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The Funnycontrol Awards: Oscars for financial actors

The Funnycontrol Awards or as we call it Oscars for financial actors like Vijay Mallya, Nirav Modi, or business news anchors. Let’s look at some of the award categories for this year.

March 28, 2022 / 06:07 PM IST
Representational Image

Representational Image

Let’s welcome our host Swiss Rock. Who is most well known for hosting the annual World Econo Comic Forum in Davos.

Host: Hi guys, you may know me from hosting the WECF in Davos..which sounds like a lot like divorce. Hahahahaha. (Silence in the room as news of another Swiss Bank being investigated spreads)

I welcome you to the Funnycontrol Awards or as we call it Oscars for financial actors like Vijay Mallya, Nirav Modi or business news anchors. Let’s look at some of the award categories for this year

Best Animated Short Film: There were many contenders for this with children’s movies that were needlessly given adult certificates by the markets. Perhaps they took a leaf out of rating agencies who would have given Deewani Housing an IMDB rating of 10. The winner after careful consideration was Playtm for playing with investors like children. It also won the “Curious case of Benjamin Button award” as its valuation went from an old experienced man to a child on Instagram. We were hoping the founder of Playtm would be here to collect the award, but unfortunately, he is being played by a whole different set of actors.

Best Sound Award: The world saw many interesting sounds being played this year, mainly after pressing a red button. But the best sound was the sound of business news anchors after realizing they had been misled by the noise created by their own sounds. The jury found it difficult to pick any one sound and declared that all business anchors equally deserved to win this award with loud claps on their backs…to begin with.

Close

Funnycontrol anchors were unfortunately not allowed to participate in this award due to a conflict of interest. However, there will always be interest in a conflict. Which brings us to the next segment:

The Shark Thanks Award: The Shark Thanks award is a token of thanks given to a shark who provided plenty of entertainment for the financial masses. While some of the movies had to be rated “Ashleel” due to the nature of the content, it was one of the best impressions of Gulshan Grover as a villain going “Dulhan Ki Bidaai Ka Waqt Badalna Hai”. Last heard, he has physically mutated into a shark, so any VC investors who went shark hunting, we suggest you watch your feet.. (Jaws theme music plays in the background)

Best Male Supporting Actor: Is given to someone who takes the blame for the main actor in a game of financial reacting. The best male supporting actor goes to the person identified by the Comedy Bureau of Investigation as the spiritual guru in chief at the National Spiritual Exchange of India (NSEI). Like Rahul Dravid in most partnerships, he will take the hits while the Guru of the Match award is taken by someone else. Which brings us to the next category.

The Best Female Supporting Actor: This award goes to the former CEO of the NSEI, Citra Llama Krishnan. For providing spiritual support in the form of wine and spirits to the Actor behind the scenes, the director behind the camera, Mr Rig Yajur Suma himself. We love your @outlook.com on Citra (Anchor winks at the audience and everyone laughs, except equity analysts).

….At this point, pandemonium breaks out into the crowd as Mr Rig Yajur Suma (RYS), suddenly appears in a cloud of smoke with supporting background music. Cheerleaders from the Supari Exchange Board of India dance to the IPL tune waving white LED agarbattis in the air and chanting “Oh guru! You make my spiritual rating AAA+”. Mr RYS rushes to the podium and punches Swiss Rock in the face shouting “Keep my Citra’s name out of your D-rated mouth”

Swiss Rock brilliantly recovers, having received his comedy training from no one less than the author of this column itself (This obviously fake and inflated sentence may be removed by the editor if she thinks the funny is getting out of control).

Ok guys I am back. On that note, I am pleased to announce that the best Male Actor Award for this year goes to Mr Rig Yajur Suma himself. For he has also shown me the spiritual path to salvation is not through comedy but through crypto. I will be investing in his Spiritual Coin Exchange and so should you. For more information on the offer documents, write to the former Spiritual Poet of the NSEI, Mr Kavi Narain @outlook.cbi

And finally the moment, we have all been waiting for. 

Best Film. Now there were many films played this year in the markets. From once-bitten-but-twice-shy coin, to once Biden but twice why in Afghanistan. But as they say, you can take a Russian out of Russia, but you can’t take a Russian out of Ukraine. This year’s Best Financial Film Award goes to the war between a stand-up comedian and an out-of-work actor. The jury was struggling to tell the difference. So the joint award goes to all the other spiritual actors acting behind the scenes to profit from the war. You may want to stock up on film reels for next year’s Financial Oscars as I hear there is a commodity shortage. But don’t worry. Integrity is a commodity that will always be available for sale in the financial markets.

My name is Swiss Rock and you’ve been a wonderful audience. See you again after the fourth wave...of Federal Reserve actors.



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Vikram Poddar is an ex-investment banker turned comedian. He tweets @BoredRoomComedy
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