Book Extract – The Sensual Self: Explorations of Love, Sex & Romance by Shobhaa Dé

Excerpted with permission from the publisher The Sensual Self: Explorations of Love, Sex & Romance, ‎ Shobhaa Dé, published by ‎Aleph Book Company. 

***

THE CHANGING FACE OF ROMANCE

‘When are you ovulating?’ I recently overheard a man loudly asking his long-time girlfriend, at a chic, noisy Xmas party. Nobody blinked. Well, I did but pretended something had got into my eye. The girl yelled back, ‘Next Friday.... I’ll text you,’ as she headed to the bar for some more mulled wine. Were they planning to make a baby, I naïvely asked a common friend, who shrugged nonchalantly and replied, ‘Well… her bio-clock is ticking. She has frozen her eggs and all that. But they want to give natural pregnancy a shot.’ 

Fair enough. But does the discussion about the lady’s menstrual cycle and ovulation have to be this public? Would it be acceptable if she were to shout, ‘Isn’t it time for you to go recheck your sperm count? Or, you could leave some in an ice cream cup which I’ll pop into the deep freeze while you are away.’ Weird. Mating rituals keep changing at a velocity I find most disorienting. This is ‘normal’ party conversation...either I’m at the wrong parties, or...you know the answer. 

‘Dude...she’s so into herself,’ young men crib. They aren’t exaggerating. But so are they! When a self-absorbed narcissist meets up with another self-absorbed narcissist, what can possibly happen except a double narcissistic disaster? Young people these days love themselves—first and last like Kareena Kapoor gushes in Jab We Met, ‘Main apni favourite hoon (I am my own favourite)!’ If you are your own favourite, there’s zero space for another. No problem. Sexual mobility makes sure there’s no dearth of sex. Emotions?? Errr—yes. ‘I really, really, really love my Labubu.’

Secrecy, discretion, and privacy are key components in a relationship, according to old-schoolers, like myself. They boost romance! But then again, the notion of romance has changed irrevocably. Or has it just become more transactional in tune with the times we live in? I was reading about dating coaches across India, who are doing great business helping young men and women to connect. Why not? But some of the advice being doled out, sounded Neanderthal, not progressive and ‘today’. Like this priceless observation about a client who was getting instructions by the coach pretty much scrambled: ‘Dude...what’s wrong with him? Why is he smelling her hair... he is sexualizing her...standing too close...not saying anything.’ He went on to deconstruct the ‘date’ he had set up in a nightclub. ‘You can’t “pull” hot women so obviously.’ There are a few, highly successful immersion coaches in the business, as well, who charge upwards of `4 lakh per head to take a small group of men to exotic destinations, where they are trained to ‘pull’ sexual partners at bars, nightclubs, and malls. One grateful client provided the ultimate compliment when he endorsed the services of the coach, after he hooked up with a white woman, ‘I could not imagine being with a European woman without your help.’ If this sounds tawdry and depressing—it is! But apparently, modern, successful desi guys are duds when it comes to ‘pulling women’...and don’t know the first thing about the mating ritual. They shell out good money for bad advice from other duds, instead of using their own better instincts—which, I’m being optimistic, some of them must possess!

The oft repeated explanation for why Indian men aren’t the world’s greatest lovers, is that they are ‘lonely’—brought up in a gender segregated society, with very little interaction with the opposite sex. That should hold true for women as well. After all, our social system excludes women from being in the presence of men almost their entire lives. Little girls are raised to keep their distance from males—family members included. How do modern Indian women ace the dating game? What tactics do they employ to ‘pull’ men? Frankly, I can’t imagine any young girl spending her first date smelling the guy’s hair. But yes, women have their own imaginative ways to sexualize men, and no—the men don’t protest, in fact, most love it. 

Chest hair is not in vogue these days—polished, bronzed, shiny waxed/shaven chests do the job effectively and efficiently, say fans of ‘chikna chests’. Remember Ranveer Singh’s golden, smooth chest cleavage in Rocky Aur Rani Kii Prem Kahaani? There’s a generation of women who may never have experienced the unique thrill of running their fingers over a lover’s chest hair. Hirsute men have always been desired (‘Samson and Delilah’) till the fashion world declared chest hair uncool and unsexy. I am waiting for chest fuzz to stage a dramatic comeback soon! Stubble? Chin fuzz? Bushy beard? Only if you are Allu Arjun playing the villainous Pushpa. Facial hair on lovers burns skin, causes an angry rash and generally impedes smooth lovemaking. Do disagree violently if you are a fan of thickly forested body parts. Applies to pubic hair, as well.

Hairless, skinny, hipless, flat-chested, sexless, blank-faced young people dominate media as role models today. This is not androgynous ‘beauty’. This is plain tyranny. 

Boys look like girls, girls look like boys. They all look famished. Could this be the new world order? A generation of genderless beings in search of salvation, identity, validation. How about searching for some food, too?

**********

Shobhaa Dé, The Sensual Self: Explorations of Love, Sex & Romance,‎ Aleph Book Company, 2025. Hb. Pp.232

In this provocative book, The Sensual Self: Explorations of Love, Sex & Romance, bestselling author Shobhaa Dé asks you to ditch the rulebook and ‘abandon good sense’ when it comes to owning your sensuality. It doesn’t matter if you’re twenty or seventy, sensuality has no expiry date. Whether you’re nursing a heartbreak or rejection, dissatisfied with sex in marriage, or are anxious about your waning libido—Dé has got you covered. From thrilling first dates and the aesthetics of a perfect kiss, to the messy world of casual coupling, group sex, kinks, and sexual red flags, Dé strips away the taboos and lays it all bare with her trademark wit and candour. Whether it’s heartbreak, rejection, jealousy, or fidelity, she dives into the chaotic terrain of human desire and sexual complexities. She asks men to roll up their sleeves and put in more effort, be experimental and non-judgemental, and demands that women stop settling for boring dal-chawal sex when life can offer spicy, finger-licking chicken chilli fry. Part manifesto, part guide, The Sensual Self is a fearless exploration of sensuality, love, and desire across every age and stage of life. Bold and unfiltered, The Sensual Self shows how you can embrace your (im)perfect curves, take charge of your sensuality, reclaim your desires, and live, love, and lust, on your own terms.

Shobhaa Dé is a celebrated author, journalist, columnist, and social commentator. She has more than twenty bestselling books to her name. Her works have been extensively translated into a variety of languages, including French, German, Hungarian, Italian, Korean, Portuguese, Russian, Spanish, and Turkish.