Healing Space | Slapgate. How not to get there

Our brains make split-second decisions about whether something is a joke or a potential insult. (Illustration by Suneesh K.)

Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.

We all get angry. Angry enough to want to punch someone. But we don’t. One reason is the strength of our emotional regulation.

For this we have to understand how we process our emotions. We receive a sensory input, touch sound sight smell taste, which we process cognitively. The mind very quickly decides ‘oh, was that an insult?’ or ‘oh no, it’s okay, it was just a joke’. It takes a split second to recognise the corresponding sensation that arises out of this interaction as pleasant or unpleasant. If it’s pleasant, the muscular motions of putting out laughter get into motion. If it is unpleasant, we frown, we stop smiling, we feel some heaviness in our chest or abdomen, we clench our teeth and jawline. In this way, the sensation triggers the emotion, sadness, anger, fear, embarrassment. The emotion gives us a feeling, of being insulted, defensiveness, and we are taken to expressing it. The trick lies in knowing how to regulate this chain that is set off with every sensory input.

When the sensory input is strong, the sensation we receive is strong.

Let’s say you’re walking on the street and you get the fragrance wafting in from a bakery you are passing. It smells so delicious, your mouth starts watering and you get a sensation in your stomach, a pang, an urge. Depending on how strong that input is, your brain might process it as an emotional want, need. For instance, if it’s the smell of something familiar, a cake or desert your grandmother used to make for you, the trigger will be stronger because it is also accessing and stimulating memory. Depending on the strength, you feel a craving and express that by stopping and entering the bakery to buy a delicacy. If your emotional regulation is strong, you are able to be non-reactive to the rising emotion. Which means you still receive the sensory input (the tempting fragrance), and have a strong sensation about it (mouth waters) but you cut the reaction there. You don’t allow the corresponding emotion (want, need) to grow into an actionable feeling (craving). If your emotional regulation is less strong, you allow the flow to complete its action cycle.

We regulate our emotions best when we are non-reactive. Knowing where to cut the rising emotion is key. If you cut it after a feeling (hunger) has arisen, you are less likely to be able to control the reaction because the emotion has had time to process and become strong. This is why we often fail at our diets. Research shows that when we watch television cookery shows, or shows in which food is a strong stimulus, scroll the food delivery apps, or are subject to constant advertising, our ability to resist these triggers goes down. The stronger the sensory input, the stronger the sensation, and the lower our ability to cut its growth into action.

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This is why meditative techniques like vipassana and even the grounding exercises a therapist may give you - breathe in, breathe out, observe yourself - are based on the somatic response of the body; i.e., what sensations you feel on the body. This allows you to become aware of your sensations before they follow the chain and become expressions of emotional disturbance.

Even the simplest of meditative processes, i.e., observing the breath, performs this function. When you have a daily practice, you habitually observe the breath and become aware of it at its regular breathing pace. You recognise what the breath is like when it is unagitated. When you become agitated or disturbed, the first thing to change pace is the breath. This is because blood pressure increases, heart rate increases, pulse rate increases, the breath moves quicker and shorter. The moment you become aware of the breath becoming rapid in this way, you are aware a strong emotion is about to arise. This gives you the ability to interrupt its growth into an action.

This is what is meant by self control. When we understand the flow of emotions, we realise it is less about simply telling ourselves not to do something, and more about understanding how action is triggered. Self observation allows you to map your patterns and take preventive action early.