Healing Space | Financial infidelity: Are you cheating on your partner?

Secret credit cards, secret accounts, stashes of cash in an envelope, crumpled bills, omitted financial information, bank statements gone ‘missing’ or secret investments and assets and lying about the debt you actually have, are all small ways in which we cheat on our partners. (Illustration by Suneesh K.)

Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.

The principle of infidelity in a relationship is very simple: any act that you wouldn’t perform in the presence of or knowledge of your partner. We cross the line in small ways that can be emotional as much as physical. A smile, a coffee, an evening out, a confidence shared until it becomes a full-fledged physical entanglement. This applies to finances as well. It is generally supported by lies, cover-ups and careful omissions of information that you are aware would create a blow-up, so you conveniently leave it out.

For most people, this act feels as harmless as crumpling up a bill for a meal or a coffee discreetly. They don’t need to know you spend nearly Rs300 on Starbucks every day! Even though you had decided this year would be no-frills until you had enough to put down the deposit on the house. But also, maybe you are justifying it to yourself because her hair colour and stylist cost Rs 8,000 but she’s told you it’s only Rs 3,000 (and you already flipped out over it). You drunkenly offered ‘my treat’ on a night out with the boys, so you put it on your office credit card that she doesn’t know about. You lent your best friend Rs 25,000 and your partner doesn’t know. You upgraded to business class on your company-comped trip and paid for it yourself. You pretend a new dress is really old. The indiscretions of such infidelity are endless.

One partner can’t bully another to follow ‘the plan’. Minus a compromise, you will just end up with more deception.

Secret credit cards, secret accounts, stashes of cash in an envelope, crumpled bills, omitted financial information, bank statements gone ‘missing’ or secret investments and assets and lying about the debt you actually have, are all small ways in which we cheat on our partners. It interferes with honest communication, and indicates a huge trust deficit in relationships. According to a 2021 study by NEFE, a whopping 43% of Americans admit to deception and 85% report that financial infidelity has harmed their relationship and 10% that it caused a divorce.

There are a number of reasons why we financially cheat on partners.

One is ‘conspicuous leisure’ that comes to us from the visible social media consumption train. Research found that at least 28% of young people on social media exaggerate or stage their environment to appear wealthier. A pressure to keep up pushes us to stage ourselves, with clothes, branded items, frequenting restaurants or cafés or holiday destinations beyond our means.

A second reason is to avoid conflict with a partner. If your partner sets rigid expectations, blows up in rage, bullies or ‘lectures’ you, i.e., has a parental relationship to controlling joint finances rather than a partnership, you are less likely to be honest, and may respond in teenage rebellion.

Communication is a huge factor. When you and your partner have different money philosophies (research shows we often tend to marry people with a different money philosophy than our own), you’re not on the same page. Worse, you have just assumed you want the same things. I mean, who wouldn’t want more money in the bank, right? But to you that means in ten years you’ll be able to afford to own a house; to your partner it may mean that this year you’ll be able to afford a vacation overseas. So you both want a good life, but what that ‘good life’ means is different to both of you. If you do break it down, you may find you’re not talking about the same things at all. For some people, security comes from visibly doing well, owning ‘stuff’, having freedom of choice and movement and, yes, also being able to show off the upgrading. For others, it means living in the same house all your life like Warren Buffett with an increase in asset profile. Neither approach is wrong, but you’ll have to communicate specifically to arrive at common goals and paths. One partner can’t bully another to follow ‘the plan’. Without a compromise, you will end up with just more deception.

Financial infidelity can affect sexual intimacy, common goals, trust, and communication. It can also raise stress levels immensely for the person doing the deceiving. It’s time to have ‘the talk’.