Book extract: Be your own leadership coach

Conscious leadership is impactful leadership.

Karen Stein is an experienced professional certified executive coach and partner of Deloitte, where she has assisted senior leaders with attaining their professional goals for the past 25 years. With over 2,000 one-on-one coaching hours, Karen has a unique perspective on the intersection of coaching psychology (obtained through her Master of Science in Coaching Psychology) and lived leadership experience. Karen appears as a guest speaker on podcasts, presents at keynotes and writes and shares articles with her network.

Self-help books at the best of times are repositories of common sense and wisdom, but it is the personal touch of the self-help mentor that makes all the difference. While reading Be Your Own Leadership Coach it was clear that Karen Stein was keenly interested in encouraging individuals to empower themselves. Short of saying “pull yourself up by the bootstraps”, she had couched her learnings with a kind grace. Built on evidence-based positive psychology, lived leadership experience and over 2000 hours of one-on-one coaching, it is a one-stop shop for leaders to drive their own professional development and lead as their best selves – anytime, anywhere. Her chapter headings say it all: Leading as you, Setting your goals, Being motivated, Leading with self-awareness, Managing your time, Managing your energy, Building your personal board of directors, Exploring your leadership impact, Empowering your team, The best leaders listen, Conscious communication, and Leading with kindness. The regular mantras such as learning to say no, be a good listener, be compassionate, alter your mindset, and learn to adjust your eye-contact and body language if you wish to have a long lasting impact are repeated in this book too, but in Karen Stein’s inimitable way.

Read Be Your Own Leadership Coach: Self-Coaching Strategies to Lead Your Way and perhaps consider doing some of the practices that she has included in the text?

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Introduction

‘Tell me, why should I read this book?’ This is a question I’ve been asked many times as I’ve shared my excitement about getting ink on the page. What is the problem my reader might be trying to resolve, and how might this book help them?

During your leadership journey you have likely considered the type of leader you want to be. What impact would you like to have, and how will you achieve this? You probably want to be the best leader you can be and have a positive impact on others (and yourself). However, no one has told you how to do this. You may be concerned that you should know what to do, you should know how to lead. Yet it’s not that simple. You don’t know what you don’t know, but you must work it out if you’re to become a confident, empowered and impactful leader.

You may feel a little anxious or vulnerable in this space. Many leaders seek outside support to help them manage this. Leadership coaching is a powerful medium to generate exploration and self-discovery. It allows for learning and growth with the creation of new knowledge, insights and understanding. When you engage with a coach you are entering a safe space where you can consider how to develop the skills, behaviours, emotions and thoughts that will support your achievement of professional goals. I provide those I coach with this judgement-free space where they can consider options to work towards success, navigate obstacles and form new insights.

Inevitably, though, coaching sessions last for a finite period. What happens once the coaching comes to an end? What happens when you can’t access a coach in the moment you need one? What if you can’t access coaching at all for financial or practical reasons? How do you support yourself? This is where you need to become your best coach. It’s where I – and this book – can help you!

In this book I present 12 practices to be your best coach. Within these pages you’ll discover when to use each practice and the value each brings. You’ll be equipped to lead your way: in support of your- self and in support of others.

Your leadership will evolve over time, and the trajectory of your success will rise when you invest in yourself. By mindfully engaging in self-coaching using the strategies in this book, you’ll learn to pay attention to the impact you’re having on yourself and others. You will become more intentional and deliberate in how you lead. You will build your self-awareness and sense of self so you are better able to make informed choices as to how you achieve your leadership impact. You will notice more about yourself. You will empower yourself to draw on coaching strategies in the moment as your leadership requires this of you. You will become more autonomous, more responsive, more confident and more informed. All of this will assist you with leading your way, with impact, as your best self.

Leadership is not a title

Before we unpack the concept of self-coaching, let’s take a look at what it actually means to lead. Most of our conversations around leadership in a professional context tend to focus on the efficacy of a particular leader: ‘My CEO is awesome. She is an exceptional leader,’ or, ‘Our Managing Director is not much of a leader.’

We often reference leaders in positions of power: the C-suite, management, operations or business unit leaders. We use titles to recognise leadership. We talk of people being leaders based on their role description or where they sit in an organisational structure. We send executives on leadership courses to build their leadership skills, and we train experienced hires to become leaders. We seek promotions so we can attain leadership positions, badging ourselves as chiefs, officers, presidents and directors, high up in the organizational pecking order.

These corporate leadership positions have titles that originated deep in the history of power and authority. From the military world of generals and officers to the political world of presidents and vice presidents, these titles bestow high esteem and denote those who require followers to succeed. A chief is defined as ‘the head or leader of a body of people; the person highest in authority’.

