Funnycontrol | Open letter to the Rupee

My dear Rupee, I will always support you, just like I supported the Indian cricket team in the ’90s as a young man. (image: Rupixen via Unsplash)

Dear Rupee,

I have of course heard of the “Dollar Store”. But right now it feels like your store is being looted by the dollar. Such daylight robbery should only be allowed by the I-T department. There was a time when you were selling at 48 to the dollar. But now you are touching new lows of 79.90. I was planning to retire at that age. But now I will have to work till 179 to make up for the inflation you have created with your falling standards.

We import 80 percent of our oil and 180 percent of our original Bollywood film ideas from abroad. Every time oil goes up, you go down. (Sometimes you stay down even when international crude prices decline!) And every time you go down, my blood pressure goes up. Unfortunately unlike forex, there is no hedging product for cardiac arrest.

Everyone keeps saying that you are hitting new all-time lows every other day. Which makes me feel a lot like a fan of the Indian cricket team in the ’90s.

Yes I know all the reasons. Supply chain shortage. The war. The US Federal Reserve raising interest rates. And they say it has reduced my purchasing power.

But my dear Rupee, I barely have any purchasing power in my own house. Every purchase of mine is looked at by my maid with suspicion. And every day my currency in her eyes is dipping. At some point I may have to opt for voluntary devaluation so at least she can stop devaluing me further.

Also read: Five reasons why rupee can depreciate further, may fall below 80 per US dollar

I remember there was this film with the song “Aaamdani athani, kharcha rupaiya”. I am completely ok with that as long as the athani is in USD. I wish to tell all the foreign investors selling Indian equities that India is different from all other markets. People keep saying we are an “emerging market”. Which basically means that anything can emerge and one must be prepared for everything. But my dear Rupee, this is India and we work on jugaad. If I talk to my second uncle's third cousin whose first friend’s second sister works in the Federal Reserve, I am sure we can request the chairman to give you a little boost.

My dear Rupee, never forget that you have many friends abroad. They are called NRIs. Non-Repentant Indians. Who will repatriate their investments before they repent anything. They keep singing the country’s praises abroad while quietly liquidating you. But I will always support you, just like I supported the Indian cricket team in the ’90s as a young man. The multiple heart breaks they gave me have lowered my expectations so much, I will be happy if you are at least trading above the Turkish Lira. A lot like how Indian cricket fans consoled themselves back in the day with “at least we beat Pakistan in the World Cup”. Perhaps as long as we are beating their currency, it doesn’t matter if we are both getting beaten by the global markets.

I understand you are going through a bit of a Virat Kohli phase now. Where the abuses are coming faster than the runs. But I will keep faith in you, my dear friend. For it was from the morass of the ’90s that the new age Indian cricket team of the 2000s emerged. I am confident that one day you too will emerge from this faster, higher and stronger. And I will proudly wear your symbol on my sleeve.

But I hope you will not feel betrayed if I petition this publication to pay me in dollars instead of rupees this year. So my maid can stop devaluing me.

Also read: Despite 41-year high US inflation print, investors betting rate cuts are not far away