Healing Space | Virat Kohli - Gautam Gambhir spat: Talk to the bat

People who do not cultivate impulse control and awareness of context when things are calm, are unlikely to be able to bring it into play when provoked. It takes practice. (Illustration by Suneesh K.)

Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.

When Cristiano Ronaldo and Marcelo first met on field in a Brazil vs Portugal friendly fixture in 2008, they were embroiled in sporty after-game combat. Marcelo had called Ronaldo "a big mouth". There’s an infamous photograph of Ronaldo holding Marcelo by the neck. That fight was the turning point for their friendship though. They quickly became inseparable friends after that. What turned the tide? By all accounts, it was Marcelo who de-escalated the situation. As Ronaldo poked him in the chest, Marcelo asked him not to do that. Ronaldo shouted. Marcelo then reportedly said to him, it’s a game, these things happen in sport. It’s normal.

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If Virat Kohli vs Gautam Gambhir has come to represent a legendary sporting rivalry, so has Roger Federer vs Rafael Nadal. And yet, only one of the two pairs will ever be known for holding hands and sobbing as they ended their sporting relationship. Gautam and Virat have been at each other’s throats before. But Brian Lara and Sachin Tendulkar haven’t, neither have Serena Williams and Caroline Wozniacki. We all know by now why Will Smith lost his cool on the biggest platform for cinema in the world, but what we all really want to know is how did Chris Rock hold himself to account in exemplary fashion at the receiving end?

Why do some rivalries go bad, and why do some, aggressive and demanding as they are, epitomize what a healthy relationship looks like?

The first rule of rivalry is to respect the work. Even if you don’t like the manner or person, you can always find something in their work that explains why they are a worthy rival. If what they did didn’t matter, you wouldn’t notice them. That respect for the craft, skill, hardwork, mental aptitude of the rival, is generally what cements the way the relationship goes forward. When one is unable to respect a rival, insecurities arise, causing one to put on a display of aggression that becomes an overcompensation.

That things are bound to get aggressive on field when competition is involved is not really true. De-escalation is a mental and emotional skill. As Vipassana teacher S.N. Goenka puts it, when you see a man running towards you with a lit match, you don’t run towards him with a can of petrol, you run towards him with water. In the moment of conflict, most people want to be right, to win, and are not thinking about managing the situation or understanding the context. When one person wins an argument, the other necessarily loses by implication, so such arguments and conflicts are about humiliating or defeating the other party, which is not sportsmanlike. Wins and losses are in score and strictly a test of sporting skill, which is again influenced by various factors from form to storm, and are not a personal equation.

Marcelo’s ability to go beyond the immediate aggression of what was being said and done and understanding that it had been expressed in the heat of the moment, in the larger context of a sporting game, is a wider perspective that helps heal situations. Similarly, Chris Rock could have responded with equal anger, in fact no one would have blamed him if he had, but he kept the larger context in mind and chose instead to keep his cool and manage the situation. There would be time for anger and recrimination later, possibly in private or among friends, when the eyes of the world were not on them.

To be clear, keeping one’s cool is a choice. Losing one’s cool is the act of one who has abdicated their choice. The emotions are now in-charge. They translate directly from provocation to feeling to action. As an example, you might be passing a bakery window and think ‘oh I want to eat everything’. But you don’t, do you? You may go in and buy one item, or a few more for later, or you may just keep walking past and do nothing. Your emotion, want, desire, does not translate into action because you do not let it. If you went in and ate everything because you had thought you would, your emotions would be in charge of your actions.

We don’t follow through for all hunger, because we exercise impulse control. With anger, we allow the emotion to be in charge. You’ve thought unsavoury things about a person and you proceed to tell, or show them, what exactly you’re thinking. So, you’re hurling abuses, or poking them in the chest, shoving or punching them.

The impulse to douse the fire instead of inflaming it is not one that will come into play unless it’s consciously cultivated prior to the point of triggering. People who do not cultivate impulse control and awareness of context when things are calm, are unlikely to be able to bring it into play when provoked. It takes practice. Even then, one is likely to forget it in the heat of the moment for a while, and quickly bring it back to focus after a while.

People who are mindful of context, emotions, impulse, impact are able to manage situations that have the potential to get overwhelming quickly. It doesn’t mean they never lose their cool, there is no such person, just that when things get out of hand, they are able to locate themselves well within the social context and bring things to an even keel with least damage caused.

How to de-escalate a situation with a professional rival

1.    Find something in the rival’s skill or work to respect.

2.    Keep in mind the context in which things are said and done.

3.    Don’t seek a win, or to be proven right in the moment. Do that when it’s calmer.

4.    Make your point without humiliating your rival. Choose better language.

5. The person in control of their emotions emerges as mature. You’ve already won.