The ‘organisational chief ’ concept is growing. Google searches reveal a plethora of ‘chief ’ titles including Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Controller, Chief Operating Officer, Chief Human Resources Officer, Chief Marketing Officer, Chief Digital Officer and – my personal favourite – Chief Happiness Officer. The possibilities for leadership roles seem only to be growing!

A common view of leadership is that it lives only in the heights of organisations, where those in the know, or those with significant tenure and experience, are placed into positions of leadership. What we often overlook is that leadership is not limited to positional leadership. We are all leaders, regardless of our position.

Leadership is an act, a practice, a set of behaviours that can be adopted at all stages of life and in any situation. It is a culmination of who you are and who you have become. It’s present at every step throughout your working life.

Leading yourself to lead others

Leadership can be hard. You must take a thoughtful approach to acknowledge and manage the many thoughts and emotions that arise along the way. You might get in your own way, overthink or over- complicate things, or lose your confidence. You might rely on your instincts to guide you, yet not notice how your perspective is distorted. You might overlook feedback, move on too quickly and not realise how you have affected others until it is too late. You might make time for everyone besides yourself and be too busy to stop, reflect and notice what’s happening.

Consider too the world we live in, the system in which you form a part. During your leadership journey you will grapple with volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity on a global, local and micro scale. Filling your virtual backpack with self-coaching strategies will enable you to better respond to the ever-changing systems surrounding you. Systems theorists tell us that a linear leadership path is unlikely to be found in the future; rather, your leadership path will be revealed as you experience the changing dynamics and what emerges.

With this in mind, it is okay to feel somewhat concerned about how to be the best leader you can be. Leading in a volatile system can require big thinking. But it’s so worth it! The system you belong to is not straightforward or programmatic. Your experience of it may feel uncomfortable and awkward, unpredictable and unscripted. Success will require you to heighten your awareness as to what is possible and what you can influence, and the likely consequences (intended and unintended) of the leadership decisions you make. Despite the challenges, leading in this environment can be exciting, stimulating and engaging.

Achieving leadership success in an ever-changing world requires you to lead yourself well. Leading yourself is a process of learning to honour your values, utilise your strengths and fulfil your purpose.

You lead yourself to design goals, fulfil goals and change your goals. You lead yourself by choosing priorities and making choices that move you closer to the outcomes you want and away from outcomes you don’t. You lead yourself to have an impact and to find fulfilment so you can live a purposeful, meaningful life. You lead your way.

Your personal leadership may require refinement and development. At times you may struggle to lead yourself appropriately. You may ignore your shortcomings or overlook development opportunities.

You may lack self-awareness and perspective. You may wonder how you can better your self-leadership to allow you to make better choices, be more fulfilled and have greater meaning and impact in what you select to do.

Once you coach yourself to build and widen your perspective, enter into quality communication and dialogue, seek feedback and grow your self-awareness, you will be better placed to have the impact you want. You will have what you need to advance, empower, grow, influence and support others. How you do so will be reflective of you. You will need to be aware of how you refine your leadership skills as you lead others. You will need to focus on your visibility, how you are perceived and your behaviour towards others so you can build trust. You will need to consider how you communicate and listen as you engage with others and lead your way.

Once you adopt the 12 practices and related strategies outlined in this book, you will have instant access to a new repertoire of skills, behaviours, emotions and thoughts to support you. You will have found your leadership coach – in yourself.

Becoming an impactful leader

If you want to be the best leader you can be, you must consider the impact you want to have on others and for yourself. Sheryl Sandberg, quoting Harvard Business School Professor Frances Frei, said,

‘Leadership is about making others better as a result of your presence and making sure that impact lasts in your absence.’ The essence of this quote is that leadership requires your presence beyond your physical form. Your leadership presence is shaped by how you make people feel, what they hear from you and what they see you do. This presence has an enduring impact that lasts in your absence.

Your leadership impact is the impression you make that inspires and motivates others to be their best selves. It’s the perception you create to generate optimism and hope. It’s the positive effect you have on others through your role modelling of behaviours, emotions and thoughts. It’s building confidence and commitment in others. It’s your ability to make people feel like they truly matter. To understand and support those around you requires empathy and compassion, as well as listening skills to learn and consider new and diverse perspectives. An impactful leader utilises open and courageous communication to share their vision and a common purpose, embrace innovation and creativity, delineate goals and priorities, and include and collaborate.

This may sound overwhelming; however, it is only when you leave it to chance, fate or destiny that it is so. To have this leadership impact, this enduring presence, relies on you first leading yourself. The more that you become conscious of how you see yourself and how you behave, think and feel, the easier it will be to determine and influence how you impact others.

