your child learning the value of about honesty and responsibility.

Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to handle the situation:

• Stay calm and avoid immediate punishment

When you realise your child has been dishonest, try not to react immediately with punishment or an emotional outburst. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents to keep emotions in check when addressing children’s misbehaviour, fostering a supportive space for growth.

You want to avoid harsh reactions and severe punishment as this can make your child only hide and lie more if they start fearing the consequences.

So take a deep breath and approach the situation calmly. If you need, take a timeout for yourself and come back to the topic when you’re calmer.

Rather than immediately scolding or punishing, try to create an environment where you can understand their reasons for lying.

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• Seek to understand the reason behind the lie

Children may lie for many reasons: fear of punishment, a desire to avoid disappointing parents, or simply not knowing how to handle a situation. Try to gently explore the reason behind the slip up. Ask open-ended questions like, “Can you tell me what happened?” or “Why did you feel you couldn’t tell me the truth?” These may encourage them to express their feelings without the fear of being reprimanded.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, understanding and validating children’s emotions during difficult conversations builds trust and encourages them to be open about future issues.

When they do start talking, try to listen without judgment. Show empathy and acknowledge their feelings. You want them to feel safe about talking to you.

• Explain the importance of honesty

Once you understand the situation, emphasise the value of honesty in a way they can grasp. Instead of focusing on the lie, explain why telling the truth is essential for trust.

Research shows that values-based discussions, especially around honesty, positively impact children’s behaviour and long-term moral development. Explain that honesty builds trust and makes problem-solving easier. Try saying, “When you tell me the truth, we can work things out together. Lying makes it harder for me to help.”

Share examples of times when truthfulness led to a positive outcome, helping reinforce the idea that honesty has its rewards.

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• Establish consequences and solutions

When you focus on being understanding, it doesn’t mean that you are ignore the act. Make sure your child understands that lying has consequences but instead of simply punishing, your child should be able to learn something from this. For example, if they lied about homework, they could have extra study time to complete it.

Encourage responsibility by helping them correct mistakes.

Consistent, restorative consequences can improve children’s behaviour and help them understand the value of responsibility, according to Positive Discipline by US-based author of the Positive Discipline Series, Dr. Jane Nelsen.

• Build trust by encouraging open communication

To prevent such events from happening in the future, let your child know that they can come to you with the truth and that you’ll listen without judgment. Reinforce that being honest won’t always result in punishment.

Show them that you value honesty by acknowledging when they tell the truth. Also show by example as children learn what they see.

Studies available on the Harvard Graduate School of Education show that positive reinforcement improves children’s willingness to be tell the truth.

• Revisit expectations and rules

Children may lie or hide things if they’re unsure of household rules or feel overwhelmed by strict boundaries. Make sure there are no ambiguities about the rules in your house, like eating dinner in front of the TV, or being back home at a certain time. If you are inconsistent with your rules, your child will be confused.

Allow your kids to participate in setting the family rules as this promotes engagement and they will be more likely to follow them, as highlighted by the Child Mind Institute.

• Be patient and stay consistent

Lying is easy, learning to be truthful takes time and effort. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that it is possible for children to internalize positive behaviours when they are dealt with patience and consistent reinforcement. So don’t hold back on constantly emphasizing the benefits of honesty and how they can be trusted more if they are honest.

Finding out that your child has been dishonest can feel disappointing, but it’s an opportunity for teaching. With patience and a consistent emphasis on honesty, you can help them develop values of trust and integrity that will last a lifetime.