Funnycontrol | In England vs Maths, Indian parents win

(Representational photo by Diane Alkier via Unsplash)

As a standup comedian, one of the most fun surveys I like to do in the room is ask: “All the people who struggled with maths as a kid, give me a cheer!”. The loudest cheer is usually my own. So at this point I’m really wishing I could be re-born as a British Citizen in 2023.

British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak plans to ensure that all children in the United Kingdom will study mathematics in some form until they reach 18 years of age.  To which many Indian parents went: “How backward are the British. I enrolled my child in vedic maths and IIT correspondence classes in the womb itself. The lectures were delivered on ultrasound.”

In his first speech of 2023, Rishi Sunak said he wanted people to "feel confident" when it came to finances. Perhaps he is terrified of a future Lizz Truss coming up from the current lot of kids in the UK. Just half of 16- to 19-year-olds in the UK study maths, according to Sunak. Presumably the other half are busy making Instagram Reels on Wednesday Addam’s dance. The only maths most of them are interested in is the number of followers they have. But that does not stop them from sharing their opinion on how the UK government should tackle inflation, even as they deny the artificial inflation in their follower count.

It is not clear what the plans will mean for students who wish to study humanities or creative arts qualifications. But then lack of data has never stopped humanities students from having opinions on everything from what is gender to complaining “why will no one hire me after I spend 100,000 pounds on a degree in gender studies”?

The Association of School and College Leaders said there was a "severe shortage of maths teachers" in implementing this vision, meaning Rishi Sunak did not study his own numbers before making this proposal. But then lack of numbers has never stopped any politician from having a vision.

However, if you chose a career in HR, you’re already well-versed in advanced mathematics and the art of complex imaginary numbers like the gap between CTC and take-home salary. If you’re an equity analyst, then you’re a superhuman well-versed in quantum mathematics showing how the markets may rise unless they fall so that your predictions are always correct.

Indians are already well-versed with that mathematical problem: “If Amit gives Narendra 8 bananas and Arvind takes away four of them, how many monkeys does Rahul need to complete his Banana Jodo yatra?”

Indians can also combine maths and biology when estimating what amount is too high to spend for avoiding starvation at an airport cafeteria. (Calculation needed for domestic only. For international, any amount is too high, your parents can always have another child.)

The phobia of maths would be a relatable emotion to every second child in the UK, India and around the world. Perhaps the war in Ukraine happened because Putin was too timid to admit he was not entirely sure about the mathematics of his country’s military forces. Perhaps in childhood, his mom harshly compared him to his Ukrainian classmate killing it in maths. Perhaps that classmate was Zelenksy, given how he has raised billions in VC funding from the US congress for his peace startup. Perhaps Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace is really a book about mathematics rather than literature, for only a mathematician would be crazy enough to write a book with 1,200 pages. But most of us would rather lie about having read the book than about their fear of mathematics.

But since my readers come from all around the world, you don’t have to lie about reading this article. As long as you help the algorithm’s mathematics by hitting like, comment and share.