Get off on the right foot

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"A coffee table is a low table designed to be placed in a sitting area for convenient support of beverages, remote controls, magazines, books, decorative objects, and other small items," says the internet. In real life a coffee table is a nervous wreck.

Cursed by all the tea in the world for usurping a name that could well have been theirs – what’s wrong with the central family table being called a tea table? What if no one in that house drinks coffee? And the vanity of those dull publications calling themselves coffee table books! Cup and saucer sorcerers got together to put a hex on the coffee table: "May you be used for everything but hoity toity caffeine!"

Still, a table needs its identity, and constantly renaming it cola table, rum table, peanut table will take a toll on its self-esteem. We need to call it just one thing and stick with it. We could say Cleopatra or Tansen, but visitors will need footnotes the minute they come in. And other pieces of furniture may take offence at not being named anything. And if this goes on, all day you are left with no other job but naming the saucepan and spoon something or the other. Which is still doable, except that you also have to memorise these names – calling Rukmini the stool Radha will make Radha the rug mad.

Other people keep pretty trinkets they picked up from trips abroad on their coffee table, our family has traditionally kept feet. That is, their own feet. Not random severed ones of strangers – we draw the line at that. Wherever we are seated in the house, we automatically inch or angle our chair towards this centre table. First grip it with toes and then lay feet like sleeping babies fair and square in the middle of it. A new-age artistic centre piece of a movable variety, even if it includes Baby Uncle’s bunions.

Much like passengers in crowded train compartments, every foot with its usual quota of five toes steers cleverly clear of another foot. An average coffee table can accommodate – like a 1BHK in Mumbai – many, many feet and still have room for more. On the middle of the table in the middle of the room, feet meet feet but nod distantly.

No footsie is ever played on this table. This is where feet come to die. Temporary feet of visiting people are encouraged to be placed alongside ours. In this semi supine position, we tackle world politics and the declining quality of banana chips.

It is disturbing for Indians to see tables being used for erotic purposes or just sitting there with an arty painting or bowl of fruits as seen on Netflix or foreign calendars. In our homes it is used for board exam studies, tuitions and putting feet up.

In a family emergency, when Latha maasi has run away the night before her wedding, and there is a call for all hands on deck and a need to think on one’s feet, there we’d be legs stretched, toes slowly finding the sweet spot on the table. In this position, solutions come pouring in. And even if they don’t, no one cares.

Also read: Please be seated