Healing Space | How to think about death

How can we contemplate death in a way that is useful to us? The answer is to contemplate it correctly, without exaggerating it or diminishing it. (Illustration by Suneesh K.)

TRIGGER WARNING/ CONTENT WARNING – DEATH BY SUICIDE
#WORLDDAYFORPREVENTIONOFSUICIDE

Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.

It is our instinct to want to survive. Our pain comes from wanting to lead our best life and feeling obstructed by factors beyond our control, whether that’s the unpredictable weather or unexpected unemployment or a bear market. The recent National Crime Records Bureau report showed an all-time high in deaths by suicide, an increase of 7.2 percent in 2021 over previous years, with the four major metropolitan cities, New Delhi, Mumbai, Chennai and Bengaluru, reporting the highest cases.

While depression may be one of the factors that lead to death by suicide, it is important to note that it is not the only factor. All who are depressed do not take their lives, and all who take their lives are not depressed or necessarily coping with a mental disorder. Sometimes people pushed to the corner with financial liabilities or relationship, work, health troubles also may see death as an ‘escape’ or exit. There is no single factor that influences the choice to take one’s life and a combination of resources is required to reduce the number of people who see this as a valid exercisable option. It’s also a myth that speaking about suicide or death can incept ideations. In fact, open conversation allows people to reach out for help knowing they will be taken seriously. A lot of people do want to talk about their fears surrounding death but find few people willing to listen, and many who can be dismissive. It is important to have a trusted and safe space to have these conversations and air your beliefs.

Research shows that conversations about and contemplations of death help people overcome their fears and anxieties or misconceptions about death. We all have certain beliefs and superstitions or notions of the end of life that we hold on to. These may come from religion, culture, or from experience, seeing others pass. We may hold on to myths like if a parent passed at a certain age, I will too; certain kinds of medical interventions accelerate death because we saw someone go into a surgery and not survive it. We may believe our life is hard because we are being ‘punished’ and so we will never escape our circumstances. We may cling to unprocessed emotions like grief, shame, guilt, trauma for events in our lives, and see death as the only way out. When we have lost someone dear to us, we may believe we have no right to go on living. It is important to talk about these and confront these beliefs openly and without fear of judgement in a therapeutic setting. Holding them in enables us to exoticise the notion of death, enhancing our fears and the belief that it is an escape or exit. This is why many religions encourage a contemplation of the afterlife in their own way.

So how can we contemplate death in a way that is useful to us? The answer is to contemplate it correctly. That is without exaggerating it or diminishing it. When we value death correctly, we also value life correctly. When we diminish death, we risk our life in dangerous activity. When we exaggerate death, we see it as a fantastical exit from the realities of life. Truth be told, we have all contemplated our mortality at some point. What will happen to my children, partner, parents? Do I earn enough? Will I be healthy enough? We consider death when buying insurance and making investments in a pragmatic way. However, we find it difficult to contemplate death beyond this and end up repressing our thoughts about it. The more we repress our thoughts, the more our anxieties, fears, and misconceptions have room to grow. This pragmatism carried forward helps us see that death is a normal and inevitable outcome in life. There is no one born who will not die. Death is as normal as growing taller, graduating college and as hunger, sex and birth. When we see it this way, we understand that time is anyway limited and the circumstances of our life are transitory, not lasting. We see that the resources we have in hand are precious, time, energy, health, material assets, but also, our opportunities and connections.

These contemplations can put life and death in perspective for us. While there is no known single cause for suicidal ideations, it is important to keep the conversation about death going to both destigmatize and de-exoticise it. Death may be inevitable, but for the moment we each have a rare and precious life.