Funnycontrol | How to scale to a jillion trillion intergalactic dollar enterprise before lunch

Would you consider diversifying into some Martian Startups? (Photo: Lucas Pezeta via Pexels)

The last three years have been anything but mundane for the financial markets, to say the least. We had the Covid slump, then the leap, then the war slump, then the leap and now we have UFOs in the skies.

Personally, I am all for alien companies to get listed on our bourses. At least they can justify the P/E ratio claiming interstellar distances. It would also be great for the depths of the markets to have a new category: APIs or Alien Portfolio Investors.

I wouldn’t mind diversifying into some Martian Startups. Perhaps their aim is to launch a spaceship to Earth. Perhaps they have their own version of Elon Musk. And more importantly, their own version of Elon Musk on Twitter. And it might be prudent to have some off-planet tax havens incorporated on Jupiter.  You pay money for the James Webb Telescope to not look at you.

I think our boards could also do with some interstellar diversity and inclusion. Alien directors could offer perspectives like “You can keep arguing over what colour the logo of the conference should be, but I am telling you right now a Hindenburg-sized asteroid is heading for the Indian equity markets. We have already shorted the moon in anticipation.”

Likewise, the aliens could use some Earth-based consultants who would tell them “How to scale to a jillion trillion intergalactic dollar enterprise before lunch”.

Given that the average alien lifespan would be 1,000 years, the biggest discussions on interspecies marriages would be the alimony. And you would also have to take insurance against being cancelled by your alien in-laws.

On the other hand, the youth would appreciate the opportunity of having alien student exchange programs. So that your project partner in B-school could be XR-778 from Mercury. I hear they might be a little hot under the collar so I would keep my distance.

Many would also relish the prospect of alien companies coming to campus because literally anything is better than the current lot on Earth.  One expects that FMCG – Fast Moving Cosmic Goods – companies will do well in the next quarter…century. Personally, I am planning to take some short positions on the Martians and hedge my position by buying NFTs of Elon Musk.

Now, some are arguing that the whole space opera is a literally a staged space opera to distract the US public from the Nord Stream explosion story. I argue what if the US government knew we would not believe them? So they thought to themselves “F*** it. Let’s just go ahead and tell the public about the aliens. Tell them that they are the real creators of cryptocurrency. See no one will believe us and they’ll just keep making st*p*d memes.  On Nordstream, we can just tell them the aliens did it”.

For governments around the world, it will be a relief that instead of blaming each other for their own problems, they can now blame alien governments. For example: “The East Palestine chemical spill was caused by West Neptunian separatist rebels. Expect terrorist UFOs to crash into the Trump Towers in Pune”.

But I do hope we can come up with a vibrant F&O segment where we can take quantum bets on the interstellar markets. These quantum products would finally allow business news anchors to make sense of their statements like “The markets may rise unless they fall. Because Gravity……hahaha”.

But while we ponder over the nature of these Unidentified Financial Objects, I can only hope that we don’t suddenly start spotting UFOs in the financials of big institutions. Because if we start shooting them down, we have no idea what will shoot back.

via GIPHY