Funnycontrol | All you need to know about CBDC: Central Blank Denial Currency

You may ask: “I already have You Pee I, so why do I need Digipee?” The answer to this question also exists. (Representational image: Benjamin Dada via Unsplash)

After the booming box-office collections from their 2016 smash hit Demonetization se Denanofication tak, the Rehearsed Bank of India (RBI) has shared a freshly rehearsed script touting the benefits of their new Central Blank Denial Currency or CBDC.

The RBI chief said it would be a major transformation in the way business is done and the way transactions are conducted. We will now move from e-wallets to e-suitcases to buy MLAs and MPs before the elections. After the elections, we anyways have anonymous electoral bonds or cryptic currency.

CBDC is the same as the currency we use. Just that it's in a digital form. Which means one fine day the RBI can declare your 500 and 1000 CBDC to be invalid by remotely blowing up the parts of your computer’s hard drive that had any memory of them. They will also wipe out any memory of them doing so from our collective memory.

The new currency was referred to as Digipee in a news article, causing an unexplained rise in the stocks of diagnostic laboratory companies. It is the same as a fiat currency but the form is different and is exchangeable one-to-one with government-issued money. Which means instead of a note saying “I promise to pay the bearer the sum of ten rupees” you will get a digital notification saying “I promise to Digipee on the bearer 10 times”.

The RBI specified that at present it was doing a pilot study of the new currency by starting out with banks settling transactions among themselves. The idea is that instead of routing their transactions through a clearing corporation, they can now settle scores directly among themselves by throwing Digipee at each other.

The RBI was excited that eventually all corporates and citizens will be able to immediately settle all scores with each other in a Digipee hurling festival with shouts of “Bura na maano, CBDC hai”. It is said that the ghost of Morarji Desai was very excited by the whole country finally adapting his digipee lifestyle.

But of course, there are always some losers when any new technology comes along. CBDC will allow corporates to settle payments instantly instead of elaborate vendor registration procedures requiring standup comedian’s 10th standard marksheet to perform at annual off-site, demands to re-submit hard copy of soft copy of invoice, and payment to be settled after 30, 60, 90 Venus days where 1 day = 243 Earth Days.

This has made finance teams extremely unhappy, and many are now questioning the nature of their existence. “I had a target of ensuring at least 30 percent of vendors give up chasing payment before they give up on life. But now I am reduced to hurling Digipee at our vendors instantly,” said a finance executive. Our Funnycontrol correspondent politely declined his enthusiastic offers to show us a live demonstration.

However, the RBI Dy guv'nor could not resist taking a parting shot at virtual private cryptocurrencies saying: "It is not clear what specific need is met by them that official money cannot meet as efficiently. Then he shared the NFT of a meme from Chak De! India, saying: “Usmein kya hai jo mujhme nahin hai?” He closed with stating that if these virtual currencies gain recognition, national currencies with limited convertibility are likely to come under threat and sent us a freshly minted NFT with the meme “Digipee khatre mein hai”.

But you may ask: “I already have You Pee I, so why do I need Digipee?” Well, the answers to some questions lie in a letter that the Rehearsed Bank of India sent to its bosses explaining why it failed in its mission to manage inflation. But the RBI said the contents of this letter cannot be shared with the public because just like CBDC, transparency is also in pilot mode in India for now.

On a serious note, watch: What Is e-Rupi? | How will RBI’S CBDC Pilot Digital Currency Change Things? | e-Rupee Explained