Healing Space | How to deal with an angry spouse

Anger stemming from a lack of communication and self-awareness is what drives issues of control and dominance. It can be resolved with considered therapeutic intervention. (Illustration by Suneesh K)

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Research shows an escalating trend of searching for solutions to cope with angry partners. Before you begin using the slew of solutions and tips available online to deal with such situations, it’s important to keep in mind that you first have to identify the kinds of angers that your partner is inflicting upon you. Anger in itself is not a negative quality, it performs the functions of expressing dismay, disappointment, seeking a course correction, or of protecting oneself, all of which are not ‘bad’ traits at all. It’s quite healthy to express anger appropriately. In fact, a relationship in which anger is not expressed at all is more likely to be unhealthy as it maintains the façade of polite agreement, and the real issues are likely hidden or suppressed. These can erupt later in an ugly or surprising fashion, when it’s too late to resolve concerns that need not have escalated. If you have a partner who is conveying anger repeatedly, though, and in an unhealthy, violent or intimidating way, it’s important to recognize if you are in danger and seek safety or intervention.

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Assertive anger is that which is positive and conveys a concern to be redressed. This kind rarely needs a raised voice, or a threat, or intimidation. It doesn’t get personal or make sweeping accusations. It targets a specific incident or issue and seeks an apology or amend. It typically defines the problem clearly and it will also spell out what the expected behaviour should have been, and what the solution might be (such as telling a partner they expected to have been informed if the other was going to be late, that they were concerned for their safety, and they would like a promise to be informed the next time). Typically, such anger serves a purpose.

Sometimes, repeated anger signifies that the angry partner has not been able to identify or articulate what exactly the concern is, or what solution they would like. This would require them to have some clarity on their part. It could also be that the real source of anger is hidden and the surface trigger is something else. For instance, the partner might have a fear of abandonment or being left behind, an insecurity about not being sufficient, trying too hard to be everything to their partner, and when the partner is late at work, or out with friends, which are perfectly normal activities to engage in, the angry partner’s suppressed concerns emerge and their anger towards this one incident becomes disproportionate. This kind of anger, stemming from a lack of communication and self-awareness, is what drives issues of control and dominance. It can be easily resolved with considered therapeutic intervention.

A partner who has slipped into a constantly scolding tone about mundane activities such as schedules and neatness and activities is typically taking on a parental role in the relationship. This kind of anger will also affect the couple’s intimate relationship because the equation has changed. You’ve gone from being a couple in partnership to a parent-child demanding obedience and compliance and offering protection and parental concern, so intimacy becomes emotionally distanced. It is likely the partner is basing their model of partnership on their parents’, but they’ve not realized they view their parents’ behaviour that they now model from the child’s point of view. They don’t see the partner as an adult capable of their own choices and decisions. Therapeutic intervention and self-aware inner work will help the angry partner convey concerns, and recognize boundaries and appropriate expectations.

Anger that seeks violence, dominance, control and operates through intimidation and threats speaks more to concerns with the angry partner themselves, than with the partner at the receiving end. Often, partners can blame themselves, and ask what they did to deserve this, or why they bring out this raging side in another. This is a sign of emotional abuse. No matter what you did, whether it’s too much salt in the food, overslept, broke a precious vase, or spent too much money, there is nothing that deserves such abuse. You are not to blame. It is important to self-protect and recognize gaslighting and manipulative behaviour that is arising from the angry person’s inability to resolve their own internal turmoil. Perhaps they were abused as children or witnessed hostile behaviours between elders in their family, or grew up in a dysfunctional environment and so replicate that modelled behaviour. Perhaps they are undergoing their own depressive or anxiety-laden episodes and have not been able to reach out for help. The person bearing the brunt of the behaviour is not to blame. The chronically and perennially raging partner needs help. The recipient needs protection from them until they are able to resolve their issues. Constant anger can vitiate the atmosphere at home and create anxiety and depression for others.

Beyond a point, a partner’s anger is their problem to resolve. A partner may point out an expectation or disappointment, but each partner in a relationship is an adult and can make their own decisions, have their own beliefs and be responsible for their own behaviour. A failure to recognize this that results in anger requires the angry partner to manage their anger first. The onus is not on the recipient to tiptoe around anger.

How to cope with anger

Recognize if the anger is valid and appropriately expressed.

Does the anger get personal and does the attack seem disproportionate to the incident?

If you’ve been brow-beaten by anger for a long time, you may no longer recognize what is a regular expression and what is abnormal. Check with a few trusted friends or family members or a therapist.

Do the roles each partner plays change when one is angry? If you're slipping into a parent-child compliance relationship, seek intervention, there are larger issues at play here.

It helps to have a system to communicate anger such as a time-out, a written list of points, a family meeting, where both parties listen and respond.