Conscious leadership is impactful leadership. As a conscious leader, you are aware of how you engage with others, you notice how you make them feel and, as a result, you build trust and strong relationships. It’s even better when you notice how you behave, how you feel and how you think. When you’re attuned to your behaviours, emotions and thoughts, you’re better placed to recognise which of these you want to draw upon or alter to help you achieve your intended impact. You will become more mindful of the choices you can make to support your leadership.

When approached with a mindful stance, leadership can be energising, fulfilling, challenging and rewarding. Adopting self-coaching strategies will support you in bringing your best self forward as a leader. You can then lead others and have your desired impact.

You’re sure to be familiar with the notion of applying your own oxygen mask before helping others around you. It’s the same with leadership. The greater your ability to lead yourself, the more impactful you are likely to be when leading others. When you support yourself you are building your leadership core: the strength and courage to lead from within as your authentic self, which can then be utilised to lead others. This is how you will build your leadership impact, and it will be advanced as you utilise self-coaching strategies.

The magic of self-coaching

When my former coachee, Nell, emailed me it had been more than 12 months since our last scheduled coaching session. We hadn’t had much contact since, but I have always encouraged my coachees to contact me should they need additional support. My eyes flashed across Nell’s email in anticipation as I wondered what support she might require. My instincts told me there may be a number of areas in which she may be seeking support. I reflected on the numerous conversations in which we had explored solutions to leadership issues she was experiencing. During my time working with Nell, she experimented with and learnt from the strategies we discussed while building her self-awareness around her communication style. We had concluded our last scheduled session by identifying the areas in which she intended to further grow and develop.

As I returned my attention to Nell’s email my heart warmed and my smile grew. I was delighted to read that Nell had experienced several leadership choice points, as I like to call them: moments when she made a significant decision that would impact her and her team. Rather than seeking me out for additional coaching, she was proudly sharing how she had drawn on her self-coaching strategies to support herself. During our time working together we had filled her virtual backpack with self-coaching strategies to steer her through moments like these. She had mastered the art of reaching into her backpack and selecting the appropriate strategy to utilise to be her best self and achieve her desired leadership impact.

Nell wrote about how she had practised self-reflection, preparation, deliberation and consultation with others. She shared feedback from her team that reflected their gratitude and high regard for her in supporting them through difficult times. Best of all, she felt empowered in herself. I could feel her success radiating through the email. She had led herself, she had led others and she had had a positive leadership impact – enduring beyond her presence with her team.

My intention with this book is to help you build your skills in self-coaching, just as I did with Nell. Self-coaching is a skill that requires practice and attention. It is not something you try on and have it fit comfortably the first time. It requires reflection, consideration and adjustment to best suit your needs.

Of course, you can also engage an experienced and well-qualified external coach to support your self-coaching if that option is available to you. This is the approach my coachee Nell, and many others like her, have taken. My book is intended to guide you to build your own self-coaching skills, which can then be supplemented with support from a qualified coach to enhance your discovery of alternative perspectives, reflections and insights.

The more that you invest in yourself – through both self-coaching and external coaching – the more you’ll be supported to better understand your assumptions, reactions, beliefs and behaviours, and the more comfortably you will lead as your best self.

The benefits of self-coaching are many:

•          You will be less reliant on hindsight to teach you and correct your ways. Instead, you will use foresight to make considered decisions about how you lead.

•          As you become more connected with your choices and responses, you will truly experience more of your leadership. I refer to this as being a leader, rather than just doing leadership.

•          You will become more empowered, confident and reflective. You will be more attentive to your potential as you grow and develop through self-coaching.

•          You will learn more about yourself. You’ll learn about what you do well and what might require further development. You’ll learn what engages and excites you, and what drags you down. You’ll learn how to solve issues and lean into challenges, and when to seek support from others. You will get to know yourself even better than you do now.

•          You’ll learn to respond faster. Once you have mastered the self-coaching strategies, you’ll be more adept at drawing on them more readily. You’ll know where to find them in your backpack and will keep your favourite strategies near the top!

•          Your learnings will ripple to your team, clients, customers, family and friends. You will positively impact others with your heightened understanding of yourself and your leadership impact. You will make this world a better place.

Self-coaching requires some things from you:

•          Self-reflection: You will need to make time to draw your attention to how you are behaving, thinking or feeling in a given situation. This requires you to observe yourself objectively as an outsider might.

