Funnycontrol: M&As that could bring the best of both worlds together

More interesting M&As in the future could be dating sites and home security companies, employee engagement firms and hospital chains, and of course standup comedians and ex-investment bankers. (Representational image: Womanizer Toys via Unsplash)

As an ex-investment banker, I am no stranger to M&A’s... Murders & Accusations. But with HDFC bank merging with HDFC and Elon Musk acquiring 9.2% of Twitter, I see a lot of consolidation in the banking space as well as in space banking. Which makes me wonder, if I were to return to my previous job as an investment banker (in case I did not mention it earlier), what kind of M&A’s would I like to run?

Telecalling companies and mental health portals: This is a great synergy as one can cross-sell mental health products after ruining it with telecalling. Both employees and customers could be potential buyers. Thus explaining why sales reps from Maxis bank have called 500 times to sell their Maxis Premium Mental Health card. I wish to tell them you have reduced my mental health so much, I am only able to pay the minimum amount due. But some day I will lose interest in you at the rate of 36-48 percent a year.

Elon Musk and Sandeep Maheshwari AKA Ankur Warikoo: This will result in the TedX from SpaceX trending on Whatsappx and Tiktokx. Thus explaining why this column is called funnycontrol.

Covid-19 vaccine makers and matrimony portals: Both of them are involved in killing the virus of singlehood and isolation, so you can be allowed to function in society. At every vaccination drive, the government can also set up a speed dating portal where people can play fastest finger first. The same game we were playing when desperately hunting for Cowin slots in the second wave. But as the restrictions are receding and the XE variant is acceding, vaccine makers can look forward to the wedding season creating fresh demand. Thus explaining why “booster dose shaadis” is the new trend this wedding season.

Business news anchors and fortune tellers: This would result in epic lines like “Today the stock of Batata Motors is showing the effect of Mercury on the technicals. And also in my choice of career. I see a bearish pattern ahead for both of us because Mercury is trading at 17.3X retrograde 2023 earnings”.

Startups and pub owners: This could be a great concept. “Get your employees so wasted, they are too drunk to leave office.” Bengaluru has as many micro breweries as it has startups. You can almost expect a Bansal to pop out of an alleyway in Indiranagar going “Beer is the secret of my energy”….and then one of the Thai Ghar Global fund heads pops up going “…Our energy”.

Slam poets and loan recovery agents: There can be no better synergies than the mutual value creation in this combination. Delinquent borrowers can be subject to incessant slam poetry at their door step on the latest social issue trending on Instagram. However, if you slam the door on these slam poets, their Instagram followers will hover outside your window snapping their fingers in appreciation to avoid disturbing the artist. (PS: This columnist also writes poetry from time to time, if any loan recovery agencies are hiring.)

Crypto exchanges and Indian mothers: Indian mothers have a way of sharing data on the blockchain anonymously that makes bitcoin look like a bit player. The neighbouring aunty has more data on you than Mark Zuckerberg could ever collect. And they know how to organize the data in a way that their identity remains anonymous.

The best way for crypto exchanges would be to partner with Indian mothers who can shame their children into investing in crypto “Beta mere jaane ke pehle, ek baar Bitcoin 100K dekhna tha. Hodl!”

Fintech portals and business news and standup comedy: There are natural synergies. Especially because sometimes it’s hard to tell the two of them apart.

Well as an ex-investment banker (if I didn’t mention it earlier), these are the kind of M&A’s I would want to run if I still thought like one. But today as a standup comedian, I think I would rather run an M&A of finance & poetry, comedy & coding, love & quantum physics. Now I know you must be thinking, “Wait, this column is called Funnycontrol. How did it suddenly get profound?” Well as the ex-spiritual guru of the National Spiritual Exchange of India once said, “It is not insider trading if the source of the information is the insider within you”.

With such holy spirits occupying the financial markets, I see many more interesting M&As in the future like dating sites and home security companies, employee engagement firms and hospital chains, and of course standup comedians and ex-investment bankers - the author is an ex-investment banker turned corporate comedian, in case he didn’t mention it earlier.