Funnycontrol: Are you interest-ed yet? Life with high(er) interest rates

They say inflation is a tax on your future income. Those who don't foresee any income in the future, might want to be in the loop on potential inflation refunds. (Representational image: Luke Jones via Unsplash)

Nirma Seedharaman: Inflation is coming. But no one seems to be paying attention to it. We need to raise interest rates so people finally get “interest”ed in dealing with inflation. See what I did there?

Shawtykanta Das: As an independent regulator, I am also “interest”ed in renewing my contract. I will execute your instructions to the T-bill.

US Fed: Hello, hello, only America is allowed to do pre-emptive strikes. How did you manage to pre-empt us in getting the citizens more “interest”ed?

Shawty: There is balance of trade. But there is also balance of interest. In the old days we had currency wars with the theme of “beggar thy neighbour”. But now we believe in pre-emptively “Interest thy neighbour”. It’s wonderful! Our citizens around the world are finally looking up from their Instagram Reels and are more interested in economics.

Nirma: And talking about economics on their Instagram Reels. We can really learn from Instagram about how to hook people’s rate of interest in your product.

Author of this column: Wonderful. Thanks to inflation, people will finally have a higher rate of interest in my column as well.

Editor of this column: I can already see the inflation in the word count of your articles. Stop adding your Instagram bio to the articles just to pad your billing. I did not grow into this job eating kaccha badaams.

Business News Anchor: Thank you so much, Mr Shawty Das! I can finally use at least 5 puns on interest rates that I have been dying to use in our weekly fireside chat. Because now there is a real fire. But thanks to inflation, we can no longer afford a fireside.

Equity analyst: The Reswerve Bank of India has swerved into the inflationary winds with a 40 basis point hike in the Repo rate and 50 basis points in the Comedy Reserve Ration. See I could have said 0.4% and 0.5% but I have an MBA so I have to speak in basis points. That is the whole basis of my life. I hope everybody has a comedy ration card to survive the headwinds of inflation. Or they might struggle to score basic necessities. Like an iphone charger that actually works.

Bond traders: The name is bond, junk bond. As you know there is an inverse relation between bond prices and interest rates. As interest rates rise, the bonds you are holding decline in value because they are offering a lower rate of interest than the new prevailing environment. A lot like how Amitabh Bachchan’s star is inversely related to Abhishek Bachchan’s career.

Economist: I have a PhD, so let me intervene even though no one is “interest”ed in what I have to say. Inflation and interest rates are directly related. As inflation rises, governments raise interest rates to douse the inflationary effect of demand. Which makes perfect sense when inflation is driven by supply side bottlenecks. They say inflation is a tax on your future income. But luckily I foresee no income in the future, so I expect the government will give me an inflation refund.

Financial influencer: GUYS! GUYS! GUYS! Don’t worry about inflation! Investors must keep in mind that equities may outperform in times of high inflation, as had happened in 2014 and 2016. People in India and the United States also saw a sudden inflation in voter sentiments in 2014 and 2016 respectively. As the economist explained above, correspondingly there was an increased rate of interest in attacking anyone with a view different from yours.

Shawty Das: It is necessary for monetary policy to focus on the withdrawal of accommodation. Unfortunately, we have found it much harder to withdraw government accommodation from our own officials staying on after retirement.

Turkish premier: Pfft. You guys are a bunch of ***** (censored for investor sentiment) playing around with a few basis points. And to the economist I say your PhD is not worth the paper your research thesis is printed on (mainly because of inflation). I rely on the resurgence in my self-confidence to hold interest rates even as inflation is hitting 70%. That is 7000 basis points. Now ask me if I have an MBA. Don’t worry about the short-term collapse in our currency. Remember, Lira hai sada ka liye.

Russian Premier: Now guys, if only you had taken a little more interest in my concerns, none of you would have had to pay so much attention to your interest rates. I can end this supply chain logjam with one phone call to my military. Or I can end the whole supply chain with another phone call to my military. So perhaps, more than your interest rates you should focus on my interests.

Common Man (in tribute to RK Laxman): I don’t understand how this inflation and interest rates work, and what is the basis for basis points. All I know is my home loan is more expensive while my fixed deposit interest rate seems disinterested in rising by the same amount. So I remain disinterested in what all the parties are doing in their own self-interest. I hope to laugh all my troubles away with the next article in this column. Because in this high inflation, high interest rate environment, the only thing in my control is Funnycontrol.