•          Self-assessment: After reflecting, you will need to assess what is helping you and what is hindering you in relation to your objective. Which of your identified behaviours, emotions and thoughts are helpful and which are less so in this moment? Which alternative behaviours, emotions and thoughts could better assist you at this time, and what might that look like? What patterns are you noticing that are becoming more evident through ongoing self-assessment? What questions can you ask of yourself to alter your perspective and gain new insights?

•          Experimentation and learning: Which self-coaching strategies can you put into play to assist you? What might you pull out of your backpack to support you in this moment? Your experimentation and learning can be transformational.

•          Further reflection and action: What are you noticing of yourself and others as a result of your self-coaching strategy? How is it advancing you towards your positive leadership impact? What might you do more of or less of?

•          Practice: To move from a novice to mastery-level leader, you will need to practise your self-coaching strategies to improve, grow and develop. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen with practice. This is what will help you lead yourself, lead with others and have the leadership impact you are seeking.

Self-coaching will help you move from uncertainty, hesitation and regret to growth, confidence and impact (see Figure 2).

The process of self-coaching requires you to refrain from leading on autopilot. Rather, you must become connected with your own sense of self as a leader. As you work through the practices you will refine and shape your leadership so you feel most comfortable with how you lead and what you represent. You will soon recognise more leadership choice points and become more accountable and responsible for your own behaviours, emotions and thoughts.

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Managing your energy

Many corporate leaders I coach reveal how depleted they feel. They are working long and hard each week, with little time for themselves. Their virtual battery packs tend to run them through to the weekend, when they then plug themselves back in to recharge for the following week.

Too often I have coaching conversations with leaders who are rundown and fatigued and unsure how they can sustain this way of life.

There is no question that this presents a significant life challenge for many. How can you expect to live a fulfilled and engaged life when you are maintaining a baseline of depletion and exhaustion? How can you possibly lead your way as your best self in this state? The best leaders focus on managing their energy stores to avoid depletion. Ada was one such leader. She recognised that she needed to look after her energy so she could lead as her best self. For her to perform in her role, she needed to be in tune with her physical and mental wellbeing and make regular adjustments to rebalance as required. Rather than letting herself move towards a physically or mentally depleted state, Ada built rituals into her day and week to support her wellbeing. These rituals helped maintain her energy state to enable sustained performance.

Ada adopted this approach following one of our coaching sessions when I introduced her to a  fabulous study by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz. The Harvard Business Review article I shared with her compared a sporting athlete preparing themselves for peak performance with a leader working in a corporation. In the article, Loehr and Schwartz describe what can be achieved when we increase our own self-awareness and approach to our working life by focusing on four components.

Loehr and Schwartz’s model suggests that to achieve an ideal performance state we need to move regularly between different levels of energy to avoid energy depletion and burnout. We must move from energy expenditure to energy renewal, from stress to recovery. Learning to regularly oscillate between different states of energy enhances performance. Physical, emotional, mental and spiritual capacity can all be recovered by incorporating rituals and habits that are intentionally scheduled and practised. Rather than waiting until the end of the working week to re-energise, you can adopt rituals during each day that support you in reaching your ideal performance state. You can plan to recover your energy across the day to keep you sustained and firing, allowing you to maintain your physical and mental wellbeing and better lead your way.

Rituals should be developed against all four components: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual capacity. Adopting these rituals as part of your self-coaching strategy will support you in managing your energy and leading as your best self. Let’s take a look at each component in detail.

Physical capacity

Your endurance and recovery relies on your body as your energy source. Maintaining your physical capacity promotes physical and emotional recovery, aiding energy renewal and improving your performance.

Designing daily rituals for the following three key constituent parts (and self-coaching against them) will build your physical capacity and wellbeing.

Nutrition

Regular nutritious meals and healthy snacks will fuel your energy source. Prepare some healthy snacks that you can readily access during the day, such as fruits and vegetables, a handful of almonds, a yoghurt, and dips such as hummus or avocado and crackers. As nice as sugary treats can be, they tend to quickly inflate and then drop your insulin levels, causing fatigue. Biscuits, sweets and chocolates might feel like a short-term fix for fatigue, but overindulgence may create other health issues such as weight gain, blood pressure issues and diabetes over time.

My coachee Ada recognised that she was skipping meals and living on coffee. Too many leaders overlook their nutritional requirements in this way. Just as your car requires petrol and oil to function (or maybe electricity if you’ve managed to buy an electric vehicle!), your body requires healthy food to perform at its best.

Sleep

Many studies have demonstrated the positive impact of regular patterns of at least eight hours of sleep per night. Be aware of your sleep bank and notice if you have made too many withdrawals. Studies show that 42 per cent of leaders only have six or fewer hours of sleep per night. This means many leaders are operating in a less-than-productive state, with the ripple effect impacting their teams and others around them. Being fatigued can result in mood swings, reduced memory and absorbing information at a slower pace. This is not a preferred state to lead your way. Getting enough sleep is the most obvious way to tackle fatigue and build up your energy.

