Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.
We live in a world where it is now possible to work, or consult your doctor, take a yoga or dance or study class, or shop for groceries, clothes and food online and have them delivered, as well as join a concert or webinar virtually. You have absolutely no need to step out of your house if you don’t want to. And the fact that many are choosing not to is resulting in increasing social isolation. Research shows that while the use of social media does connect the world in unprecedented ways, especially for those who cope with chronic illness and disability, when you use technology despite the fact that you can head out and have things done in person, you’re likely increasing your potential for loneliness. A 2006 sociological study showed that this was likely because social media connects people across distanced geographies while it is the local geography that becomes your support system. So you might have extremely fulfilling conversations about Korean cinema with your Twitter buddy in Iceland, but when you look up from your screen, the house still feels silent and empty, and you don’t exchange a smile with anyone on your street or in your building since you rarely leave your room or open the door except to accept a delivery.
The sense of belonging to a community comes from locating yourself within its facilities and people. So you might pick up the newspaper from a specific vendor, exchange pleasantries with the milk man, chat with the lady who sweeps the street about her persistent migraine, you might nod to a coconut vendor, a paanvala, a golgappa vala, a neighbour in the elevator or on an evening walk, have a fixed cabbie, or be a regular at a pub, a casual eatery or a grocery store. These are as much what help you feel at home as a large group of friends. It isn’t the large events you get invited to, it is the everydayness of things, that gives you a sense of belonging. This is why even though some co-operative housing societies attempt to have ‘events’ such as large celebrations of festivals, it feels contrived to most except the organizers themselves, and many, especially those who are new to the locality and lonely, don’t participate.
Technology is undoubtedly a convenience and can bring the world to your door. But just because it can doesn’t mean you should let it. For one, it disables your social muscle, that by which we continue to connect with others and find our space in society. We often have an unrealistic perspective of comfort. We assume that if something is comfortable for us, it must be good, and if something feels uncomfortable, we should avoid it, because it must not be right. Yet, sitting on the couch with takeout in front of the television is comfortable, and the first few workouts feel gruelling and punishing. The first is not always good and the latter is not always bad. Discomfort is what tells us the medicine is working, that indicates where we have become rusty or need more practice. It identifies growth areas. The first time you join a sports team, let’s say cricket or football, you might find yourself very uncomfortable and left out, not at all part of this team that has already been formed. However, that is not a sign that you shouldn't persist, but rather, that you are new to the environment and have to learn its ways, what makes the team click, what your role must be, and how to assimilate. In time, you will become comfortable, if you are not now. There is a learning curve to process.
Many a time, we do not take to this learning curve and we assume the sign that there is one is an indicator that there has to be an easier way to do this. There might be, but that doesn’t mean we shy away from the challenge. Just because one can type doesn’t mean one never learns to write by hand. Just because we can use a calculator doesn’t mean we don’t learn the simple mental maths of everyday calculations. Just because a conversation with strangers and neighbours whom we are not well acquainted with can be awkward does not mean we sink back into social anxiety. We learn to have conversations by having them. The more we are accustomed to casual and mundane interactions, the more we build our capacity to interact. Sure there will be awkward silences, and slips of the tongue and the discovery that we don’t see eye to eye on various beliefs, including religious, social and cultural ones. But why is that a bad thing? It gives us the opportunity to nod and look away, agree to disagree, bite back the sarcastic comment in person, and realize that it takes all kinds. It builds tolerance and the ability to include and listen to even those we may not agree with.
When you increase the use of technology in all your social interactions in a way that precludes anything you find disagreeable or uncomfortable, you limit your interaction with the world to that which you already know. And that is a position of fear. And there is so much more out there that we each do not know. Hence to live in a way that is connected, interactive, growing and belonging, we need to get back to the simpler, mundane ways of reaching each other. Sometimes that’s just a smile and a nod in passing.
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