Funnycontrol | 2022: A real-life version of 'The Hangover' movie

In 2022, markets behaved like they had no memory of what had happened the last time they were roofied on artificially low interest rates. (Image: Still from 'The Hangover'/Legendary)

Sometimes I wish The Hangover had started with that epic morning scene featuring a half-naked Zach Galifianakis, a tiger stolen from Mike Tyson in the bathroom, a chicken that pops up out of nowhere like a crazed drug-fuelled version of George Orwell’s Animal Farm.

Now, let’s be frank, 2022 pretty much started that way and as we come to the end, we realize that Zack Galifianakis is actually Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF), the tiger in the bathroom is inflation, Mike Tyson is Jerome Powell, and that the friend who went missing? That's Covid, and it's been found hiding on the hotel rooftop at the end. And just like 2020 showed us what happens in China does not remain in China, 2022  may prove what happens in crypto-verse will not remain in the Bahamas.

The Hangover released in 2009, a year with the hangover of the Global Financial Crisis. And the protagonists wake up with no memory of what happened to them the previous night, unaware that their friend (Zack) had spiked their drinks with what he thought was ecstasy but turned out to be roofies.  Which is also what SBF has claimed in his statement to the SEC.

Markets also seemed to behave in a similar way, with no previous memory of what happened the last time they were roofied by artificially low interest rates.  The unexplained mattress on the roof of the hotel is Ukraine, the statue on the roof it lands on is NATO and the hotel is a hapless global economy.

Now the elephant in the room, I mean the tiger in the bathroom, I mean the crying baby in the hall with no idea where he came from is Putin. And when you tweet at the valet to deliver your car, it turns out to be a Tesla Police cruiser with blue and gold and grey ticks flashing at the top with a giant photo of Elon Musk on one side saying “To serve and protect free speech”. On the other side of the car is a graph of Tesla’s plunging stock price.

Now folks might recall the point in the movie where the undressed Chinese Gangster Chao jumps out and starts beating every one with a crowbar and then demands the folks return his money.  Its ironical that in 2022 that Chinese gangster might well be the US dollar against every other currency.

There was a brief interlude where Stu the dentist discovers he has married someone from a rather un-dentist-like profession and annuls the marriage. But Kwasi Karteng and Lizz Truss would have made for a great Instagram carousel, if only they could have seen it through. Eventually Zack goes from villain to hero when he also wins back the money by a rather shrewd art of card counting in the casino. If that casino was 10 Downing Street, then Rishi Sunak had clearly been counting all the chickens/cards correctly.

Eventually all the folks do manage to get together for the great wedding at the end of the movie which seems like a happy ending. Especially if the great wedding was the Football World Cup 2022 and your name is Lionel Messi. Now don’t go all Saudi on me and ask “Who’s Messi?” Because if oil prices go north again, even the most Instagram-uneducated youth asking for Rs 100 worth of petrol for his bike will be forced to ask “Who is OPEC+?” But if you’re French, you can say with some Delhi swagger, “Tu janta hai Mbappe kaun hai?”

Sometimes, like Stu, it takes a lost tooth to realize you’re about to marry the wrong person. And if you’re SBF, it takes your girlfriend throwing you under the bus in return for a plea bargain with the authorities.  As we see its full impact on global markets, perhaps in 2023 we’ll all be singing with him: “You spin my head right round, right round, When you go down, when you go down down”.