My Family and Other Globalizers | Shrinking the confidence gap

Studies have consistently shown men to have a greater self-worth professionally than women. (Photo by Christina Wocintechchat via Unsplash)

Note to readers: My Family and Other Globalizers is a weekly parenting column on bringing up global citizens.

That moment when you discover that you are growing a baby inside of you is rarely one of unalloyed joy. It is invariably accompanied by myriad worries, both financial and emotional. And chief among this smorgasbord of apprehensions is announcing your good news to your boss, for whom its usually less good news.

I was always acutely aware of the extra expense my maternity would entail for my employers. I abhorred descriptions of women as the “weaker sex,” and yet I was weakened by my pregnancies and the unending nausea they engendered. So how could I be expected to be treated on par with my male colleagues who suffered no such afflictions? My getting pregnant felt like letting down the team at work.

I’d doubled my efforts at the desk, fought the nausea even when whimpering with exhaustion. I’d travelled, interviewed, and filed stories non-stop, fuelled by the anxiety of the potential toll that my pregnancy might take on my job. I’d felt ridiculously grateful for the three months of maternity leave I was able to negotiate, despite being a freelancer.

It was only later, after I came across The Confidence Gap, an article by journalists Katty Kay and Claire Shipman in The Atlantic magazine, that I first considered that perhaps something else had also been at play during the months I’d wrestled with pregnancy-related professional guilt: my gender. It is possible that I would have felt much less of the confounding complex of apology, anxiety and gratitude for my three months of maternity leave, had I been a man.

Men impregnate rather than become pregnant themselves, but what spoke to me in the article was how studies have consistently shown men to have a greater self-worth professionally than women. The authors’ research concluded that while men and women do not differ, on average, when it comes to their workplace performance, men consistently overestimate their abilities and performance, while women underestimate both.

Women don’t consider themselves as ready for promotions and they predict they’ll do worse on tests. They negotiate lower salaries, believing that they deserve to earn less than what men of equivalent competence and skills hold to be true about themselves.

The article references a study by Hewlett-Packard where a review of personnel records found that women tended to apply for a promotion only if they believed themselves to meet 100 percent of the qualifications listed for the job. Men, however, jumped to apply even when they thought they could meet about 60 percent of the requirements.

I was put in mind of countless discussions I’d had with my spouse, Julio, over the years. He was always brimming with ideas and possibilities: moving to China, writing books, applying for jobs. I, on the other hand, was the worrywart, pointing out the obstacles along the way.

While we were still at university, Julio had decided he wanted to live in Beijing. He’d found applications open for paid internships in China funded by the European Union. Although he’d met several of the application criteria, I’d been quick to point out that he had no work experience, although it was clearly mentioned that at least two years of professional experience was needed. Julio had breezily reasoned that various summer jobs he’d done while at university were enough. I would not have applied for that internship on the basis of Julio’s qualifications. Yet, Julio did. And he got it, which allowed him to move to China, for me to follow, and for the rest of our history together to materialize.

It was Julio who had insisted I write a book, even as I hesitated, unsure I had sufficient authority. He was not only more confident in himself than I was in me, but also more confident in me than I was in myself. Whenever I expressed fears about the professional implications of my pregnancy, he hushed them away. Even as I worried that I was being paid too much for what I could deliver as a pregnant mother of a toddler, he insisted that my salary made no dent at all in a big newspaper’s budget.

Kay and Shipman are at pains to explain that the female tendency towards professional under-confidence can be unlearnt through practice and policy. I agree. After all I had negotiated maternity leave despite the embarrassment and guilt I had felt while doing so. But it did seem a far more draining experience for me to ask for “my due” professionally than it ever was for Julio.

What’s clear is that women need more practice at valuing themselves more. And perhaps, men should tone down their tendency to self-promotion a tad, too.