Relationship tips: Gaslighting hijacks your brain by using trust, love and surprise to rewrite your reality

Gaslighting is not just emotional manipulation but a psychological process that exploits how your brains learn from unexpected experiences (Image: Pexels)

Have you ever doubted your memory, even when it felt right? Or felt something was off, but couldn’t explain why, especially when someone you love insists you’re imagining it? That subtle, unsettling confusion is exactly how gaslighting takes hold. A recent study is reframing gaslighting not just as emotional abuse, but as a deeply psychological manipulation that rewires your brain’s learning systems. And it turns out, the smarter and more trusting you are, the more vulnerable you might be.

Science behind emotional manipulation

Gaslighting isn’t just cruelty in disguise. It's a calculated tactic that exploits how our brains learn from the world around us. It works like this: when someone close to you behaves in a way that surprises you, your brain pays attention. Normally, this helps us grow and adapt. But gaslighters weaponise this surprise, slowly leading their targets to doubt their grip on reality.

Also read | Relationship tips: 7 simple ways to strengthen your bond and have a happy marriage

Drip by drip, they plant seeds of confusion, all while making their victim feel “epistemically incompetent”,  that’s a fancy way of saying unsure of what’s real. Over time, this emotional erosion causes victims to question not only events or memories, but their very sense of self. The worst part is, it’s  precisely the people you trust; partners, family, close friends, who are in the best position to pull it off.

According to a study by McGill University and the University of Toronto, gaslighting is not just emotional manipulation but a psychological process that exploits how your brains learn from unexpected experiences, making anyone vulnerable when they place trust in the wrong person.

The study, led by PhD candidate Willis Klein, offers a fresh, science-backed model for understanding gaslighting. Moving beyond old-school psychological theories, the researchers turned to how your brain predicts and processes surprise, a concept known as prediction error minimisation (PEM).

This system is what usually helps you learn from unexpected situations. But when someone you love acts strangely and then tells you, you are the problem, PEM turns inward. You start learning the wrong lesson, that you can’t trust yourself. Klein and his team, including Professor Jennifer Bartz and Suzanne Wood, argue that gaslighting doesn’t require a “weak” or “naive” victim. On the contrary, it preys on healthy human traits like trust, love, and the way you rely on others to understand the world. In fact, anyone who cares deeply for the wrong person could fall into this mental trap.

While the model doesn’t yet predict exactly who is most vulnerable, the researchers suspect attachment styles and past trauma might play a role. And with further research, they hope this model could lead to better support and protection for those affected.

Also read | Relationship advice for couples: 7 tips to resolve emotional disputes with your partner

Trust, love and the terrifying power of surprise

"When you trust or you love somebody, you expect them to behave in a particular way," Klein explains. “Gaslighters behave in a surprising way, and then use that surprise to rewire how you see reality.” It’s not madness. It’s not weakness. It’s a hijacking of the very system your brain uses to learn and survive. It’s a deeply human vulnerability, and one everyone needs to understand, says study.

FAQs on What is Gaslighting

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where a person makes someone doubt their own memories, perceptions, and reality. It often involves making the victim feel confused or questioning their sense of self.

How does gaslighting affect the brain?

Gaslighting exploits the brain's learning systems by using unexpected behaviors to create confusion. This manipulation makes the victim doubt their own experiences and trust in their reality, leading to a deep psychological impact.

Who can be a victim of gaslighting?

Anyone can fall victim to gaslighting, especially those who are trusting and intelligent. It preys on healthy human traits like love and trust, making it possible for close relationships to become manipulative.

What is the science behind gaslighting?

Gaslighting involves prediction error minimisation (PEM), a concept where the brain processes unexpected situations. When someone you trust behaves oddly and blames you, PEM turns inward, leading you to doubt yourself.

How can someone protect themselves from gaslighting?

Being aware of gaslighting and understanding its signs is crucial. Trust your instincts and seek support from trusted individuals or professionals if you feel manipulated or unsure about your reality.

Disclaimer: This article, including health and fitness advice, only provides generic information. Don’t treat it as a substitute for qualified medical opinion. Always consult a specialist for a specific health diagnosis.