Build some rituals to prepare yourself for sleep, such as disconnecting from technology at least an hour before you intend to sleep (and leaving your phone outside your bedroom), monitoring the temperature of your room (16 to 18 degrees Celsius is said to be a preferable sleeping temperature), creating a darkened room to relax the body through the release of melatonin and selecting a time to sleep that allows you to sleep for around eight hours per night.

Building your sleep routine will renew your energy and better support your capacity for schematic thinking, memory functioning and interpersonal responses, which will increase your overall performance.

Exercise

Engaging in regular exercise is shown to increase physical and mental energy. The definition of ‘regular’ differs for us all, but it is suggested that 30-minute sessions of moderate-intensity cardiovascular exercise five days per week coupled with two sessions of strength training each week can support a healthy lifestyle – and, of course, renew your energy levels.

Exercising in ‘green space’ has additional health benefits, including an increase in wellbeing, changes to your attentional focus helping to reduce stress, and savouring of the environment, which increases your positive emotions.

Fatigue may be reduced by taking short breaks throughout your working day. Moving yourself away from your desk allows for energy replenishment and a change in focus. This can reinvigorate your capacity to focus on your return to work and reduce feelings of fatigue.

Ada took regular ten-minute breaks in which she walked around the office, her home or outside, or did some stretches. We referred to these as ‘exercise snacks’! You might find other reasons to get away from your desk, such as refilling your water bottle to stay hydrated. It’s about building in a ritual of changing your physical state and altering your attentional focus, which supports your wellbeing.

Emotional capacity

You are a human as well as a leader. It sounds obvious, doesn’t it? Yet too many leaders forget that as human beings they will experience the ups and downs of emotions throughout their lives, let alone their weeks. Different environmental issues might trigger certain emotions. Understanding how to support your emotional state can sustain your leadership.

Your emotions create an internal climate that drives your performance state. Feelings of optimism, engagement, calm, excitement, hope, confidence and courage can increase your positive energy stores. Additional positive experiences can broaden your creativity, curiosity, playfulness and ability to create innovative solutions to challenging problems.

On the other hand, feelings of worry, stress, anxiousness, depression, frustration, anger and disillusion can deplete energy stores. This can narrow your focus of attention, making it more difficult to resolve issues.

Ada and I worked through several rituals to assist her with building her emotional capacity. Let’s take a look at them.

Noticing, naming and acting on emotions

This self-coaching strategy requires mindful attention to your emotional state. Notice what is triggering your emotional response. Name the emotion. Accept that the emotion is present and choose to respond in a way that supports your desired emotional state. Don’t let your emotions take you to an outcome you don’t desire. It is often suggested that we need to deal with negative emotions and move on from them quickly; but sometimes our emotions are actually energising and supporting us. The Dalai Lama frames this well:

Feeling angry can, in the short term, make our minds more focused and give us an extra burst of energy and determination. However, when anger extends beyond this practical function most of the energy it brings us is not helpful.

Reflect on what tends to trigger your emotional state and practise this approach for self-support. Your mindful attention to your emotions and the choices you make in response can make a difference to your energy state.

For example, Ada noticed that she was often triggered by a certain colleague’s continued questioning of her. She was able to name her emotion, stating it as frustration. She accepted that this was coming up for her in these moments. She chose to be curious and ask her colleague why her actions were concerning him. She used the negative emotion of frustration to focus her attention, and then chose to alter her mental state to one of curiosity. As Ada explained, moving from frustrated to curious helped her shift her mindset and emotional state, which supported her to respond in a more energy-affirming way. A further self-coaching strategy is to question whether your current emotions and energy levels match your intended activity.

For example, if you are feeling zestful and enthusiastic with high energy, consider whether this matches your intention to engage in deep, focused thought. Is now the best time to author a considered piece of thought leadership, or would you be better off engaging in a high-energy activity, such as networking, which would allow you to channel your energy accordingly?

Pausing to check in on your emotional energy levels will allow you to make informed choices around your leadership activities.

Consider the stories you are telling yourself

We spoke about the stories we tell ourselves in Practice 4. These stories also impact our energy, so it’s important to actively select the stories you choose to listen to. Is it positive self-talk or negative self-talk?

Ada discovered that she often told herself she wasn’t good enough and wasn’t the right person for the job. Together we practised positive self-talk, where she reframed her mental position whenever those thoughts arose. Ada altered her story and repeated to herself: ‘You are well qualified for this job and learning every day. You add value to your team and clients.’ She found this came easily to her after some practice, and the ritual helped her balance her emotions. Speaking to herself in the second person also supported her confidence and feelings of hope and optimism, as she spoke to herself as a coach or mentor would. She was able to stand outside of herself and offer support and wisdom.

