Funnycontrol | Thank God it’s not Monday

We could all soon become Winter Soliders, given the long cold bearish winter that is expected. (Image: Thomas Lefebvre via Unsplash)

Dear Funnycontrollers,

I feel your pain. I really do. I am looking at the losses on my portfolio from Monday, and I'm pleased to report that exactly one out of 13 stocks continues to remain in the green.

I am hanging on to it, just like the Indian cricket audience in the ’90s waited till Sachin got out before switching off the TV. I would advise you to switch off the TV right away. Because no Sachin is coming to rescue this innings. Nor can we hope for the spiritual guru of the National Spiritual Exchange of India to wave a spiritual wand.

As the Avengers would say: “We are in the End game now”. And one hopes there is a bunch of heroes somewhere who have taken it upon themselves to save the global markets from Mayhem.

For long, the world has looked at the Federal Reserve as SHIELD from the Marvel Universe. But the Fed is increasingly being infested by the Hydra of inflation. And its 50 to even 75 basis point increases are poised to wreak havoc on the world - a lot like the Helicarriers from Captain America: Winter Soldier. I suppose we will soon all be Winter Soliders, given the long cold bearish winter that is expected to free the markets. I hope you packed a good financial muffler.

It's a strange co-relation that rising consumer prices in the US are leading to falling stock prices in India. They told us India has de-coupled from the global markets. So why are we paying alimony payments like we are still a couple? Especially when paying alimony in dollars is getting more expensive day by day. We have now crossed Rs 78 to the dollar. One hopes that just like Sachin, it will at least slow down once it gets into the 90s. This is one century we can do without. Or else we will all be screaming “Aila” in horror.

People will tell you: “We have seen such crashes in 2001, 2008 and 2020. Nothing to worry about.” I would agree with you sir, if I had not also invested in crypto at its peak. The people who sold you crypto are usually the ones saying these things about the equity markets, although many of them were born after 2001, some after 2008 and some have been pitching crypto from the womb itself. Last I heard, the last category said they would prefer to stay in the womb than come out and face the music.

(Image: Olieman via Unsplash)

Now, me, I have seen it all. From the currency crisis of 1997 to the dotcom crash of 2000-01. From the 1992 scam to the 2001 scam. From business news anchors changing their financial prediction status to “it's complicated” to crypto influencers clarifying that when they say “fortune favours the brave”, they mean they will make the fortune for promoting crypto while you will need to be brave enough to invest.

They say inflation and stagflation headwinds are coming, bringing with them higher interest rates and even higher number of resumes flying out from online exchanges. They say every time Putin launches an offensive, a supply chain freezes up somewhere, the price of a barrel of crude jumps somewhere, a bushel of wheat becomes more expensive and Biden’s re-election prospects dip quicker than the US markets.

They say China with its Covid-induced lockdowns is causing a lockdown of a whole different kind on investors' perceptions of emerging markets. But on the bright side, I do see a future emerging for providers of mental health services. Unless your therapist has also invested in the markets. In which case, we have no option but to hope Sachin can single-handedly carry our hopes even though he is retired. Or like an Indian cricket fan in the '90s switch off the TV once your Sachin stock also gets out. And turn on Aastha TV. When even the National Spiritual Exchange of India has surrendered to a higher power, who am I but the ordinary retail investor with no control over the markets except a funnycontrol.