Funnycontrol | SEBI Moore in disclosure: The sequel

According to new SEBI norms, the top 100 listed companies need to dispel all rumours within 24 hours of them being raised. (Photo: Getty Images)

Disclaimer: This is a humour column and not intended to be taken seriously

According to the new regulations of the Supari Exchange Board of India (SEBI) the top 100 listed companies require all rumours to be addressed — not only those raised by exchanges — within 24 hours of appearance.

While companies now may need to chase and clarify rumours or stories in mainstream media, it won't be long before this becomes a need to follow up every WhatsApp forward by bored shared market uncles, every Instagram post by stoned financial influencers and every tweet by Anand Mahindra or Harsh Goenka (the two are interchangeable on Twitter). Imagine you having to issue clarificatory disclosures to HR every time you feel like killing your boss. And your boss has 24 hours to convince his superiors that the rumours are untrue so they don’t start looking for his replacement.

A lot of regulatory functions in the financial world rest on the principle “If you are going to kill somebody, just make sure you file adequate disclosures”. But now we have a new bunch of guidelines that are taking this to the next level. They say “Even if you think of killing somebody, you must file a disclosure”. Now the problem is, if you disclose publicly your thoughts of killing somebody, that person will get additional security and you will no longer be able to kill them. You will also cause tremendous losses to the people who had taken short positions in the target hoping that you would kill them. But the worst part about the new regulations is that now the regulator will say “You said you will kill them but you haven’t. Were you just spreading rumours to drive up your stock price? Now, we will have to kill you. But do keep 'making in India'!”

Employees of Twitter would only be thanking their stars that the company is not incorporated in India, because they would need an entire department just to dispel the latest tweets by Elon Musk. Except if Elon Musk is rich enough to buy Twitter, he is rich enough to buy the Supari Exchange Board of India as well. But let me not “add a knee” to that discussion.

The regulator naively presumes that the Indian population will not deliver to expectations when given such an incentive. So, the best way to cash in on your short positions in a company is to keep leaving rumours so that the senior management spends all its time addressing them instead of more pressing issues like Diversity & Inclusion. Imagine the promoter of a large bank having to spend half his time dispelling rumours that the CFO is an alien because he eats non-veg. The regulations kick in from October 1, so, at least, till then companies can continue to play “Wake me up when September ends” in the office cafeteria.

But a true Indian jugaad innovator could even turn this to his advantage by constantly spreading rumours and then dispelling them. The typical Indian mindset will presume that  if the rumour is being dispelled it is definitely true and pick up the shares. On that note, I heard this rumour from my domestic help that Funnycontrol is about to receive a fund infusion from abroad. So, please like, comment and share this news but wait for 30 minutes to invest after I dispel it.