Funnycontrol | Comedy Commission of India hears a pressing matter

Comedy Commission of India accuses Chef Bozos of indulging in monopoly behaviour with a cloud between his tail. (Representational image: Robert Linder via Unsplash)

Comedy Commission of India (CCI): We have received a complaint that you two are in a Lexus and doing price fixing.

CCI assistant: Sir, I think you mean nexus.

CCI: Silence, no one questions the Comedy Commission of India. We prevent market monopoly by preventing markets. If there is no market, there will be no monopoly HAHA

Skipcart: Sir, that is not true. The two of us are not even running on the same cloud. Or maybe we are. That would be strange. Are we competing with our competitor or subsidizing them?

CCI assistant: Umm sir, this case is not about Lexus I mean nexus between the two of them. They don’t get along at all. Just see their advertising during Dhamaka sale. It feels like the sale is for customers but the Dhamakas are for their investors.

CCI:  That does not stop their investors from colluding, you fool. But I understand this case is about preferred vendors being given preferred access and promotion on your platform.

Chef Bozos: Sir, that is not true. We are an established company and do not indulge in illegal practices. We will never run away with our Cloud between our Tails.

Skipcart: Sir, don’t you have preferred matches on Tinder whom you reply to more often than you reply to others? I’m sure you have also broken a date with your second choice because your first choice became free. (becomes sad) Of course, then she cancels on you because her first choice became free and you sit at home doing online shopping on an e-commerce website to feel better about yourself.

Chef Bozos: I tried to put Tinder in my shopping basket but it was right swiped away from me by Elon Musk.

CCI: I am not on Tinder, but I understand your Tinder analogy but when you are swiping right almost exclusively on preferred vendors because they pay for your Tinder premium plan, it makes small and medium bachelors feel left out.

CCI assistant: Umm Sir, there is also the issue of the exclusive selling of mobile phones only through their platform. Do you know how many fake accounts I had to create to get that new it-phone for my son? Now, he takes selfies all day ignoring his studies and says he will become a Tiktok star. Sir, may I suggest we go after that platform next?

Chef Bozos: Look, in India people used to buy from Heera Panna earlier where you could get a Blackberry Bold for 8,000 if you were ok with it saying “Blueberry Gold” on the logo. At least we don’t tell people we are selling them a mobile phone and then send them a bar of soap (Smirks in the direction of Skipcart)

Skipcart: (Smiles back at Chef) I hear you were named 2^nd sexiest bachelor in the world…after Elon Musk… and he is not even a bachelor

CCI (rubs forehead): Clearly there is no Lexus between you but a Tesla.

CCI assistant: I’ll be honest. For the longest time I thought Wall mart was a place where you could buy Rahul Dravid merchandise.

CCI: Yes, the man did have a monopoly on the No.3 spot for a long time. Too bad there was no CCI at that time or we would have sent him a notice. He is the Gunda of Indiranagar but I have to deal with the gundas of Koramangala and Malleswaram.

(Puts on Minerva McGonagall glasses of Harry Potter fame). Why is it whenever there is any trouble in the e-commerce markets it’s always you two?

CCI assistant: And don’t forget about the deep discounting sir. I mean it is ok to sell a Rs 100 product for Rs 99. But not when you also have to buy one lot for Rs 299 because the VC’s wife owns that supplier.

CCI: Indeed your deep discounts are what we call predatory pricing.  Just ask my landlord in Mumbai and he will explain to you the meaning of predatory pricing. But you are putting smaller guys out of business using your muscle power.

Skipcart: But sir, our parent country’s government does this all the time. They call it “spreading democracy and liberal values”. That time you don’t complain. You also take Selfies with our leaders from your it-phone...bought from our platform.

Chef Bozos (looks admiringly at Skipcart): That’s a great point. You know what, maybe I might share that Lexus with you after all.

CCI assistant: For the LAST TIME, it’s NEXUS!! But I am happy to let that slide if you both give me a preferred spot for your next sale of the Nexus 12 Mobile phone.

CCI (looks admiringly at assistant): That’s a great point. Maybe I might share that Nexus 12 with you.

CCI assistant: Yes sir, I know very well who is the monopoly in this room.

Chef Bozos: I guess that concludes this investigation. I am bringing my space venture to India. And I will buy ISRO. HAHAHA …Ok. Ok. I know the FDI rules.

Skipcart: Well you are our preferred vendor for our cloud services. Except that it is you who does the preferring because in some ways, you are the real monopoly cloud in the data skies.

Elon Musk tweet: “Just bought ISRO. Lols, Bozos. I guess you are only No.1 on Master Chef USA”