Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.
Do you have video or audio proof, the Delhi police asked women complaining of harassment last week. Well, gaslighters ensure their victims often don’t and can’t, and use the technique to discredit them and their versions of events.
There is now enough research to identify the characteristics of gaslighting. It’s a technique employed by narcissists and pathological liars frequently. The first identifier of gaslighting is outright lying. So, someone is caught having an affair. Their first instinct is to deny it and tell you that it’s all in your head. Until you have actual photographic, video, text based, visual or eyewitness evidence, you are questioning your reality. And sometimes your own sanity.
People who gaslight encourage you to consider that you might not be reliable or credible. They have you and others convinced you get things wrong frequently, you don’t know what you’re saying, you’re “emotional” or “delusional”. You “exaggerate” things. You are “paranoid”. If you attempt to get support from family members and friends they may dismiss your claims by stating you are “always like that”.
Gaslighters dismiss your feelings. You could speak to a boss about a raise and the need to feel more valued at work. The response could be: oh, what are you saying, of course, you are valued. Maybe you just don’t see the ways in which you are valued? Do you remember, we gave you this important project, or that trip as an incentive, and you have the best cubicle. Until you exit the cabin convinced you are valued, when, in fact, you still remain one of the most poorly paid and hardworking employees in the department. What they’ve successfully done is diverted your attention and caused you to question your reality.
Gaslighting thrives on shifting blame onto you and others, erecting distractions, and casting doubt on the root of the issue. If you went to a friend and said you thought you all spent too much money on nights out and would like to reduce it, they might respond by showing you that you drank the most at the last party, or ordered the most expensive meal, and raised the biggest component of the bill. Now that it is your fault, you have been disempowered from complaining, and have no voice by which to protest the next choice. Gaslighters keep you from articulating your disapproval or objections by showing you that it is your fault and by taking away your right to complain.
Gaslighting is rarely overtly nasty. Some people perfect the art of condescension by saying things in a considerate way. They’ll speak kindly, they’ll take you out for a drink, they’ll tell you how concerned they are about you, and point out how often they have only worked towards your best interests and looked out for you, they even danced at your wedding and named your first born. Now, any objection you have raised seems petty, and you are ashamed to bring up the money they owe you. They even paid for the meal, do you really want to ask someone who has done so much for you, for Rs 20,000 back because it is now six months overdue?
See how that works? Gaslighters get the tone and kindness right, but when you look at the facts, it’s just manipulation done so cleverly the blame cannot fall on them. You can question yourself, doubt yourself, feel frustrated, but also feel isolated, like no one would believe your reality, and you begin to trust what they say instead, i.e. replace their version of events for your own. Long-term you lose faith in yourself and your perception and lose the will to make decisions. If you ask for support, you are blamed for doing that, and doing so is now the cause of or major contributor to the problem.
Gaslighting is coercive, emotionally abusive and manipulative. It chips away at your self-confidence and self-trust, and makes you dependent on someone else for their version of the truth. It erodes your capacity to make independent choices and decisions. It’s important to identify it and exit it when it occurs in any social situation.
5 ways to counter gaslighting
1. Maintain a diary of events. Especially if this is at work or in an abusive relationship, note down dates and verbatim what was said or done in a log.
2. Use audio or video evidence where possible. Record conversations if you’re dealing with someone who is going to deny the version of events later.
3. Take someone along. Typically, gaslighters like to isolate you because it’s you versus them. Neutral eyewitnesses rattle them.
4. Try to have the conversation in public. Pull in a passer-by or a waiter with a poll: “my friend and I can’t decide on this renting or buying, what would you do?”
5. Stay connected. Relay conversations to friends and family, coworkers, and acquaintances and household help, compare notes, ask questions and log responses.
Discover the latest Business News, Sensex, and Nifty updates. Obtain Personal Finance insights, tax queries, and expert opinions on Moneycontrol or download the Moneycontrol App to stay updated!
