Weekend Wild Card: Travel advisory alert for Trumpistan

Weekend wild card

In view of the current unfortunate situation prevailing in the United States of Trumpistan, foreigners are advised to exercise extreme caution and take the utmost precautions while visiting that country. Please follow, in your own interest, the following protocols.

Masked ICE agents roam freely around the country, conducting random identity checks. The difficulty lies in not knowing whether they are agents or bandits. Offer them your wallet and the agent will tase you immediately. Show them your passport and the gangsters might shoot you. Offer them Bitcoin instead—that will establish your patriotic credentials with ICE agents and your generosity with the muggers. $Trump or $Melania work best.

Beware, even green card holders can end up in El Salvador. Telling immigration agents that you too are from a stan, such as Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan will not elicit fellow feeling. Tell them you are in the US solely to visit Mar-a-Lago. Always carry a copy of the Trumpistan Constitution, aka ‘The Art of the Deal’. As an additional precaution, wear a MAGA hat, which stands for ‘Make America Great Again’. If your hat says, by mistake, ‘Make America Groan Again’, you’re sure to be deported.

Carry loads of cash when visiting Trumpistan if you are travelling by a foreign airline--tariffs on foreign flights may suddenly be increased by 200 percent. Carry a detailed chart of the US trade surplus with your country, or a fake chart if they have a trade deficit, so that your visa is not revoked.

Make sure you scrub all your social media posts clean. Avoid hashtags like #UniversalHealthcare, #ClimateChangeIsReal, or #WhyDoTheyHateBooks. Make sure you are on Truth Social.

Vegetarians beware, you might be branded as woke. Drown your dhokla in ketchup and if someone asks if it’s meat, grumble about vegans ruining real food. Wear a hat with ‘I love steak’ written on it.

Do not go too far south. They have a wall there, and you could be picked up on suspicion of having climbed it. Avoid swamps in Florida, because the alligators there are partial to foreigners.

Steer clear of universities. Denounce Harvard as a “communist indoctrination camp.” Avoid schools, shootings happen there.

Never ever mention Palestine or Gaza, if absolutely necessary call it ‘the place that cannot be named’. Avoid saying ‘climate change’ and ‘healthcare,’ it might hurt local sentiments. If stopped by a cop, smile and say ‘I believe in the invisible hand’ while stretching out your right hand to its full extent, palm downward, in a salute. That should appease them.

If surrounded by suspicious stares, begin singing ‘Born in the USA.’ That will not only prove your credentials, but most Americans will instinctively join in, allowing you to slink away. It’s best though to avoid the MAGA crowd altogether, you can spot them by their cars. They all drive SUVs (Singularly Ugly Vehicles).

Learn all the Trump catchphrases, like “Drain the swamp,” “Total Witch Hunt,” ‘’Fake News’’. Write ‘SLASH INTEREST RATES’ in ALL CAPS on walls, while calling for Fed chair Jerome Powell to resign. Talk loudly about the big, beautiful bill and the big, beautiful wall.

Given Trump’s penchant for holding press conferences, you may get caught up in one. If that happens, ask him questions like, ‘Are your terrific tariffs terrifying our enemies?’ ‘When will they give you the Nobel?’ and ‘When will they carve your face on Mount Crush More?’ You might be made an honorary citizen on the spot. A risky but more satisfying question will be, ‘How is it, sir, that you combine such unwavering confidence so completely untroubled by comprehension?’

Profess a deep love for golf, marvel at Trump’s golf swing. On no account should you go and watch sports like baseball and American football---they will bore you to tears. If you want entertainment, bring Democrats and Republicans together in a hall, lock the doors and watch the mayhem from under a table. Wear body armour and don’t forget the popcorn.

Do not laugh, they may think you are laughing at them. You could snigger under the sheets in your hotel though, preferably with an illegal immigrant.

And finally, do lay a funeral wreath at the mausoleum that used to be called the Statue of Liberty, to honour the memory of a great lost civilisation.