Take note of the language you use and think about how you are feeding your story with negative language. I like to reference this old parable as a useful way to conceptualise this:

A grandfather is telling his grandson a story.

‘Grandson, there are two wolves which fight within us, and these same wolves fight within all of us.

‘The first wolf is mean, frustrated, angry, sad and hostile. He is sceptical, demeaning and pessimistic.

‘The second wolf is kind, calm and considered. He is optimistic,caring and compassionate.’

‘Which wolf wins?’ the grandson asks.

‘The one you feed’, he answers.

Give your dog a cuddle

Studies have shown that pet ownership can lead to better psychological wellbeing, lower rates of depression and stress, and increased self-esteem. Who would have thought that your furry friend could bring you so much?

My cavoodle, Charlie, has been a huge support to me in balancing my emotional state. His capacity for unconditional love is extraordinary!

Express gratitude

Seek out the positive things you are grateful for to reduce your negative emotions. Research supports an increase in your positive emotional state when you’re grateful, with resulting self-improvement.

When things don’t go as well as you’d hoped, reflect on what is good in your life to regain your perspective. List the top three things you are grateful for at the end of each day. It might be as simple as having had a tasty barista coffee, avoiding a traffic jam on the way to work or finishing a project that had been weighing you down.

My coachee Ada told me she enjoyed doing this with her family each night. Even when her kids gave the same answers, with their top three things being recess, lunchtime and coming home from school, she would giggle with them and then share hers, often weaving in how they had been a part of what she was grateful for. She found it positively impacted her family dynamic as well as her own emotional state.

Positive emotions are furthered when you communicate gratitude to another person and show them why they matter. Ada made a monthly note in her diary to remind herself to share thanks with her team and colleagues. This prompt allowed her to stop and consider who was worthy of gratitude for their contribution to the team, clients and others. She enjoyed reaching out to them and expressing her gratitude with examples of their impact. Who can you choose to express gratitude to today?

Show compassion for yourself and others

Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff says: ‘Self-compassion is an emotionally positive self-attitude that should protect against the negative consequences of self-judgement, isolation, and rumination (such as depression)’.

Talk to yourself as you would a close friend and express kindness and compassion for your current situation. Be forgiving of yourself and understanding of your circumstances.

Ada told me how she found self-compassion useful in resetting her perspective. When she spoke to herself in a compassionate way she became more understanding of herself and the challenges she faced, and stopped being so hard on herself. This allowed her to rethink what and who could support her in the moment. It also allowed her to build resilience, positive emotions and hope.

When I was working with Ada I shared a technique that I had heard Sheryl Sandberg and positive psychologist Adam Grant both use. I asked Ada to think of three things she had done well each day. This is different to identifying things you are grateful for, because it focuses on what you are achieving rather than what others are doing or what isn’t working. It helps you recognise what you are capable of.

One example Ada shared with me was beautiful in its simplicity:

•          She had a positive conversation with a colleague.

•          She said no to participating in an initiative unrelated to her most purposeful goals.

•          She reminded herself that she was on her way to success and used positive self-talk.

Now it’s your turn to use self-compassion.

Self-coaching exercise

Identify three things that you are grateful for today. Write them in your notebook and savour how these make you feel.

Suggest to your colleagues, team members and family members that they do the same to aid them in managing their emotions.

Now write down three things you have done well today. Which of your strengths have supported you? What have you learnt about yourself from your success?

Music interventions

Short-term music interventions of 10 to 15 minutes can impact your mental and physical wellbeing. Listening to music can provide a distraction from stress-increasing thoughts or feelings, and can reduce obsessive thinking and worrying.

Music has also been found to impact the cardiovascular system, including lowering heart rate and blood pressure. It also lowers cortisol levels, reducing stress.

Being in this altered state can boost your energy levels.

I’m a fan of music from the 1970s and 1980s. A bit of disco gets the blood pumping! Grab your phone and create a playlist to enjoy.

Self-coaching exercise

Arm yourself with the tools you need. Download some music to your phone or subscribe to a  streaming service so you have music available when you need a positive emotional boost.

Mental capacity

Your mental (cognitive) capacity can expand and contract depending on the nature and quantity of information you are processing. How is your thinking impacting your energy levels and your wellbeing?

A recent study concluded that we process more than 6000 thoughts each day – that’s 6.5 per minute in our waking hours. We address thousands of assumptions, inferences and beliefs, all at pace. We jump from one unrelated thought to another. It can be exhausting and can impact how you feel in the moment.

