Healing Space | Have the sex talk. It’s about time.

Holding hands when you argue is a great way to not lose sight of the connection. (Illustration by Suneesh K.)

Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.

Look at the last dating profile or matrimonial site you registered on. It asked you your designation, location, age, complexion, religion, caste, race. The progressive ones will even ask you whether you’re vegetarian or non-vegetarian, drinker or teetotaler, and whether you’re a smoker or a non-smoker. What is the one thing that is not on the list of questions you ever discuss before considering a long-term commitment with your partner? Go on. Consider it. It’ll come to you. Eventually.

Sex. You’re not talking about sex.

Forget about with society, and the parent-child talk. Forget for a moment about whether sex education is taught in classrooms. Forget about the ethical concerns around pornography and promiscuity and the westernized dating culture. It’s a simple question: are you talking about sex with the partner you are having or planning to have a lifetime of monogamous sex with?

Most often, the answer is ‘no’. You are not discussing sexual preferences before you decide that you must hold hands and climb mountains and cross oceans and bear each other’s children and nurse each other through the worst and best of life. You plan to have strong opinions about how much the other earns, who will share the housework, vacations, looking after parents, financial asset building, joint accounts, when to buy a home, and health and life insurance. But you don’t ever sit down and discuss the following: how many times a week sounds like a healthy sex life to you? What if one of us is not in the mood? Do you bathe before and after (if that is important to you)? And how many sexual partners have you had? Do you use protection? Have you ever been tested for STDs? What kinds of sexual problems do you conceive we might have? Do you consider sex is vital for procreation or pleasure? Would you ever cheat? Would you ever be able to forgive and overcome infidelity? What is your opinion on polyamorous or non-monogamous relationships of any kind? Do you watch porn? What are your dealbreakers? What are your erogenous zones? What are your fantasies?

Come on, now, you’re thinking, decent people don’t talk like this to each other. Who says all this out loud? Well, for starters, people who have a healthy self-perception understand that sex is a natural part of life. It is a basic need, like hunger, and it fulfils itself through an urge for satiation. Non-fulfilment of sexual needs can lead to repression, suppression, overcompensation, displacement, that can find expression in unhealthy ways. These can range from anger, rage, and depression to loss of confidence and self-worth for all genders. Being shamed for having ‘unnatural’ urges by someone who has a conservative idea about what is sexually ‘normal’ can be deeply scarring to an individual and a relationship. It’s not even about fantasy and role play yet. It’s not even about right and wrong. It’s about mismatched expectations. If you think sex is strictly for procreation, and your partner thinks sex is a tension release, you’re both coming at it from different perspectives and it will lead to frustrations. If to one person emotional fulfilment, loving gestures are part of the process, and to the partner, it’s a duty or a physical urge that simply needs expression, you will find yourself withdrawing.

Where you learned what sexuality is, what sensuality is, what sources informed your idea of touch and tenderness, matter deeply to the sexual relationship you will share with a partner. A small reaction, like flinching, can destroy an entire relationship in an instant. Not knowing when to initiate and when to follow a lead can be disappointing. Unaddressed medical concerns, like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, pain, a lack of orgasms and monotonous routines interrupt sexual activity. Once you have a lifestyle that sees extended family, friends and children around, the concept of privacy is shot. Sometimes libidos differ greatly, especially as you age and get involved with work, or if one partner is undergoing life changes, is on medication, has an illness, etc.

When you are able to have conversations around sex before a long-term partnership and once you are together, you will be able to read each other’s cues better. If you don’t have much alone time organically, you will know that it is important to structure it in. Meeting for lunch and holding hands is a lovely way to connect during the day. Affection, hugs, kisses, touch, proximity, affect mood and the willingness to go the extra measure for each other. Holding hands when you argue, for instance, is a great way to not lose sight of the connection.

An intimate partnership is fundamentally sexual. It follows that you cannot form one that is healthy and thriving without ever discussing, understanding, disagreeing and disrupting the patterns around sex. If you haven’t had the conversation yet, it’s never too late to start.

How to talk about sex

1. If you’re hesitant, visit a counsellor to set the baseline and understand what questions matter. Understand what is ‘normal’ and what is not.

2. Ask questions. ‘What do you wish I understood about our sexual relationship?’

3. Listen without judgement. Do not condemn or shame. There is no right or wrong. Sexual openness requires a safe space. Create a safe space for yourselves within the relationship.

4. If you differ greatly on your sexual bandwidth, consult a doctor or therapist.

5. Understand illnesses, disabilities, medical conditions, side effects of medications, and ask the doctor how to counter them. Don’t simply accept repression as a state of being.