Why Trump's birthday parade was a revolutionary goose-step for capitalism

weekend wild card

Trump’s grand military parade celebrating his birthday may have been dismissed by envious critics as a damp squib, but they can no longer deny the US president’s genius—already evident from his magnificent tweets and utterances. For what Donald Trump has done will go down as a masterstroke in the annals of military history. It is perhaps the most significant advancement in military parades since the invention of the goose-step, leaving North Korea, the longtime parade leader, writhing in the dust.

I refer, of course, to the brilliant strategy of securing corporate sponsorships for Trump’s parade. A glittering array of American companies lined up to show off their patriotic credentials. The emcee interrupted his commentary several times to thank sponsors like Lockheed Martin, Coinbase, and Palantir. Big screens beamed corporate logos, and the military handed out energy drinks from Phorm Energy— a new beverage called Screamin’ Freedom.

Faced with such financial wizardry, defence ministers worldwide are in awe. “Pure genius,” said one allegedly budget-strapped general. “At one stroke, it solves the parade financing problem. The merchandising alone could generate a revenue stream for years.”

The only discordant note came from North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, who scoffed: “This parade was rubbish. Can they do thousand-tank ballets? Can their jets write ‘Down with capitalist running dogs’ in soy sauce vapour?” But Kim is being resentful. In fact, rumours suggest Pyongyang may now have soldiers march with banners reading “Drink More Taedonggang Beer,” while LED billboards flash: “Eat Like the Dear Leader – with Glorious Chicken Flavour Ramen" to boost consumption.

China has embraced the model enthusiastically, calling it “Trumpism with Chinese characteristics.” According to highly unreliable sources, the next parade will feature TikTok banners saying, “Broadcasting the Chinese Dream, 15 seconds at a time.” Tanks will be painted with QR codes for WeChat Pay donations. “In the future, every citizen will sponsor a tank for 15 minutes,” said a man claiming to be a Chinese influencer. There are even whispers of 5,000 synchronized drones forming Xi Jinping’s face holding a Redmi phone, with the whole parade narrated live by AI avatars sponsored by Baidu.

The UK is rumoured to be adapting this model for its Trooping the Colour ceremony. Tesco is said to be the primary sponsor. For the royal balcony wave, a man in striped pyjamas claiming to be the Fortnum & Mason CEO announced: “As a proud British institution supporting another British institution, we’re delighted to sponsor the Buckingham Palace Balcony Experience. Now with complimentary afternoon tea.” Guards will march under the banner: “Greggs Sausage Rolls – Fit for a King, Priced for the People.” The Last Post may soon end with: “This bugle solo was brought to you by Glenfiddich. Remember Responsibly.”

Putin was quick to offer congratulations. Dubious reports say Gazprom has already bid to sponsor the next Red Square parade. The Kalashnikov logo will allegedly adorn tanks with the slogan: “Power grows out of the barrel of a gun.” The final float will feature an inflatable Putin riding a befuddled golden bear, sponsored by Stolichnaya Vodka and holding aloft the banner “Vodka for Victory. Hic!”

Inspired by this trend, other countries are also exploring parade monetisation. In France, the Bastille Day parade may soon include French Foreign Legionnaires in Dior berets and Rafale jets trailing L’Oreal slogans: “Because our air force is worth it.” The Eiffel Tower is rumoured to beam 3D Cartier ads. In Rio, dancers’ bikinis may soon feature rotating corporate logos. Parade organisers are citing the French Revolution's motto 'Liberté,égalité,publicité’, in support of their actions.

Why stop at parades? Why not sponsor days of national importance too? The revenues could wipe out fiscal deficits, bring down interest rates and send stock markets soaring. Suggestions include:

US: McDonald’s – “I’m Lovin’ Independence Day!”

UK: Twinings – “Keep Calm and Carry On this King’s Birthday”

Germany: BMW – “Oktoberfest: Ultimate Drinking Machine”

India: Amul – “Utterly Butterly Republic Day”

China: Tencent – “National Day: WeChat, We Celebrate.”

Reports say that in the US a committee named Strategic Committee for the Revenue Enhancement of Annual Marches (SCREAM) has been formed to turn every parade, ceremony, and national ritual into a profitable, sponsor-friendly, globally streamed spectacle—preferably with fireworks, hashtags, and branded napalm.

As a shady guy claiming to be a military scholar mused, “If you can’t monetise your military might, what’s the point of having it?”