Healing Space | Be drastic, be dramatic to create change

People who really want to do the things they say they want to, take steps in that direction. (Illustration by Suneesh K.)

Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.

People are always claiming they want to make wholesome changes in their lives. They want to lose weight, change their sleeping patterns, avoid burn-out levels of work schedules and lead a different kind of lifestyle. Or that’s what they say. Because they don’t really. They just want to tell themselves, and others, that they intend on leading a healthy life; they have it in mind, in the way some of us want to own a chalet in Switzerland, or see the aurora borealis, or climb Mt Everest, but not really. Just, notionally. Because if we really did want to, we’d have looked up tickets, and training courses, and accommodations, and worked out costs, and saved up for it, and applied for visas, and spoken to other people who had done those things, and basically done the things we would need to do, or at least move in that direction.

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People who really want to do the things they say they want to, take steps in that direction. That’s how you know it matters to them. And here’s the thing: change is not possible until it begins to matter enough to you to want to change things. When most people talk about change or think about change, they imagine that something in the environment will change so that they will be able to live differently. For instance, that their boss will suddenly reduce their workload, that they will get a promotion and pay hike that will validate their hard work and make it seem worthwhile. They imagine a VC will contact them after reading their blog and offer funding. They may imagine the love of their lives will walk up to them and they will instantly just know that this is going to be the perfect relationship. Or that illness will cure itself, weight will drop, and concerns will resolve by some fortunate movement in their lives.

Notice a common thread? All of these rely on what we like to call luck, and which is in fact an abdication of responsibility. If luck is real, fortune works, if god is on my side, then we don’t really have to take any actions, we won’t have to put in the hard work. Unfortunately for us, god may also be on the boss’s side and may support his deadlines. Hence, the things we want to achieve are waiting on things to turn, imaginary or hypothetical support, and on someone else showing up for us.

The simplest rule is if you want to avoid burn-out in your job, there is no easy way around it – you have to change the way you work, or where you work. Most people don’t want to hear that. They want to hear that you can keep doing what you do and find a technique by which the same set of actions does not produce the same set of results. This is simply not possible. If you don’t change what you do, the outcome will not change. So if it means you have to quit your job, you need to start sending those resumes out right now.

If you need to lose weight, there is no pill, no cure, no technique by which you can keep consuming simple carbohydrates and high-calorie foods and lead a sedentary lifestyle and achieve your optimal weight. You need to make the time, you need to work fewer hours, you need to eat fresher food, you need to find that exercise pattern and do it sustainably for the long term.

If you are in a relationship that hurts, you need to change the fabric of the relationship whether through therapy, counselling, family interventions and other mediums, or you need to exit the relationship. While many look for possible solutions, and are willing to try a few things for a while, few deliver themselves the ultimatums they need to actually create change.

Drastic change in your life needs you to pull the plug on certain aspects of your life, make no mistake. If your drinking concerns you, it could mean you need to make new friends, friends for whom socializing does not imply consuming alcohol, and it will mean that you will need to cut ties, and have some people, maybe even those who have been friends for decades, be upset at your continued refusal to join the party. There is no nice way to cut those ties. It needs to be a hard no. You will, if you want to make changes, bite the bullet and do what you need to do to achieve it. Else, sorry to break it to you, you don’t actually want to make the changes you say you do.

Drastic change needs drastic steps