Funnycontrol | Dil mein mere hai Dard E Crypto

This whole crypto crash happened because people take advertising slogans way too seriously. (Representational image: Mariia Shalabaieva via Unsplash)

My dear crypto brothers and sisters,

A catastrophe has occurred. Remember, when I told you on Twitter last month that Stablecoin is stable because it has the words stable in it? And you guys gave me 1000 Re-tweets on that? Yeah, so stablecoin is about as stable as the future ownership of Twitter.

In both cases, it may have been spam bots driving up the valuation. I literally lost millions because of what some click fan in Kazhakastan was telling me to do. But look at the bright side. Both Parag Agarwal and I will be jobless at the same time, which means in some ways, I am also the former CEO of Twitter.

Now this whole crypto crash happened because people take advertising slogans way too seriously. In the late ’80s-early ’90s there used to be an ad campaign for a moped that went “Chal Meri Luna”. Crypto influencers have been singing this song, thus convincing us all that Luna is a stablecoin. They had us all convinced Luna was tethered to a stablecoin. But it was actually tethered to Tether. And Tether it seems was tethered to Ether which In turn was ethered (or was it tethered) to thin air. Thus we had a blockchain made up of blocks of nothing tethered together by a chain of gullible idiots.

Also read this November 14, 2021 article: Current crypto craze has the makings of another Tulip Mania

Now it seems people who had shouted Chal Meri Luna also had positions in Bitcoin. So Bitcoin fell because people felt they would have to liquidate their positions in Bitcoin to keep their Luna running. Which makes a great case for Bitcoin as a replacement to a fiat currency if by Fiat you mean the 1980s premier Padmini whose scrap value is higher than its running value.

But guys, you have to understand: This is just a temporary dip in the dip before the bigger dip dips further. So you must keep buying the dip till you are buying all the way into the deep. Remember, I am decentralized, defi, and quite frankly a mere token of myself. You can buy and sell my soul in exchange for NFTs. I am extremely fungible when it comes to money.

A lot of celebrities in the US have come under fire for promoting cryptocurrencies because now the fiat is literally in the fire. They have been accused of using their celebrity status to push an unproven narrative. Naturally, the people bright enough to rely on a Hollywood actor for their financial investments deserve justice. Just like the people who rely on horoscopes to find an arranged marriage match.

But I hope you understand, I will always be a crypto bro. If you ask me why I did it, I would tell you I did it for my family. But like Walter White from Breaking Bad, I must confess. I did it, because I liked it. I was good at it. And just for a moment, even this ordinary school teacher felt like a gangster. Throwing words like Ether, Tether, Dodgecoin, Ethereum made me feel like I was in a world of science-fiction. It allowed me to act and feel cool on Twitter, even as my savings account started looking more like a current account.

Also read: Moneycontrol Masterclass | Crypto slump to last up to 18 more months

I know a lot of you invested in stablecoins because you thought I was stable. But you see I am only a stable after the horse has bolted. Or in this case, the value of most shit coins. One might argue today that Amber Heard has the highest collection of shit coins in the world. And the outcome of the defamation trial should soon tell us just how stable her cryptocurrency of truth is.

Now they tell you mutual funds are subject to market risk. Please read the offer documents carefully before investing. But in this case, the only offer documents were the “Buy 1, get 2 coins free” offer that came with my purchase of mobile phone. I figured if this cricketer could tell me the right phone to buy, he probably knows which coin I should invest in for “2 din mein coin double” scheme. To be fair, the number of coins have more than doubled. It’s just that their value has more than halved in the same time.

Now you might ask how can a disgraced cryto bro like me still have the audacity to offer financial advise. Well for one because there are no clear regulatory guidelines on this yet. So just like the pain of investing in crypto assets at their peak, I will always remain in your hearts as your coin relationship manager. Because, dil mein tere hai dard-e-crypto.

Also read: How a trash-talking crypto bro caused a $40 billion crash