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Rouble to rogue ratio: Why war is the best investment

Russia: “Data is the new oil”. What we are doing in Ukraine is merely enforcing our data protection in line with European GDPR rules.

February 24, 2022 / 08:59 AM IST
Somewhere in Donetsk and Luhansk in December 2019. (Source: Website of the President of Ukraine via Wikimedia Commons 4.0)

Somewhere in Donetsk and Luhansk in December 2019. (Source: Website of the President of Ukraine via Wikimedia Commons 4.0)

US President: Now look here, Russia, we got some big donors here who have taken short positions on peace and long positions in defence stocks. Really gotta thank the Indians for creating an anonymous political funding cryptocurrency in the form of electoral bonds. So are we going to war or not?

Russian Premier: Oh, we are already at Cold War.

US: Didn’t that end in 1989? With the fall of the Berlin Wall? Who knew Berlin would create a new wall who would stand longer than Rahul Dravid. She put the Merk in the German Mark.

Russia: She also put a dent in our gas pipelines. No, I am referring to our cold war against cryptocurrency. We are merely moving military formations to move the markets. All that excess liquidity created by the Fed over the years should not end up in someone else’s blockchain. We have excellent blockchains of our own in our prisons in Siberia.

Ukrainian Standup Comedian:  I’m mainly here to do self-deprecating humour in front of NATO officials. Still waiting for them to laugh. Till then, I keep walking in the radiation rain so no one can see me crying... or die of nuclear radiation.


US: Look I am no spiritual guru from the National Spiritual Exchange of India. Nor are we regulated by the Supari Exchange Board of India. But I can assure you I am not taking instructions from any e-mail ID unless it comes attached with a North Korean Missile.

Russia: Look we are just repeating what we did in Crimea. Is that a crime? I kept telling the guys at OPEC this whole ESG phenomenon is just a fad like the dotcom boom. Or Microsoft Teams. They are all going to come back to oil and gas eventually. And you will need the pipelines to go through us. We are like the world’s largest search engine in terms of owning the pipelines. After all that Indian billionaire did say “Data is the new oil”.  What we are doing in Ukraine is merely enforcing our data protection in line with European GDPR rules.

Ukraine: Can you at least give us an NFT token of the pipeline’s photo?

Russia:  We had already made an NFT of Lenin. And we have been monetizing it long after his death.

US: Our previous president tried to make an NFT of himself. But then his supporters stormed the White House to steal it. Since then we have decided to crack down on NFTs.

Russia:  So we both have the same enemy. The blockchain. If the users identity is kept anonymous, how will we force the users to keep using us?

US: Well India is already linking Aadhar to Voting Card. That country has always been miles ahead in using technology for the benefits of its beneficial citizens. In fact you can also unintentionally make payments to the government via its UPI – Unintentional Payment Interface.

Ukraine: I am sick and tired of being a step down subsidiary of a shell company in the defunct USSR. By superseding our board you are violating all principles of corporate governance. There is a thin line between Mergers & Acquistions and Murders & Accusations.

China:  That’s true. We have been trying to cross that thin line with India for a while. And we have been threatening to cross that line with the whole world. But we know we must hedge against our aggressive bets. So in order to keep the market volatility of our actions within acceptable limits, instead of Carrot and Stick, we follow a Belt and Road initiative. We tell countries, you let us build roads for you or we will hit you with a belt. We tell all our citizens as well, “Remember, we are One Belt, One Road”

Russia: Well, I am glad all of us are here to rebalance our investment portfolios before we mis-inform our citizens about our war. Or the lack of it. Luckily, our populations are happy to believe anything if we promise them a road and threaten them with a belt.  So, we will take short positions in the rouble against all long positions in US defence stocks.

China: We will release a news item about a new lockdown just after we go long on the dollar.

US: Excellent. We will take long positions in the Russian server farm Mafia before we take short positions on crypto industry regulation. Some ungrateful citizens tried to create a ruckus around politicians making investments in stocks. We distracted them by firing a warning shot from the USS Federal Reserve. Now they are occupied with slogans like “#InflationLiesMatter”.

Ukraine: We will go long on spirituality and invest in the National Spiritual Exchange of India. After all, its corporate governance principles stand on three books of the Vedas. We are especially excited about their focus on ESG: Embezzlement, Spirituality and Greed.

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Vikram Poddar is an ex-investment banker turned comedian. He tweets @BoredRoomComedy
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