Funnycontrol | 7 investing lessons online gurus will cull from Chandrayaan 3 mission

If you can, exit from one of the multiple WhatsApp groups on trading tips that you are part of. (Photo by WLS Amy via Pexels)

Any joy I felt at the success of the Chandrayaan 3 landing was ruined as soon as I thought of all the posts I would see by financial influencers and online share market experts. My predictions of what investing lessons they will preach:

1) Learn from failure: Chandrayaan 2 realized that five engines were too many and reduced the number to four. Similarly, I realized I was in five share market WhatsApp groups; too many, hence reduced it to four. So now I only have 80 percent misinformed news and operator-driven stock tips as opposed to 100 percent earlier. Unfortunately, because of this my over-confidence has gone from 100 percent to 120 percent so I am investing in anything with the word Chand in it, even if it's the defunct publisher of Chandamama comics.

2) Share screenshots: ISRO shared a screenshot of Chandrayaan 2 taking a picture of the Vikram Lander and then immediately deleted it. Similarly, every time I share my trading screenshot, I delete it immediately afterwards and hope the memory of its existence expires before weekly expiry.

3) Random analogies: The Pragyan rover is like a dividend that comes out of the value stock that is the Vikram Lander. But the Vikram Lander was only able to reach such heights because of the Chandrayaan 3 launcher. On that note, I am launching my Rs 499 course “5 ways to send your stock portfolio to the moon” or as it is called in Andheri “Chandivali se Chand tak”.

4) Shouting abuses at people who call me fake: Just like patriotic Indians have been attacking anyone who claims that the moon landing pictures are fake, I personally go after anyone who claims my profit screenshots are fake. I may not have verified-by-Sensibull screenshots to back up my claims, but I still feel it sensible to insult anyone who calls out my unverified bull.

5) Quote famous people: When Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon he said, “It’s a small step for man, a giant step for mankind”. In similar fashion, my Re 1 profit (less STT) on futures & options today is a small step towards the giant leap of wiping out my accumulated F&O losses of Rs 1 lakh.

6) Always thank your team: The ISRO chief thanked everyone who was involved in the project. In similar fashion, I would like to thank everyone who caused losses in my portfolio despite my genius. In no particular order I wish to thank the RBI Governor, Jerome Powell, Sam Bankman-Fried, overpriced tomatoes and my wife for not leaving me well before I had left financial sanity.

7) Don’t rest on your laurels and prepare for the future: Even before the cheers had died down, the ISRO chief and our honourable PM were already talking about launches to the Sun, Venus and Mars. Since I lost all my laurels in margin shortfall, I am directly preparing for the future. I have asked my astrologer to study my Mars and Venus to predict when the sun will finally shine on the black hole that is my P/L statement.

I wish to end this article by saying just like you have liked, shared and commented on the photos beamed by the Vikram Lander, surely you can do the same for this columnist who at least has Vikram in his name.