I like to think of the brain as a sponge that becomes saturated with thoughts, often to the point where it can no longer absorb any more. It takes some time to wring out the sponge to create space to allow for more thoughts. If this doesn’t happen, the additional information will simply wash away.

As a leader you process thoughts resulting from conversations, emails and multimedia from teammates, customers and more. This overlays with the thoughts you are creating based on your own observations of data, to which you attach your assumptions, which form your beliefs.

It doesn’t take long for this process to impact your wellbeing. When you have too many thoughts to consider, slow yourself down to allow for an increased attentional focus. Consider what is in your control and what is not so you can identify where to hold your focus. Imagine emptying your thoughts into buckets to decide where to invest your cognitive energy.

Notice what kinds of thoughts are soaking your sponge. Negative thoughts can absorb a tremendous amount of energy. One self-coaching strategy I recommend involves pausing to restructure your thinking to gain a new perspective. That small break of time can allow you to open a mental window, offering a breath of fresh air and a new way of viewing an issue. Adopting an open mindset of wonder can make space for the possibilities of what might happen next, rather than catastrophising about what will happen next.

Ada used this technique of pausing to make some space for herself between meetings. In this time (usually 10 minutes), she would notice her thoughts and consider the impact they were having on her.

She would do some deep breathing to ground herself and would then make a choice as to how to respond.

Sometimes Ada simply wrote down the actions she needed to take so she could park her thoughts rather than carrying the related cognitions and emotions into her next meeting. If she was upset about a conversation or outcome from the previous interaction, she could use this approach to reduce the emotional and cognitive burden that otherwise would remain. She would then be present to lead into the next unrelated meeting with fewer mental distractions.

Ada told me how, in one instance, in her pause between meetings she noticed her frustration with her colleague. During the ten-minute break she was able to jot down some points to follow up with him later. This didn’t solve the issue immediately, but it did allow her to release her frustration and related thinking before stepping into her next meeting. She found she was less distracted and more positively engaged in that meeting as a result.

Consider deliberately scheduling a break or a pause between interactions with others to release your cognitive burden and free up your energy for the next task at hand.

Spiritual capacity

This section of the chapter is not focused on religious considerations; rather, it’s about what gives you meaning in what you do. What purpose did you identify in Practice 1? What impact do you want to create? What’s the next best step for you to take today?

Understanding how your actions align with your purpose provides a source of motivation, determination and endurance that can energise you. Just thinking about what engages or excites you can create a renewed energy source to carry you forward. Similarly, considering why you matter and are of value provides you with a key inner resource that fuels positive responses to life challenges.

Making some space for reflection and renewal is important. Incorporate a ritual of regularly reviewing your purpose against what you are engaging with at work. Remind yourself of your values, meaning and purpose and how the outcome of your work is aligned.

Attending to your energy levels

The action of attending to your energy levels is where self-coaching really comes into play. The following self-coaching exercise asks you to consider some rituals and habits to support each of the four areas of capacity: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

Working around energy obstacles

There are several common obstacles leaders face that can draw down energy levels. How you notice and respond to each of these obstacles is critical to your ability to manage your energy levels.

Workload and deadlines

My coachees often raise workload and deadlines as energy obstacles in our coaching conversations. As we discussed in Practice 5 the demands on your time, and your ability to influence them, is important to consider. Your use of time represents how your energy is consumed.

Asking yourself the questions in the following self-coaching exercise can help you identify how you might alter your time commitments so you can have more control and better manage your stores of energy.

Self-coaching exercise

Self-coach your way through the following questions and listen to your responses. Consider the options that might be available to support you and the actions you can take. Then, make a plan to facilitate change.

Here are the questions to work through:

1. Write down your upcoming deadlines. How critical are the deadlines? Are there any that will be difficult for you to achieve? What possibilities are there to adjust the deadlines for a more attainable time frame?

2. Who can make this decision? If you are empowered to do so, what is a more reasonable time frame? If you can’t make this decision yourself, who holds the power to consider whether a new time frame can be set? When can you contact and seek the support of this person in relation to the deadline? How will you best communicate your concerns so that they are understanding of your circumstances?

3. Where you can’t alter the deadline, who can assist you with the work required? Who can you delegate to, and how quickly can you engage them to assist you? Be sure to delegate effectively, giving the person context so they understand the meaning behind the tasks asked of them. This will enable greater engagement and quality of performance. (In Practice 9 we’ll talk more about empowering others and effective delegation.)

