Weekend Wild Card: Nothing says 'INDIA IS OUR FRIEND' like a 25% tariff

Weekend Wild Card

Oh Donald, my beautiful friend, what a TREMENDOUS display of the Art of the Deal! Announcing a 25 percent tariff on India PLUS a penalty for our Russian oil and military purchases while saying "INDIA IS OUR FRIEND" – absolute GENIUS! It's like punching someone in the face and then buying them a drink. Classic Trump diplomacy at its finest! Nobody does “PAY UP OR GET KNEECAPPED” diplomacy like you!

India. A democracy, rising superpower, a key ally against your rival China. And what do you do? Slap us with 25 percent tariffs like you're settling a score. “Reciprocal tariffs,” you say. Sounds tough. Sounds FAIR. Like kids throwing rocks at each other’s houses. "Soon everyone's living in rubble! But hey, YOU WIN, right? STABLE GENIUS!"

You’re such a good friend to everyone! Just ask Mexico – you threatened them with tariffs while at the same time asking them to help with border security. It's like asking your neighbour to babysit your kid while you're setting their house on fire. Or consider Canada – your beautiful northern neighbour that you’ve treated like a subsidiary of the Trump Organization. "HEY CANADA, YOU’RE PRACTICALLY A US STATE, RIGHT? How about we just make it official and YOU CAN PAY US RENT!" As Don Corleone said, “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.”

It's personal, it’s petty and it’s peak Trump. I’M LOVING IT. You were a good friend to NATO, calling them “DELINQUENT” and threatening to let Putin have his way with them. CLASSIC DON! Or like you were a great friend to Angela Merkel? Remember? You called Germany “CAPTIVE TO RUSSIA” because they bought gas? SO FUNNY! Then you tried to buy Greenland? The Art of the Steal, baby!

And China! Oh, what a friendship that's been. One day they're "currency manipulators destroying American jobs’’, the next day you’re praising Xi Jinping as a "brilliant leader." It's like a geopolitical soap opera. BEST opera ever.

Let's appreciate YOUR WINS – you threatened, cajoled, and antagonized every major trading partner while maintaining that you’re their "friend." It's like the neighbourhood bully who insists they're just trying to help everyone get stronger by pushing them around.

Your foreign policy? A masterclass in gangland chaos. Take Gaza—no ceasefire, just carnage, but you're getting billions in arms sales to Ukraine while promising to end wars in 24 hours. Trust me, no one wins a war by quoting Scarface. “Say hello to my little friend--TARIFFS!”—NOT a strategy. You’re a GOOD FRIEND, though, really tremendous.

Withdrawing from UNESCO? WHO? The Paris Climate Accord? SO BRAVE! WHO CARES about the Global South. They’re not donors to your campaign! Makes a LOT OF SENSE, though, why be in the neighbourhood watch when you’re the burglar.

The bullying? Threatening Mexico with tariffs over immigrants? Calling African nations “SHITHOLES”? “Nice economy ya got there, Japanese guy. Be a shame if something happened to it. Now, about them car tariffs…” BOLD STRATEGY!

Let's not forget your withdrawing from LOSER UN organizations – because nothing says "America First" like abandoning global institutions that help the world's poorest. Who cares about climate? Deals first! MAHA! That’s right, Don! MAKE AMERICA HATED AGAIN! You’ve done it! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

This India thing? PERFECT. You slap a YUGE tariff on us – a WINNING tariff, the best tariffs, believe me! – and then you announce you’re “negotiating.” That’s walking into a store, smashing the counter, grabbing the stuff, and yelling, “LET’S MAKE A DEAL, SUCKERS!” It’s bold! It’s disruptive! And calling India—the FASTEST-growing big economy, a YUGE powerhouse—a "dead economy"! GIVE ME A BREAK! Yours is the most beautiful, tremendous friendship that money can buy.

But Hey Don! Big Don! The Donfather!-- the world sees through the act. You’re a good friend, though, just fantastic.

So keep going, Don! Keep “negotiating.” Keep threatening. Keep pulling out of things. Keep selling bombs. Your glorious inconsistency, your unmatched bravado, your weaponized lunacy—it’s the greatest geopolitical circus on Earth. Better than WrestleMania.

But hang on. Oh Donald, you magnificent dealmaker, you might really be a friend after all! Just wait and see – we’re gonna get so COMPETITIVE, so absolutely DOMINANT, your industries will CRUMBLE under our sheer prowess. Believe me, it's gonna be incredible, a total WIN like nobody’s ever seen before. Watch out, because when we go head-to-head, it’s GAME ON, and you’ll be saying, “WHO DID THAT?” IT WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND EVER!

Nobody has friends like you. NOBODY.