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Funnycontrol | International Yoga Day 2022: Market crash asanas

Remember, just because the market is crashing, doesn’t mean your paunch must also hit the floor.

June 21, 2022 / 06:42 AM IST
How to payback the friend who advised you to become a crypto bro and make peace with the rise, fall and further fall in some stock prices. (Representational image: Charlein Gracia via Unsplash)

How to payback the friend who advised you to become a crypto bro and make peace with the rise, fall and further fall in some stock prices. (Representational image: Charlein Gracia via Unsplash)

Dear Funnycontrollers,

Happy Yoga Day! I am sure you have all learnt to stretch your budgets just like you stretch your limbs to combat inflation. Today, we will learn a few special asanas to make you Fiscally fit. Remember, just because the market is crashing, doesn’t mean your paunch must also hit the floor.

  • Ignore asana: For this asana, you must lift your left hand and place it over your left ear, then lift your right hand and place it over your right ear. And firmly keep out all the speaking voices on business news channels. The ones that asked you to buy have already sold. The ones who told you to hold have now left you holding the bag. But it’s ok, in these inflationary times, at least you have a bag.
  • Side-kick asana: For this asana, you must balance on one leg, lift the other at a 70-degree angle and deliver a side-kick to that friend who told you to “get into crypto, bro”. For better results, you must also yell: “Dodge this you dodgecoin peddler.” This will allow the asana to come from the angst you have been feeling from seeing your bank account dip below the minimum balance. It is then that you realize you should have balanced your maximum a long time ago.
  • Powell muktasan: This is an asana recommended for US lawmakers when they look to hire the next chairman of the Federal Reserve. 
  • Close

  • ESG asana: When all else fails, tell yourself that even though the companies you invested in were not sustainable, at least they helped the environment. With no more offices to consume electricity, and employees to consume precious company resources, you can smugly do the ESG asana while staring at the red in your personal balance sheet. Now lift your left hand up to your forehead and give yourself a laal salaam.
  • National spiritual asana: For spiritual inspiration in the financial markets, who better than the former CEO of the National Spiritual Exchange of India. She was connected to the spiritual guru of the markets who even invited her to Seychelles for a spiritual yoga retreat. For this asana, you must acquire shares of the Spiritual Exchange and chant “Rig Yajur Sama” for 75 basis points.
  • 75 basis asana: For this asana, you must do 75 namaskars in front of the Federal Reserve building in the US and ask them to not repeat the 75 basis point hike. If they refuse, you must threaten to do 150 namaskars and remind them that you are not Malaika Arora.
  • Funnycontrol Asana: This is the toughest asana in the set. And really in these inflationary times, a 75 basis point hike in the writing rate is surely warranted and should be linked to the CPI – Comedy Price Index.
  • In this asana you must take the ups and downs of the markets to be as  natural as the ups and downs of your torso as you breathe. And you must laugh away all the stresses and strains of managing an investment portfolio. And making memes. And hope one of those memes goes on to become a famous NFT. And you are able to stick it to the next fool, making up all your portfolio losses. But when it all comes crashing down, just remember to stay out of the way of his side-kick asana.

    Vikram Poddar is an ex-investment banker turned comedian. He tweets @BoredRoomComedy
    first published: Jun 21, 2022 06:38 am
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