4. Who might you speak with to access further resources or team members? How can you influence those people to provide additional resources to support you with your deadlines and workload? What factors might be important to address so that they understand your current needs and what you are asking of them? This may include discussing dates, time frames, duration of access to additional resources, the skill sets required and details of the project or task you are working on.

5. Can the scope of work be altered? How might you meet the deadline using an alternative methodology? What is being done that is non-essential to the deliverable yet may be consuming time? How agile can you be in your methodology?

6. What other projects or tasks are consuming your time, and can you re-prioritise these to free up some time to focus on the most important and urgent deliverable? Who can assist with these other tasks to enable you to maintain your focus?

Work-related travel

As glamorous as work-related travel might sound, the reality can involve lots of unproductive time sitting and waiting at airports, on delayed planes and in heavy traffic. Standing in queues for taxis, to board planes and waiting for what seems an eternity at baggage carousels is energy-depleting. Plane travel can also be dehydrating, which exacerbates fatigue. Time zone differences and unfamiliar bedding can interrupt sleep. Early starts and late nights where work is squeezed into the time you have at your location can be physically disruptive. Add to this your concurrent juggling of things back home and it’s no wonder you are exhausted. So, what might you do to resolve this fatigue? One easy solution is to travel less! That may sound fallacious, but consider the time and energy you might save if you could instead meet with people via videoconference. With tools such as Skype for

Business, Microsoft Teams and Zoom, it can make much more sense (financially and energy-wise) to collaborate remotely rather than face-to-face. Remote collaboration is also an environmental plus.

When face-to-face meetings are required, consider travelling to your destination the night before rather than commencing your day with a 4 am wake-up call. This is particularly helpful in avoiding possibilities of cancelled early morning flights due to weather or engineering problems, which will add to your stress and require panicked diary reshuffling.

When you’re travelling, especially across time zones, make sure you get some sunlight. Sunlight regulates your circadian rhythms and sleep cycles. Pack your sports shoes so you can do some exercise while you’re away. This might be a brisk walk or run around the city, or a session in the hotel gym. Even using your hotel room to do stretches, yoga or other forms of exercise can be beneficial. Exercise will get the blood flowing and assist you with managing fatigue.

Think about what you eat and stay hydrated. As tempting as it is to buy takeaway food or indulge in the room service menu or the minibar, consider the impact this will have on your energy. If the food selection will nourish you, go ahead. If it will weigh you down and tire you, consider other options.

Seek support from the hotel. If your room is noisy or has poor bedding, loud air-conditioning or other issues that are keeping you awake, seek assistance from the hotel. Hotel staff will usually be happy to help, but they can’t do so unless you bring the problem to their attention. You are paying for a service, so make use of it!

Take your annual leave

I hear too many stories of career-minded folk battling through fatigue with a full book of annual leave yet to be taken. According to Roy Morgan, Australia’s paid workforce has more annual leave due than ever before: 185 million days’ worth. I have not met anyone who, when fatigued, has not benefited from taking their annual leave. Yet it’s often the last thing people think to do to deal with low energy.

Taking a break is a healthy form of self-care. Whether you create a series of long weekends or take a week, a few weeks or more, taking your annual leave allows you to break the circuit and recharge your batteries. Your health benefits immediately, as you’ll have time to rejuvenate, refresh, step away from work stress and anxiety, and empower others to stand in your shoes while you do something other than work.

I strongly believe that we have one life to live and we should take care of ourselves in it. During my 30-plus-year professional career I have always ensured that I have taken annual leave each year – and I’ve experienced no resulting detriment to my career progression. And I’ve intentionally taken leave to enjoy other aspects of my life. I’ve travelled overseas and locally, spent summers at home at our beautiful Aussie beaches, and enjoyed time with friends and family and time for me. It’s important to live your life and avoid the temptation to work throughout your leave. Let’s be honest: when that occurs, it’s barely leave; it’s just working remotely.

Trust that others can hold the fort while you take a break, just as you do while they take theirs. You wouldn’t expect your team members or colleagues to work during their annual leave, so treat yourself equitably and do the same.

Book some leave in. Block your diary. It’s called leave for a reason: you need to leave work behind while you enjoy other pursuits and replenish your energy.

Self-coaching summary

-          Stop, survive and flourish! It’s important to exercise control over how you live your working life.

-          Develop daily rituals to support your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual energy capacity.

-          Consider how you can reduce energy depletion by working around obstacles: reviewing workloads and deadlines, planning for work-related travel and taking annual leave.

Karen Stein Be Your Own Leadership Coach: Self-Coaching Strategies to Lead Your Way Major Street Publishing Pry Ltd, an imprint of Pan Macmillan, London, 2023. Pb. Pp. 214. Rs. 399