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The Funnycontrol Awards: Oscars for Financial Actors

Full disclosure: Funnycontrol anchors were unfortunately not allowed to participate in this award due to conflict of interest.

March 29, 2022 / 12:14 PM IST
Welcome to The Funnycontrol Awards ceremony, at the Foaley Theater. (Image: Dominik Vanyi via Unsplash)

Welcome to The Funnycontrol Awards ceremony, at the Foaley Theater. (Image: Dominik Vanyi via Unsplash)

Let’s welcome our host Swiss Rock.  Who is most well known for hosting the annual World Econo Comic Forum (WECF) in Davos.

Host: Hi guys, you may know me from hosting the WECF in Davos...which sounds like a lot like divorce. Hahahahaha. (Silence in the room as news of another Swiss Bank being investigated)

I welcome you to the Funnycontrol Awards, or as we call it, the Oscars for Financial Actors. Let’s look at some of the awards categories for this year

The Best Animated Short Film: There were many contenders for this, with children’s movies which were needlessly given adult certificates by the markets. Perhaps they took a leaf out of ratings agencies that would have given Deewani Housing an IMDB rating of 10. The winner, after careful consideration, was Playtm for playing with investors like children. It also won the “Curious case of Benjamin Button award” as its valuation went from an old experienced man to a child on Instagram. We were hoping the founder of Playtm would be here to collect the award, but unfortunately he is being played by a whole different set of actors.

Best Sound Award:  The world heard many interesting sounds being played this year, mainly after pressing a red button. But the best sound was the sound of business news anchors after realizing they had been mis-led by the noise created by their own sounds. The jury found it difficult to pick any one sound and declared all business anchors equally deserved to win this award with loud claps on their backs…to begin with.

Funnycontrol anchors were unfortunately not allowed to participate in this award due to conflict of interest. However, there will always be interest in a conflict. Which brings us to the next segment:

The Shark Thanks Award:  The Shark thanks award is a token of thanks given to a shark who provided plenty of entertainment for the financial masses. While some of the movies had to be rated “Ashleel” due to the nature of the content,  it was one of the best impressions of Gulshan Grover as a villain going “Dulhan Ki Bidaai Ka Waqt Badalna Hai”. Last heard, he has physically mutated into a shark, so any VC investors who went shark hunting, we suggest you watch your feet... (Jaws theme music plays in the background)

The Best Supporting Actor - Male: Is given to someone who takes the blame for the main actor in a game of financial re-acting.  The best male supporting actor goes to the person identified by the Comedy Bureau of Investigation as the spiritual guru-in-chief at the National Spiritual Exchange of India (NSEI). Like Rahul Dravid in most partnerships, he will take the hits while the Guru of the Match award is taken by someone else.  Which brings us to the next category:

The Best Supporting Actor - Female:  This award goes to the former CEO of the NSEI, Citraa Llama Krishnan. For providing spiritual support in the form of wine and spirits to the Actor behind the scenes, the director behind the camera, Mr Rig Yajur Suma himself. We love your on Citraa (Anchor winks at audience and everyone laughs, except equity analysts).

….At this point, there's pandemonium as Mr Rig Yajur Suma (RYS), suddenly appears in a cloud of smoke with supporting background music. Cheerleaders from the Supari Exchange Board of India dance to the IPL tune waving white LED agarbattis in the air and chanting “Oh guru! You make my spiritual rating AAA+”. RYS rushes to the podium and punches Swiss Rock in the face shouting “Keep my Citraa’s name out of your D-rated mouth”.

Swiss Rock brilliantly recovers, having received his comedy training from no one less than the author of this column himself (this obviously fake and inflated sentence  may be removed by the editor if she thinks the funny is getting out of control).

Ok guys, I am back. On that note, I am pleased to announce that the Best Actor (Male) award for this year goes to Mr Rig Yajur Suma. For he has also shown me the spiritual path to salvation is not through comedy but through crypto. I will be investing in his Spiritual Coin Exchange, and so should you. For more information on the offer documents, write to the former Spiritual Poet of the NSEI, Mr Kavi Narain @outlook.cbi

The Best Actor - Female: The award goes to someone who identifies as the Headliner in Financial Comedy. The country’s Frynance Minister, for her epic roles in movies like Budget 2020 and the sequel, gangs of BKC part 2.

And finally the moment we have all been waiting for:

The Best Film: Now, there were many films played this year in the markets. From once-bitten-but-twice-shy coin, to once Biden but twice why in Afghanistan. But as they say, you can take a Russian out of Russia, but you can’t take a Russian out of Ukraine. This year’s Best Financial Film Award goes to the war between a standup comedian and an out of work actor. The jury was struggling to tell the difference. So the joint award goes to all the other spiritual actors acting behind the scenes to profit from the war. You may want to stock up on film reels for next year’s Financial Oscars, as I hear there is a commodity shortage. But don’t worry. Integrity is a commodity that will always be available for sale in the financial markets.

My name is Swiss Rock and you’ve been a wonderful audience. See you again after the fourth wave... of Federal Reserve actors.

The author is an investment banker turned corporate comedian, because why not?

Vikram Poddar is an ex-investment banker turned comedian. He tweets @BoredRoomComedy
first published: Mar 29, 2022 10:12 am