Healing Space | The bullies among us

Bullies who are not used to losing resort to violence to win by any means as they truly fear their loss of position. (Illustration by Suneesh K.)

Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.

When Aparna Kartikeyan, the dog-loving Chennai-based journalist, asked on Twitter why the woman in an ad for diabetics was serving the family and didn’t have a seat at the table or why no one was serving her some green juice, she was mercilessly trolled for more than 48 hours.

When a political leader was captured urinating on a tribal man’s face in Madhya Pradesh, though the event was visually recorded, you realize this isn’t behaviour that is a one-off, and the intimidating and bullying tactics have become ‘normalized’ for this person.

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Bullies rarely see their behaviours as problematic. They have always neglected, ignored, or intimidated, threatened and humiliated others who are weaker than they are, and their behaviour has been accepted or even encouraged. Hence, when they are called out, they are shocked and respond with aggression.

In the first case, an entire class of men has not seen an essential problem with a woman who serves, and does not have a seat at the table while others eat. Whereas to someone from a home where this is not the norm, where women eat along with the rest of the family and are also served, the image immediately comes across as incongruent. To those who normalize the subservience or secondary position of women, there is an institutionalized hierarchy that has become threatened by this, hence they must rush to protect it. Hence, a mob (virtual in this case) gathers around the naysayer, the one who points out the anomaly, and tries to put her back in her place.
This is how bullies operate. Primarily, they become threatened by a perceived loss of position or authority. They operate from fear, they must hold on to this position because it is what allows them a free hand. For some this is a political position, money, alliances with those in power. Since it is not intrinsically earned, like say an artist is awarded a position for expertise in his craft, the bully is insecure. What has been given to him without a solid reason can also be taken away from him as easily. He himself knows that his power is not intrinsic, hence he must struggle to hold on to it. Since he has no skill by which to do this, he must hold on to it with the same fear he feels at the loss of position. He projects this outwards and uses it to intimidate. When he exhibits emotional, verbal and physical abuse, people are afraid of him. In this way the bully seeks to take up space illegitimately in society, in the lives of their victims, and on the timeline. The louder, the more violent and the more mocking he gets, he assumes he wins. Bullies who are not used to losing, especially those backed by power, resort to violence to win by any means as they truly fear their loss of position.

Bullies typically pick victims. They could not win a fair fight so they choose those whom they perceive to be weaker than themselves. They isolate victims, they threaten them, or mock and seek to humiliate them in order to break their confidence. Bullying can be in public or in private, overt or covert, at school, home or work, in your society or office, depending on the authority the bully is trying to establish. It can be a public messaging that ensures no one else has the courage to stand up to him. Bullies are also two-faced, they are extremely nice if their demands are fulfilled but turn nasty when they are confronted. This is to establish their authority, themselves as the ones doling out punishment and reward. This belief in their own superiority causes them to enjoy their own acts of aggression. They lack empathy for the victim, they lack remorse for their actions and can also see themselves as victims, having been deprived in some way, in order to justify their bullying.

Bullies are systematic in their targeting, always choose weaker targets and have an intent to harm or take down with aggression. It is important to identify bullying and also be aware of the ways in which the bully can escalate violence and reach out for the help you need.

5 ways to deal with bullying

- Stand up for yourself politely but firmly, and without fear or getting emotional. Use humour to show them they’re not getting to you. They're used to seeing fear as a response and seek that as validation.

- Always inform someone with a higher authority than the bully. File a complaint.

- Deflect, avoid and distract where possible. Do not give them the engagement they seek.

- Form a group that can support you.

- Make it public. Call them out openly. Shout loudly. You can say ‘STOP HARASSING ME’ or something similar. Bullies are trying to maintain a public image and can be very wary of being publicly called out.

* Please note if you feel unsafe in any way or if you are threatened or witness escalation in violence and abuse, tell someone, file a complaint and inform authorities at once. Seek mental health support from your nearest practitioner.